home decor

Obitchuary

This is a new weekly post where things that are irritating me come to die. They may be resurrected a la Jesus Christ at a latter time, but in this very instance I wholeheartedly stand by my personal decision to pull the metaphorical plug if you will.

Rosé I fucking love rosé. Not some gross shit from a bag, box or bottle of 2 Buck Chuck #sulfites. I am talking REAL rosé. Without emulating Gwyneth Paltrow, real rosé is from Provence and doesn’t leave you with red rashy rosacea face like other cheap shit. As much as it pains me to say, rosé season is over. The good news is that once rosé season is over, so is bikini season so it’s time to let yourself go again. Insulate for the winter, eat a pizza, have a beer.

The Bing Bang Theory Okay. Does anyone ACTUALLY think this shit is funny? Jimmy Nuetron called and wants his graphic designer back. Watching actors in mock turtlenecks playing “nerds” while being paid a million dollars an episode seems exploitive to my intelligence. LAUGH TRACKS MAKE ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE. I can’t, I haven’t, I won’t. Ever. (But I really love Kaley Cuoco.. be friends with me?)

Yeezy x Adidas  If Jodie Sawyer from Center Stage gained 100 lbs and ended up being severely depressed and admitted to a mental institution, then whilst in solitary confinement found a stray pencil and started sketching fat binding androgynous dancewear as a solemn creative outlet – you would have Kanye’s fall collection. It’s sad, it’s manic, it’s fat binding and it’s a camel toe nightmare. These are not clothes, these are mesh full body condoms.

Paris Shit Paris is the most beautiful city in the world. I love the rude people, I love the food, I love almost everything about it… except the memorabilia. If you walk into a bitches house and she has 3 or more home décor items with a Parisian theme… grab your shit and head for the hills. When I see someone with a black and white picture of an Eiffel Tower I instantly think #daddydrama and/or Lexapro. I also hate people who caption their Instagram posts with things like “j’adore” or “je’taime”… because it’s “je’stupid”. Makes me want to punch myself in the trachea and drown myself in the Seine after engorging myself with a wheel of local brie.

Faux Senior-Citizen Hair Maybe I am just jealous that my mane doesn’t have the flexibility to change colors without deep reconstructive treatments. My hair is the blend of a pipe cleaner and a dead weed. There is not enough frizz serum and moisture masks in the world to allow me to casually die my hair grey. I will admit, I had some pink extensions put in after a run-in with Lisa Vanderpump, but shortly realized I was not pulling that shit off. So essentially I drank the kool-aid and then dipped my head in it. Why the fuck would anyone want to voluntarily look geriatric? Jamie Lee Curtis called and wants her look back.

Rest in peace.

Easy Summer Recipes

I am not going to sit here and go on and on how I get a huge hipster boner for fresh summer produce and flourishing farmer markets. I don’t bring my own bags to the supermarket, wear gladiator sandals and a farmers hat to peruse locally sourced eggplant and insincerely grope lemons for 35 minutes to find one that is “just right”. That is just not me.

I do however enjoy the free samples and imported cheese selection at MY local farmer’s market so once in a blue moon I stray from my usual Gelson’s or Bristol Farms and head  to roam amongst the granola crew. When I am cooking a meal my main focus is presentation, easy ingredients (inexpensive doesn’t hurt either) and obviously yummy. I really hate the word yummy and apologize for using it so carelessly. As I wandered the aisles of fresh fruits and hemp accessories I was inspired to make a dinner solely using ingredients bought at the farmer’s market (and by inspired I mean I was running low on gas and felt too lazy to stop at another store).

I got seduced by an Israeli man with more herbs than Whoopi Goldberg so I got swindled into buying almost everything under the sun. Basil, dill, italian parsley, green onions, rosemary, you name it. I tried to incorporate all of these into my dinner. I decided to make lavender lemon martini’s, a burrata caprese salad, herb salmon and grilled peaches with vanilla ice cream. It was a total stomach boner if I do say so myself and so colorful!

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Lavender Cocktaillemon juice, simple syrup (equal parts sugar and water boiled) infused with fresh lavender, vodka. Add to shaker with ice, shake, serve and sip responsibly… or don’t no judgements.

Caprese Salad burrata cheese (buffalo mozzarella works too), heirloom tomatoes, basil, olive oil, balsamic vinegar (or glaze). Slice and layer, top with oil and vinegar, salt and pepper.

Herb Salmon salmon filet(s), lemon, fresh italian parsley, dill, green onion and whatever else you have. Coat salmon in olive oil, lemon juice, salt and pepper and top with chopped herbs. Drizzle more olive oil over herbs so they don’t burn. Bake in 375 degree oven for 15-20 minutes.

Grilled Peaches with Vanilla Ice Cream – peaches, honey, vegetable oil, vanilla ice cream, mint (I used basil instead). Brush peaches with oil and grill until soft with pretty grill marks, top with vanilla ice cream (after peaches have cooled) drizzle with honey (optional) and garnish with mint. 

Bon Appétit bitches.

 

 

Bitchy Bedroom Makeover

So earlier this week I did a mini makeover on my bedroom and as a byproduct my whole world feels refreshed. I have always adapted a Donald Sterling approach to home decor keeping an all white color scheme. I find it makes everything crisp, fresh and very un-child friendly which during this point of my life seems necessary. I also think that keeping to the all white vibe makes it very easy to give the space new life.

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With only $350 dollars, serious online perusing and a few lucky clearance finds I was able to give my bedroom a fresh new look. Here are some of my favorite finds!

collage

I had amazing luck at HomeGoods, Z Gallerie and online at Lulu & Georgia (which you can shop HERE)! Similar to dressing, I find that the style and personality is really all about the accessories. Whether it be a statement necklace or a seriously fabulous pillow – a little bling goes along way!

 

Let’s Have a Kiki!

I will be honest… I don’t have the slightest fuck what that saying means but it has slowly yet surely become my personal tagline. It just sounds so fantastic “Lettttttt’s have a KIKI!” Totally want this engraved on my tombstone… not really, I want to be frozen #duh. Anyways, after one long ass week of playing nurse to my post-surgery mother (she had “Lasik” eye surgery #not) I felt I was entitled to a festive adult beverage. I considered tapping into her Percocet prescription but I have too much anxiety to be a pill popper. This bitch prefers to keep it kosher and just stick to the “happy juice” AKA vodka. Since my mother has decided to find dual purpose with her recovery and further her suffrage by going on a “weight loss program” and keeping NO food in the house, ingredients were scarce. When concocting my much needed cocktail, I had to get crafty and more importantly get sipping ASAP. I created this drink using pretty basic/random ingredients and was delighted with one raging liver boner. This drink is figure friendly, delicious, pretty and very festive. One sip and you’ll be feeling KIKI-licious.

  • INGREDIENTS
  • one lime juiced
  • 1/4 tsp of agave nectar
  • 1 shot of vodka/tequila/nail polish remover (whatever you’re into)
  • 1 fresh watermelon popsicle (or frozen watermelon chunks)
  • 5 basil leaves (mint would be delish also)

Ribbet collage

 

Muddle limes, basil, watermelon and agave nectar in cocktail shaker. Add alcohol, shake and sip responsibly… or irresponsibly. We won’t judge.

Bitch on a Budget – Home Office

Well kittens, it’s official. This haute mess is moving up the non-corporate latter and needs a legit work space. As much as I love my living room turned retail shipping station – it is time for me to have an actual workplace. Since our one bedroom apartment is not Versailles yet semi-spacious, we cleared out our dining area so I can have a home office. In my fantasy world I would have Kelly Wearstler come in and decorate for me but in my reality I am my own interior decorator #whitegirlproblems. I wanted to make sure it felt true to my aesthetic but still uni-sexual since my boyf has kindly relinquished part of his home studio to give me a home office (the pink chair eventually has to go). I set up a garment rack with all my shirts/ samples, busted out an old ikea storage cube for my printer/miscellaneous shit/ locks of Heather Dubrow’s hair and gave myself a budget to make the little space I had make me feel like a boss bitch. Not that I need any help in the bossy department.

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I was able to create this whole space just over $750. Hopefully next year I will have an office with sweeping city views, 30 ft ceilings and a REAL sheepskin rug or even better a tiger one (yes PETA I went there) but for now I am happy with my quaint space. Below is my super gay vision board I used to create my home office. Trust me when I say, there may be nothing gayer than a vision board…

DESK PP

#hautemessheadquarters