Wedding Details

As some of you might know… I got married. CALM DOWN. I have always said that getting married brings out the worst in people, you get a ring on your finger and all the sudden you think the world revolves around you. Brides are the biggest assholes ever.  Like, don’t even get me started. I wasn’t a bridezilla because I am a simply a lifezilla. Being so, I had a very clear vision for what I wanted our wedding to look like, feel like, sound like, taste like, you get the picture. I thrive in decision making, delegation and spending other peoples money so I really felt in my element during the planning process. In the most non-basic self indulgent bridezilla way, I wanted to share some elements of my wedding with my bitches.

Music | There is nothing worse than a wedding with shitty music. Being that my groom and many of our wedding guests are in the music industry, it was the most important element of our wedding. We curated playlists for pre-ceremony, cocktail hour, reception, after party. Sometimes providing track by track playlists aren’t enough – we also included a list of DO NOT PLAY THESE SONGS OR ELSE THE BRIDE WILL SHANK YOU IN THE THROAT ( anything Jason Mraz, Baby Got Back, YMCA, the fucking song from Twilight, shoot me). My husband produced the music for our processional and it was one of the most special aspects of the wedding.

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Personalization | I think a wedding should *feel* like the couple and not some sad replicas of your pinterest board. I love a personalization. Matches, napkins, place cards, specialty cocktails, anything and everything. It’s inexpensive, chic and unique. Just make sure everything is COHESIVE. Fonts are my life. I made sure the fonts and monogram used in my invitation were the same throughout (details bitch).

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Monofloral | This was something I felt extremely passionate about. I am 93% positive I have severe OCD (cute) but floral arrangements give me shpilkes (yiddish for nervous energy). I wanted all centerpieces/bouquets arranged by flower type. No mixing. I had a legally binding “use roses and hydrangea sparingly” rule and stuck with mostly modern structured flowers (calalilies, orchids, gladiolus) and it was fresh as fuck.

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Acrylic | I love anything non child friendly. It’s clear, it needs to be windexed constantly, its sharp and it’s perfection… it’s acrylic. My save the dates were acrylic with gold imprinting and totally set the tone for the wedding. For our escort board, we had a sexy plexiglass board with all of our guest names printed in a clean block letter (I hate a swirly font – again shpilkes), place cards were acrylic drink stirrers placed in champagne glasses and for reception chairs we used “ghost chairs” that gave our whole decor a super modern look.

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Mixed Metals | I love shiny shit. So I would never limit myself to one metallic accent color. I love mixing gold and silver, we had no other color in our wedding scheme. Silver mirrors, gold rimmed china, silver votives. You get the picture.

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FUR (because why the fuck not) | This was a controversial decision on my end. When you think a spring wedding in the middle of the piping hot desert, you don’t usually think of white fur… unless your a psycho like me. I ordered 20 white sheepskin throws from an illegal international import website to achieve my dream of casual white fur draped over the outdoor furniture, you know, for “texture”. I am a monster.

 

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Mirrored Err’thang| We used mirrored round table tops and mirrored runners for all the tables. Not only because its fucking pretty but it also reflected the chandeliers, candle light and center pieces to really pump everything up a couple notches.

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For more juicy details on the wedding check out my podcast episode “Blushing Bitch” with Lauryn Evarts from The Skinny Confidential here: CLICK ME FOR PODCAST!

Bitchy Bedroom Makeover

So earlier this week I did a mini makeover on my bedroom and as a byproduct my whole world feels refreshed. I have always adapted a Donald Sterling approach to home decor keeping an all white color scheme. I find it makes everything crisp, fresh and very un-child friendly which during this point of my life seems necessary. I also think that keeping to the all white vibe makes it very easy to give the space new life.

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With only $350 dollars, serious online perusing and a few lucky clearance finds I was able to give my bedroom a fresh new look. Here are some of my favorite finds!

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I had amazing luck at HomeGoods, Z Gallerie and online at Lulu & Georgia (which you can shop HERE)! Similar to dressing, I find that the style and personality is really all about the accessories. Whether it be a statement necklace or a seriously fabulous pillow – a little bling goes along way!

 

Try the Trend: Ear Cuffs

I have never considered myself a very trend driven person. I never thought Juicy sweatsuits were a good look, still have severe anxiety with high-low or mullet hemlines  and genuinely would rather shank myself in the trachea then bring back those fucking 90’s tattoo chokers… but actually. Once in a while I see a trend that really excites me and gives me a total fashion boner. Currently I am obsessed with jeweled ear cuffs. My favorite lezbo supermodel Cara Delevingne has been working this accessory like a mo-fucka and delusionally I convinced myself I could pull it off. The key to being someone that “can pull anything off” is just wearing whatever the fuck you want and convincing yourself you look fabulous and any negative feedback is simply passive aggressive jealousy disguised as an insult. Duh.

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Sure it semi looks like a bedazzled bluetooth or a drag queens hearing aid but anything I can wear that sparkles I am into. Jeweled ear cuffs were popping up all over fashion week shown in Rodarte, Jason Wu and Chanel’s runway shows. Ribbet collageKristin Perry $14 – Ali Express $8 – Bauble Bar $28

I think a jeweled ear cuff is acceptable for almost all occasions and look best with a deep side part or top knot. I like mixing the edginess and all around shock value that comes along with a crystal ear cuff with more demure, conservative(ish) and feminine outfits. Here are a few wallet friendly options so you can start your lesbian phase with Michelle Rodriguez, grow out your eye brows and hang out with Stella McCartney at the fuckin met ball.

 

 

More is More

Yesterday Jesus was resurrected which really got me thinking. Firstly I am super confused by the tie in to Jesus being reborn and creepy adults dressing as a large bunny and hiding eggs filled with store brand jelly beans and chocolate for small children to wander around a park and seek for their treats. It all seems a bit rapey to me. Like “come hither kids, get your baskets and go search around this public park and look for my colored eggs filled with candy!”. It all just sounds like a hug Megan’s law opportunity, I am sure I will get major hate mail for saying that. Another thing… do bunny’s even fucking lay eggs? I spent about 4 hours trying to find the correlation between Jesus, bunny’s, chocolate and eggs and ended up in a very weird place so I had to move on for my own mental sanity. Being a jew, I never argue with free food so I am just going to go with it… I also kind of lose my shit for those marshmallow Peeps so I digress. During any religious holiday I always try and reflect and figure out things I really believe in and shit that makes me well… me.

If this conversation was getting too deep for you don’t worry I haven’t been keeping up with current events or reading any good books lately… I am getting back on track. Last night as I lay in bed after shoveling ham and baked beans down my throat at my boyfriend’s family Easter party I started to think about some founding principles I choose to live by. For example; More is more. The Easter Bunny has his creepy bowtie and colorful eggs, Jesus had a chic caftan and seriously seductive loin cloth situation and this Bitch likes to be dripping in sparkle. Ever since I had a wrist large enough to shove a bangle onto I have been collecting jewelry and slowly embezzling from my mother to add to my collection. When I was 6 I got the boot from my AYSO soccer team because the coach had asked me to take off my jewelry for games. How fucking rude. How else was I supposed to get a Gatorade or Nike endorsement deal without showcasing my personal style on the field? Obviously my hand eye coordination wasn’t setting me up to be fucking Mia Hamm but at least I could be well accessorized so I could troll for the next David Beckham during halftime.

I have been pillaging antique stores, flea markets, family heirlooms and personal purchases since I could walk, talk and swipe. Accessories can make a white jeans and t-shirt look from boring to bling bling. My rules to accessorizing is no rules. Here are some of my favorite sparkle I have collected over my quarter century on earth.

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Anyone else have a total sparkle boner. I have been fortunate enough to inherit some beautiful pieces from relatives and one very loving boyfriend but many of these pieces I have scavenged all over the place. Like I have always said… if it sparkles, Baby likey. I try to mix metals, price points, stones and styles like a mother fucker and always feel a bit more fabulous with some sparkle.

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We know Coco Chanel always said to remove one piece of jewelry before you leave the house…but c’mon. This bitch loves bling. XO