I can’t with this…

No words.

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Britney Mothafuckin’ Jean

I hope most of you agree, Britney Spears is a straight up haute mess ICON. Everytime she completes a full sentence with a subject predicate and proper verb usage I get SO excited for her. This may sound selfish but all I have ever wanted from Britty is to bust out pop songs the same way she busts out shitty hair extensions and slither on a stage with her 6 pack stomach and a live cobra around her neck just like the good old days. I have stood by Britney through everything. Her head shaving fiasco, fast food binging, baseball bat incident, K-Fed and her unbelievably bad hair extensions ( I am sorry I just can’t get over them).  I even supported this…

What can I say? I’m a giver. Despite all of her low points Britney is the queen of comebacks. This morning as I begrudgingly got out of bed and started my 12 hour countdown for the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills premiere (recap to follow) I turned on the radio in my car and was given the gift of Miss Britney Jeans new single “Perfume”. Now listen, I am not just another Britney soldier. Despite not having any form of actual relationship with her, I still feel incredibly close with her. Firstly, we both have serious appreciation for the culinary offerings of gas stations. She likes slurpies, I like slurpies. She snacks on Cheetohs and so do I. She  has no aversion to public restrooms and neither do I. I prefer the anonymity of a public restroom… makes me feel more relaxed. So clearly, we have a lot in common. Just 2 peas in fucking pod. The only thing that I hold against her is her alleged restrictions on surrounding herself with people who drink or smoke since she doesn’t want any temptation. Sobriety seems so boring. Good luck with that one in Vegas boo. The only “perfume” you will smell there is the inspiring scent of alcohol, cigarettes and broken dreams. For those living under a rock here is my girl Britney Jean’s new song… I think it is steamy, sticky and marketing genius since that bitch has more perfumes on the market than Jo Malone. What can you expect? It’s Britney Bitch.