#KimExposedTaylor

There are pop culture milestones that change history forever. Last night the world received a metaphorical edible arrangement in the form of Kim Kardashian vs Taylor Swift. As a squad reject, I have very personal feelings about Taylor Swift. I would rather hang out with ISIS than attend one of her holiday weekend barbeques. I am not thin or rich enough and I doubt she would be cool with my JonBenet Ramsey jokes.

As we all know, Taylor Swift is a nice girl. I have always struggled with the term “nice”. Nice is a behavior not a personality attribute. Just remember there are people who say Osama Bin Laden was NICE. I value authenticity over bullshit pleasantries which is why this story vindicates me so.

As we all know Nina Banks from Father of The Bride 2/ Jenny Humphrey aka Taylor Swift has been very vocal and self-righteous over Kanye West’s “Famous”. She gave a enthrallingly basic/victimized/ babysitters club Grammy speech jabbing at Kanye and insisting she was blindsided by the song. Innocent little cat lady. All the while Kanye West has INSISTED Taylor knew about the song. Pablo let the incident die while he was off taking a pair of scissors to a Fruit of The Loom sweatpants for Yeezy Season 5 until last night when Kim “Harriet the Spy” Kardashian Humphries West exposed T Swift with the light of a trillion Lumee cases.

Kim didn’t give us a cryptic tweet, suggestive caption or a magazine pull quote, she gave us kold hard evidence. That snapchat bomb was epic as fuck. I have never been a Kardashian fan, I find them incredibly uninteresting and tired. Except for Rob, what a strapping young sock mogul. I am kidding, he is the WORST. I must admit, Kim is my favorite.

I like to imagine Taylor Swift was home baking gluten-free banana bread, doodling in her Burn Book, watching yet another Friends rerun and manicly staring at herself in the mirror brushing her smug bob. Then her phone rings (Blank Space is her ringtone) and all hell breaks loose. She starts assaulting her housekeeper, takes a knife to her mattress, screams bloody murder and grits her teeth at her 38 cats while plotting her retaliation. She calls Karlie Kloss to see if with all of her “coding knowledge”she could take down Kim’s snapchat. Ironically, Karlie doesn’t ACTUALLY know how to code (side note: if you aren’t privy to Koding with Karlie please look into it, living for models pretending to be nerds and burger enthusiasts – stfu).

So instead, further perpetuating the victim mentality, Taylor responds by saying she didn’t know he was going to refer to her as “that bitch” and feels violated by being recorded without her knowing. Really? Remember when you professed to have no idea about Kanye’s song and there is a fucking VIDEO of you encouraging creative liberty? Bitch please.

The reason people dislike Taylor is because she seems void of authenticity. It started with the faux suprise everytime she won an award “what? me? no way! I can’t believe it. I am such an underdog!”. Then she took a big preaching shit all over Amy Poehler and Tina Fey after they made a miniscule joke about Taylors dating life. Instead of shaking that shit off (HELLO its an award show, if you get to do what you love and make millions of dollars doing so you can take a joke) Taylor shifted the narrative to feminism and voiced her concern for “pitting women against eachother…” shut the fuck up.

We can’t forget about Nicki Minaj pointing out that all MTV VMA nominations were in favor of slim women and Tay Tay made it ALL about her only to reconcile for an opening performance together. Ugh. Then most recently, Taylor willingly preferred and agreed to have a psuedonym as a writer on “This is What You Came For” and then oh so skillfully manipulated the narrative that she wasn’t getting proper credit. HUH? I just can’t.

Word on the street is that Taylor has a potential lawsuit against Kimye for releasing he phone call/ recording her without her permission. Unfortunately I know the extremities of these privacy infringements because I was almost sued by an emaciated busboy/ DJ (#PumpRules) but luckily he is too poor to prosecute. Taylor, bitch to bitch, if you choose to press charges not only will you have the rhythm of Gumby with Parkinson’s, you will also be a total narc. Darling, you are kinda a nightmare dressed like a day dream.

 

Things I Lose My Shit Over

A while back I wrote a post titled “Things I’m Totally Over” it pissed a lot of people off hence why I am not linking it so I figured I’d keep things positive and post about stuff I’m super into.

Chicken Shawarma– Most people go to church as a place of worship, when I am looking to find comfort in a higher power… I head to Zankou Chicken. The garlic sauce there is so unbelievable that I am mentally, emotionally and sexually attracted to it. The sauce mixed with the heavenly chicken is next level. If you haven’t been you need to go. Now.

Hair Tinsel– Adrienne Maloof really fucked this up for me. I used to wear it year round and it made me so happy. I completely recognize that it is undeniably tacky but hello? ITS SPARKLY/METTALIC HIGHLIGHTS FOR YOUR HAIR. Into it.

adrienne-hair

Pharell Williams – First there was MLK (Haute Mess Halfrican) then there was Pharell. Firstly, NERD “In Search Of” is one of my favorite CD’s ever. I grew up listening to it (my father’s a fan) and it’s the shit. I love every song he produces, every outfit he wears-Kanye West you’re doing it wrong- and that he owns so much property. I like a man with real estate. Hey Pharell, I like ice cream too. Mocha flavored… get it?

Boo thang

Boo thang

Grandparents on Facebook– When my grandparents first joined Facebook I was unsure how I felt about it. At the time I was in college and wasn’t sure I wanted them seeing me drawing penises on people passed out at a frat house and chugging Natty lights. With time, I got over it. One reason having them on FB is great is that they write cute comments and like all my shit. You know how the say it’s a face only a mother could love? Sometime’s I feel after I post something I think is really funny- it’s a post only a grandparent (on FB) could love.  And then there’s this…

papa

My grandfather posted this on Facebook last week…Killin it.

Forever 21 Jeans – Most people think I am crazy for spending absurd money on unpractical things like Gucci fanny packs but refuse to spend more than $10 on a pair of jeans. I understand that in theory it seems ridiculous… but that’s just how Baby rolls. For years I swore by J Brand jeans and still have a few pairs in rotation. Anyone who hasn’t tried these $9.99 sensations must go right now. Firstly, they are soft as shit. Secondly, they are super stretchy oh and thirdly, THEY ARE 10 FUCKING DOLLARS. I have sprung for the $15 F21 jeans a few times but they do not match up.

#nomakeup – I feel like I should write an entire post for this. Without a doubt, my favorite hashtag. Who does that? It’s so embarrassing. Unless you are Kim Kardashian or a drag queen should it be that impressive that you aren’t wearing make up? I seriously wish hashtags were around when I was in high school so I could’ve made #nomakeup my senior quote under my yearbook pic.

Heather Dubrow – When I grow up, I want to be a more free spirited version of Heather Dubrow. A self-proclaimed “Jewish Mary Poppins”, she really classes up the OC. When she goes to visit her plastic surgeon hubby at work in her workout attire carrying a CHANEL TENNIS BAG I knew this was my kinda girl.

Champs!

Champs!

Pucci Pillows – I just bought these on Ebay (don’t worry they are unused) I have wanted these for so long and I’m so excited I could gag #grownup

I found love in a hopeless place (Ebay)

I found love in a hopeless place (Ebay)