#KimExposedTaylor

There are pop culture milestones that change history forever. Last night the world received a metaphorical edible arrangement in the form of Kim Kardashian vs Taylor Swift. As a squad reject, I have very personal feelings about Taylor Swift. I would rather hang out with ISIS than attend one of her holiday weekend barbeques. I am not thin or rich enough and I doubt she would be cool with my JonBenet Ramsey jokes.

As we all know, Taylor Swift is a nice girl. I have always struggled with the term “nice”. Nice is a behavior not a personality attribute. Just remember there are people who say Osama Bin Laden was NICE. I value authenticity over bullshit pleasantries which is why this story vindicates me so.

As we all know Nina Banks from Father of The Bride 2/ Jenny Humphrey aka Taylor Swift has been very vocal and self-righteous over Kanye West’s “Famous”. She gave a enthrallingly basic/victimized/ babysitters club Grammy speech jabbing at Kanye and insisting she was blindsided by the song. Innocent little cat lady. All the while Kanye West has INSISTED Taylor knew about the song. Pablo let the incident die while he was off taking a pair of scissors to a Fruit of The Loom sweatpants for Yeezy Season 5 until last night when Kim “Harriet the Spy” Kardashian Humphries West exposed T Swift with the light of a trillion Lumee cases.

Kim didn’t give us a cryptic tweet, suggestive caption or a magazine pull quote, she gave us kold hard evidence. That snapchat bomb was epic as fuck. I have never been a Kardashian fan, I find them incredibly uninteresting and tired. Except for Rob, what a strapping young sock mogul. I am kidding, he is the WORST. I must admit, Kim is my favorite.

I like to imagine Taylor Swift was home baking gluten-free banana bread, doodling in her Burn Book, watching yet another Friends rerun and manicly staring at herself in the mirror brushing her smug bob. Then her phone rings (Blank Space is her ringtone) and all hell breaks loose. She starts assaulting her housekeeper, takes a knife to her mattress, screams bloody murder and grits her teeth at her 38 cats while plotting her retaliation. She calls Karlie Kloss to see if with all of her “coding knowledge”she could take down Kim’s snapchat. Ironically, Karlie doesn’t ACTUALLY know how to code (side note: if you aren’t privy to Koding with Karlie please look into it, living for models pretending to be nerds and burger enthusiasts – stfu).

So instead, further perpetuating the victim mentality, Taylor responds by saying she didn’t know he was going to refer to her as “that bitch” and feels violated by being recorded without her knowing. Really? Remember when you professed to have no idea about Kanye’s song and there is a fucking VIDEO of you encouraging creative liberty? Bitch please.

The reason people dislike Taylor is because she seems void of authenticity. It started with the faux suprise everytime she won an award “what? me? no way! I can’t believe it. I am such an underdog!”. Then she took a big preaching shit all over Amy Poehler and Tina Fey after they made a miniscule joke about Taylors dating life. Instead of shaking that shit off (HELLO its an award show, if you get to do what you love and make millions of dollars doing so you can take a joke) Taylor shifted the narrative to feminism and voiced her concern for “pitting women against eachother…” shut the fuck up.

We can’t forget about Nicki Minaj pointing out that all MTV VMA nominations were in favor of slim women and Tay Tay made it ALL about her only to reconcile for an opening performance together. Ugh. Then most recently, Taylor willingly preferred and agreed to have a psuedonym as a writer on “This is What You Came For” and then oh so skillfully manipulated the narrative that she wasn’t getting proper credit. HUH? I just can’t.

Word on the street is that Taylor has a potential lawsuit against Kimye for releasing he phone call/ recording her without her permission. Unfortunately I know the extremities of these privacy infringements because I was almost sued by an emaciated busboy/ DJ (#PumpRules) but luckily he is too poor to prosecute. Taylor, bitch to bitch, if you choose to press charges not only will you have the rhythm of Gumby with Parkinson’s, you will also be a total narc. Darling, you are kinda a nightmare dressed like a day dream.

 

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How To Countour

Well this is awkward. As you may have already heard, yesterday a Haute Mess reader sent me an email suggesting I learn to contour my face so it doesn’t look as round… I really appreciate the feedback and in the shameless pursuit of flawless bone structure decided to study some tutorials and give it a go. 

Thanks for the hot tip babe, but looks like my round face and I are going to keep the CoNToUring to the Armenian reality TV stars and the professionals. Kisses.

D-Listed

At the birth of this blog, I was really adamant about not talking about celebrities. I know I have made minor jabs at Amanda Bynes and Kim Kardashian… but they aren’t fucking celebrities in my book. Sometimes I think about celebrities I would totally want to be friends with. People I think I would just “vibe” with you know? Like Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz, Charlize Theron, Neil Patrick Harris, Mel Gibson (kidding), Kim Zolciak. Then there are certain celebrities who just bug the shit out of me… like the following.

Taylor Swift -Oh look at me in my retro dresses, red lipstick and cat memorabilia. Isn’t it ironic that I work a bang but won’t actually bang any of the A-listers I date. Hehehe! And that’s why everyone dumps me and then I bust out my bedazzled guitar and write a song about it then my mom and I bake pies hehe! Gag me T Swift. Your stage presence is awkward and when you try and dance with your long limbs I get nervous one of them will become dislocated as you whip them around without the slightest bit of rhythm. At least the girl found a straightening iron and stopped wearing cowboy boots. That shit was getting real old real fast. You know what else is getting old, every time she acts so surprised when she wins an award. Like, DUH. Side note: the song Love Story literally makes me want to throw myself down a flight of stairs. Twice.

Chloë Grace Moretz – First off, I don’t like when people feel it necessary to include their middle name. It’s unnecessary. Secondly, I doubt a girl from Georgia was born with those 2 dots over the “e” in “Chloë”. That was blatantly a showbiz add on which really pisses me off. I know it’s wrong to target a 14 year old girl but she acts like she is 35 years old. Someone needs to read the Dakotah Fanning handbook asap. She just irks me, I’m a really good judge of character and she seems like such a snooty little bitch. Go get a coloring book and stop being so mature weirdo.

Kristen Stewart – Fucking smile. You dated Rob Pattinson, made a gajillion dollars and get to wear Zuhair Muhrad custom JUMPSUITS. What in the world could be so farbissina about? You’re a goddamn actress at least fake it. Cool it with the indie shit, I’m so over it.

Miley Cyrus – No explanation necessary. Even though you “caaaaan’t stop” and you “woooon’t stop”, you SHOULD stop.

Anne Hathaway – My cousin Joanna was the pioneer woman for the movement that is Ban- Anne Hathaway. I feel like at any given second she will burst into song or a monologue, she seems like such a pain in the ass. I feel like she is lacking authenticity and her short stint at romantic comedies was a bust. She just isn’t likable enough to be really funny. Or maybe she is just too good of an actress? I don’t know I flip flop on this one.  Her Oscar speech sealed the deal for me, she always seems like she is acting and I’m not into her Kris Jenner haircut.

Blake Lively – This is really hard for me to say because Blake Lively is my girl crush. I hate when celebrities try to prove how boring and normal they are. Or how they never exercise. Or how much they LOVE to eat junk food. Blake Lively does all 3 of these things in excess. Firstly, you hang out with Karl Lagerfield on the reg so I wouldn’t exactly say your social calendar is “boring”. A couple weeks ago I stayed in with a grilled cheese sandwich, put on a hair mask and watched “Sharknado”. Bitch, please. This is what turned me, an interview she did with Glamour magazine sometime last year “I eat cupcakes and I don’t work out!” Lively admitted, laughing. LOL gIrL. That’s hilarious! And even if that IS true, are you trying to make every teenage fat girl want to go jump off a cliff? Helllo! Get it together B. ( I still think you are really hot and an amazing dresser xo)

Things I Lose My Shit Over

A while back I wrote a post titled “Things I’m Totally Over” it pissed a lot of people off hence why I am not linking it so I figured I’d keep things positive and post about stuff I’m super into.

Chicken Shawarma– Most people go to church as a place of worship, when I am looking to find comfort in a higher power… I head to Zankou Chicken. The garlic sauce there is so unbelievable that I am mentally, emotionally and sexually attracted to it. The sauce mixed with the heavenly chicken is next level. If you haven’t been you need to go. Now.

Hair Tinsel– Adrienne Maloof really fucked this up for me. I used to wear it year round and it made me so happy. I completely recognize that it is undeniably tacky but hello? ITS SPARKLY/METTALIC HIGHLIGHTS FOR YOUR HAIR. Into it.

adrienne-hair

Pharell Williams – First there was MLK (Haute Mess Halfrican) then there was Pharell. Firstly, NERD “In Search Of” is one of my favorite CD’s ever. I grew up listening to it (my father’s a fan) and it’s the shit. I love every song he produces, every outfit he wears-Kanye West you’re doing it wrong- and that he owns so much property. I like a man with real estate. Hey Pharell, I like ice cream too. Mocha flavored… get it?

Boo thang

Boo thang

Grandparents on Facebook– When my grandparents first joined Facebook I was unsure how I felt about it. At the time I was in college and wasn’t sure I wanted them seeing me drawing penises on people passed out at a frat house and chugging Natty lights. With time, I got over it. One reason having them on FB is great is that they write cute comments and like all my shit. You know how the say it’s a face only a mother could love? Sometime’s I feel after I post something I think is really funny- it’s a post only a grandparent (on FB) could love.  And then there’s this…

papa

My grandfather posted this on Facebook last week…Killin it.

Forever 21 Jeans – Most people think I am crazy for spending absurd money on unpractical things like Gucci fanny packs but refuse to spend more than $10 on a pair of jeans. I understand that in theory it seems ridiculous… but that’s just how Baby rolls. For years I swore by J Brand jeans and still have a few pairs in rotation. Anyone who hasn’t tried these $9.99 sensations must go right now. Firstly, they are soft as shit. Secondly, they are super stretchy oh and thirdly, THEY ARE 10 FUCKING DOLLARS. I have sprung for the $15 F21 jeans a few times but they do not match up.

#nomakeup – I feel like I should write an entire post for this. Without a doubt, my favorite hashtag. Who does that? It’s so embarrassing. Unless you are Kim Kardashian or a drag queen should it be that impressive that you aren’t wearing make up? I seriously wish hashtags were around when I was in high school so I could’ve made #nomakeup my senior quote under my yearbook pic.

Heather Dubrow – When I grow up, I want to be a more free spirited version of Heather Dubrow. A self-proclaimed “Jewish Mary Poppins”, she really classes up the OC. When she goes to visit her plastic surgeon hubby at work in her workout attire carrying a CHANEL TENNIS BAG I knew this was my kinda girl.

Champs!

Champs!

Pucci Pillows – I just bought these on Ebay (don’t worry they are unused) I have wanted these for so long and I’m so excited I could gag #grownup

I found love in a hopeless place (Ebay)

I found love in a hopeless place (Ebay)

Go Fuck Yourselfies

This is hard for me to write because I have such a love-hate relationship with selfies. I personally am not someone who would ever take or post a photo I took of myself. It just seems so awkward and I could never and would never pull that sort of thing off. Call me old fashioned, but I’d rather have OTHER people take photos of me. On the contrary, I live and breathe for other peoples selfies. Like LOVE it. Don’t stop. It’s 98% of the reason I have an Instagram account (@JackieSchimmel) Based on my extensive research,  there are 3 components to a solid selfie …

  •  The Duck-face – Who even started this? I blame Kim Kardashian. I get the duck face gives you instant cheekbones but so does properly applied bronzer.
  • The Elbow Crop- I always analyze the intent of a selfie based on the elbow cropping. Are they trying to pretend someone else took it by cropping the extended arm? Or are they balls to the wall giving said arm major camera time? Was this a spur of the moment selfie or pre-meditated? Something to think about.
  • The Caption – My personal favorite. I love captions like “Life is not about how many breathes you take, but about the moments that take your breath away.”….Okay? How is that relevant to this photo you have taken of yourself? Should my breath be taken away? I don’t get it? My head hurts.

And then there is the bonus component… the setting. My personal favorite selfie setting is in the bathroom. How much shame can you load into one photo? Think about it logistically, you just urinated (or other bodily functions), got a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, re-applied your lipgloss and figure “TiMe FoR a PhOto-ShOot!! <3” NO GIRL, NO. And to top it all off, you’re ALONE. Next to a toilet. Under fluorescent lighting. Posing. Then Filtering. Then Posting. Then hashtagging, oy the hashtags. The irony of it all is too much. #secondhandembarassment

There is also the semi-selfie, when you know you look good and then grab any innocent bystander to take a photo with you. The semi-selfie’s purpose  is basically to show you looking hot while using another person as a photo prop. (we have all done it) You have seen it a million times, a picture of 2 people one looking like Heidi Klum while the other person is out of focus, cross eyed, foaming at the mouth, half cropped.  Solid effort.

The timing in which a selfie is posted is critical. Ladies and gentleman, if you have chosen to take selfie don’t post it at 10pm on a Saturday night. At least put it on the backburner for a Tuesday or something. Letting the public know you are home alone having a solo photo shoot is not a great look. At least have the self-respect to dim the lights, grab a red cup from the kitchen and pretend you are at a party. Back in the day when I would stay home on a Saturday night and a guy called me, I’d immediately turn on the radio as loud as I could along with the television and start speaking loud pretending I couldn’t hear because I was out at a party or bar. Little did the caller know, I was at home in my snuggie with a glass of wine, eating a block of cheese, watching “Father of The Bride”- crying (welcome to my first semester of college) It’s called self-respect folks.  I know what a loser I am, but that doesn’t mean I would publicly broadcast that (whoops).

evolution-of-selfies

Needless to say, I love a good selfie and encourage the act. Who am I to judge? Just cause I don’t have the chutzpah to pull an Anne Leibowitz on myself doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Tag you or your friends best selfies #hautemesslife for my viewing pleasure.