The Ego-Maniac: This douche usually drives a brightly colored sports car and lives with his head up his own asshole. He undoubtedly owns a black leather sofa and insists you take your shoes off before you step foot on his janky ass white plush carpet in his unimpressive West LA apartment. He believes he is the hottest, most successful and intelligent guy he knows and even being affiliated with him is a luxury. May or may not refer to you as “arm candy” and name drops like a mother fucker. He is the guy that insists on trying the wine before ordering a glass, twirls it around and then makes some douche commentary about the “vanilla undernotes and nutty after taste”. He may or may not wear a gold chain and eye fuck anything with a pulse and exposed femurs all intentionally in front of you just so you know how “desired” he is. Adversely, you could end up with the intellectual ego-maniac who will spend hours discussing society conformists and insisting that Martin Scorsese is a total “sell out” all while peering at you through nonprescription eye glasses like a loser. Get over yourself. Relationships with an ego-maniac usually consist of pretentious conversation, professional put-downs and seriously misguided confidence. These men tend to have small brains, small experiences and very small pee-pees.
The Wife Hunter: Worse than the guy who never has a girlfriend is the guy who ALWAYS has a girlfriend. A clear indication that he can’t be alone, is emotionally dependent and probably loves frozen yogurt and light wash denim. This guy is like a modern day unicorn and an emotional slippery slope. In a sea of noncommittal, game playing and egotistical “fish”, the wife hunter is often a breath of fresh air and can delight a patient fisher. Is anyone following this weird aquatic/dating metaphor I am trying for? Me neither. So after eons of dating a bunch of dumbfucks that sweep you off your feet and then leave you sitting in a white night gown waiting by the phone and flickering the lights a la “Fatal Attraction”, you meet a guy that not only calls you regularly but ALSO wants to be Facebook official, introduce you to his parents and starts sharing his favorite baby names and dreams of coaching his son’s basketball team with you. Some may find this romantic, I find this unnatural and one major #redflag. There is no romance in that type of relationship… you are simply a birth canal and a counterpart to one seriously tacky white polo shirt wearing holiday card.
The Umbilical Cord Atachee: You should always look to how a guy treats his mother. It is the easiest indication on how he respects women and will eventually treat you. However, a guy that still is being breastfed at age 26 and has his mommy pick out his outfit is not ideal. Momma’s boys are tricky because you will always be compared to that bitch and your brisket will never be as tender, your laundry folding as precise or your breast milk as thirst quenching. It’s gross, exhausting and makes the guy a huge pussy. Guys with healthy and well relationships with their mother? Great! Guys who have their mother in their profile picture and facetiming before bed? Creepy as fuck. Bottom line, you’ll never be his #1 so head for the hills. Bye Felicia!
The Underachiever: There is nothing less sexy then a guy parked with his fat ass on the couch watching television in his pajamas during office hours on a fucking weekday. It doesn’t matter if you are a part time MILLIONAIRE because it has nothing to do with finances. If you are lazy in your professional life, you will be lazy in a relationship. Men who are not passionate in their career, are not passionate in a relationship. This is pretty fucking simple. Success is not defined by financial gain, it’s just about doing SOMETHING/ANYTHING productive and goal oriented. Success is necessary for men to feel like MEN. Whether or not you are volunteering, coaching a high school sports team or CEO of a fortune 500 company men who are passionate about something and actively pursue those passions keep them content and prideful. Waking up at 11:30am and watching 6 hours of television a day is not a career it’s a death sentence to a life of disappointment and no ass. Work ethic and passion are the best assets a man can have. Now get to work bitch.
The Boy Who Cried “Bad Timing”: The best example I have for this situation occurred last Friday. I was on the precipice (big word) of a holiday weekend with my boyfriend to a destination that boasted very high temperatures and days poolside in a bikini. Anyone who knows me knows my digestive system completely shuts down on vacation and to prepare for any and all travel I need to go on a strict pre-vacation constipation diet which includes easily digested noodles, veggies and chicken broth. I can go from Giselle to Octo-Mom in a matter of 2 undigested meals so this preventative act is a must. So last Friday, the day before we were leaving for vacay I had the sudden and passionate urge for an In n Out cheeseburger. It was 9am and I found myself in bed salivating and googling pictures of cheeseburgers animal style to prep my palate. I thought maybe if I went through a 300 picture google image SLIDESHOW I could quench my craving but instead it just made me ravenous. Now obviously shoveling a cheeseburger (or 3) down my throat at 9 am before I go further engorge myself on vacation would most definitely classify as “bad timing” but the heart wants what it wants. I got in my car at 10am waited a half an hour to be the first bitch in the drive thru line and had 2 ¼ animal style cheeseburgers all before 10:45am. There is no such thing as “bad timing” unless you are leaving for a trip to the moon or going in for a sex change the next day – guys are by nature territorial and possessive. Look at male dogs, they piss on anything and everything to claim what’s “theirs”. Not that you want a guy peeing on you but metaphorically you get the gist. Therefore, if he wants to date you, he will. If he doesn’t, he won’t or will conveniently chalk it up to “bad timing”.
The Control Freak: Like that hillbilly hooker Miley Cyrus once said, “I can’t be tamed”. Girls who date guys who tell them what to wear, what to cook and how to behave etc clearly can’t make their own decisions. I once dated a guy who literally asked me to stop wearing so much jewelry and sequins and said I would look “so much hotter in a plain little black dress and simple heels” um…. Go fuck yourself. I wanted to say “you would be so much hotter if you stopped speaking, breathing and had a rope around your neck you over controlling little fucker”. After that comment, I put on 87 pieces of jewelry and rocked an outfit only a gay man or Helen Keller could love. Sequins on rhinestones on studs on feathers. It was a clusterfuck and I worked that shit. Quality men should love you for whatever makes you “you” and not what their testosterone fueled perception thinks you should be.