recap

Bachelor Recap: Hoe-metowns

Holy fuckballs, its already hometown dates. This both excites me and depresses me. What the hell am I supposed to do on Monday nights once this is over? How will I go on? Do I need a Lexapro prescription? It’s all too emotionally strenuous.

The first hometown is with Amanda in Laguna Beach. I kept fantasizing that Stephen Coletti is secretly her baby daddy and Hilary Duff was going to do an impromptu performance of “Come Clean”. If you don’t get that reference leave this site and never return. They start the date with a playdate on the beach so Ben can meet Ombre’s kids. Full disclosure; I cried like a newborn when she reunited with her spawn. Listen, Amanda’s kids are cute. I was impressed by their gladiator sandals but had to knock them down a few pegs for the pigtails… it’s a bit Sundays at Church basic for me. And when I say they are cute I mean that half-heartedly. Calm down. Not all kids are cute and it’s detrimental to society to imply differently. But despite all of that, I can’t imagine their connection is strong enough for Ben to be an Insta-dad. Finally, they slip the kids some Benadryll PM and Ben assures Manders that her family was “awesome” kk bye.

Next, Ben heads to Portland Oregon to see Lauren B. I like her and think she is an obvious frontrunner but I need her to chill with the flannel and invest in a professional blowdry. They food truck hop and then head to a whiskey museum. My kind of a date! Not having kids is so refreshing. Is Lauren B always cold or drinking too many sulfites? Her nose is always so red and it concerns me. Lauren’s hott sister is clearly skeptical about Ben and Lo’s relationship so in attempts to get more screen time (which I’m assuming gave her a gallery of triple digit like-worthy #TBT instaposts) pulls Ben aside to get the dirt. In the reality TV moment of my dreams, I was praying Lauren’s sister had one too many glasses of Sangria and tried to make a move on Ben. But instead I was jolted back to planet earth as Ben started fucking crying whilst explaining his feelings for Lauren. Just stab me in the ovary. Or give me Ben’s “hope” bracelet and let me hang myself from a Bachelor mansion balcony. Ugh.

Jojo. The bitch that seems too mentally stable to be on the Bachelor. UNTIL she approaches her Dallas condo and finds a dozen red roses (gag). She assumes they are from Ben but once she starts reading the accompanying 86-page letter attached realizes they are from her ex boyfriend. To be honest, I immediately assumed this was a Cher Horowitz moment from Clueless like when she would send herself flowers and chocolates to make gay-boy Christian jealous. Totally something I would bust out on a hometown. Fucking Chad. I could go into details about Jojo’s thirst trap brothers and shit like that but let me cut to the chase. The moment where Jo’s mother swigged that wine straight from the bottle was the realest moment in television history. Especially since at dinner they were sipping from Baccarat. Ben was like Vivian from Pretty Woman navigating their extensive silverware. Jojo’s family is single handedly keeping potpourri and faux floral enterprises afloat. The takeaway is that Jojo’s mom should be cast on Bachelor in Paradise.

Finally, Ben heads somewhere to meet Caila’s fambam. Guys… “My dad is the CEO of a toy company” was so Gretchen Weiners I can’t even. So they awkwardly build a playskool dream house and I’m bored as fuck. I really liked Caila’s family. I desperately wish her mother would’ve opted for effing Invisalign but I digress. Caila assures her family that Ben is the one and wants to tell him she is in love with him. Either the Filipino food that was served kick started some impulsive bowel movements so she needed to find a toilet ASAP OR she totally pussed out because bitch said nothing. Fuck she has great hair though…

Amanda gets sent home (saw that one coming) and I will miss her demure Cinderella nature and severely aggressive ombre hair. Fuck I miss Lace. Until next week bitches!

Bachelor Recap Week 3

It’s always a sunny day at the Bachelor mansion. The episode starts with the frontrunners single mom with killer ombre hair and small featured Lauren B talking shit about Olivia the Velociraptor. Shocker. Instantly my only concern is where the fuck Lace is.

Lauren B gets the first one on one date and Olivia almost has an annuerism. “The Sky’s The Limit!” reads the date card and my two concerns are; could they at least TRY and make it look like Ben’s writing and not some disgruntled female production assistant’s and do they only plan dates that have correlate with some stupid semi-inspirational saying you may find at the bottom of a substitute teacher’s email signature “If you can think it, you can be it!” Fucking shoot me in the retinas. The women always delight in the romance of it all… negligent to remember they are sleeping in BUNKBEDS all trying to pork the same dude. Love lifts us up where we belong… on the top bunk.

Lauren B and Ben take flight and all I can focus on is that Ben is wearing a bracelet with a metal plate that says “HOPE”… and there goes my lady boner. They park their little jet plane in a super rapey deserted land plot where conveniently an above ground Jacuzzi is waiting for them so Ben can see if Lauren B is an 7 or 8 based on her bikini bod.

Back at the mansion, pretty but overly emotional half-Asian Caila sheds a tear over how hard it is to imagine him on another one on one date. Dear Caila, this is the fucking Bachelor. Stop crying and have a mimosa.

At dinner, Lauren B proclaims she only “likes really simple things”. I appreciate her game strategy and suggest all woman take notes. Being yourself is wonderful. But being full of shit is better. She goes on and on about how much she loves her dad and basically wants to bone him despite paternity. They swap stories of their cookie-cutter, Pastor guided, functional familied lives and bitch gets her rose. And just when things couldn’t get any better, ANOTHER COMPLETELY UNKNOWN MUSICAL ACT!

The group date card arrives and FINALLY Lace gets some screen time while she sits on the end of the coach gnawing at her nails twitching. The ladies are forced to compete for time with Ben which I LOVE because nothing screams girl power more than a bunch of woman pitted against eachother over a ball. That metaphor is not lost on me.

Jubilee is scared Ben doesn’t like black girls and to cover ABC’s ass explains that she is “complicated” and “not his type” so she is concerned. Little does she know Ben appears to be down for the swirl. Get it Jubs!

Queen Lace and Low Budge Mary-Kate are the goalies and something about watching them face dive puts a little spring in my step. “Balls flying at your face is never fun. But if I have to hurt myself, I’ll hurt myself.” Um same. For a moment I was SURE Olivia was going to Tanya Harding the injured girl. The losers cry and go back to the asylum, I mean the mansion.

Olivia is straight up Glenn Close. I hope Ben does not have a bunny. After Glenn steals Ben away to discreetly snip a lock of his hair, the bitches downstairs start talking about her toes and bad breath. Regardless if this is true, she is still significantly better looking than most of you so… have some perspective. “Perfection is so lame.”

Jubilee scores the next one on one date and offends the girls for calling Ben out on being late and saying shes not that excited for their date. Team fucking Jubilee. Also, did a producer slip Lace some sedatives? What the fucking fuck? Jubilee is NOT down with the caviar but very into hot dogs… I like your innuendos boo. Homegirl gets the rose and I am thrilled.

My absolute favorite moment happens at the rose ceremony when Ben somberly tells the ladies that he lost family friends in a plane crash and 2.4 seconds later Olivia consoles Ben by sharing some of her internal struggles… living with cankles. She tries to stay strong but her ankle radius is the real tragedy of the day. Like sorry about your dead friends but like I CAN NEVER WEAR AN ANKLET.

These bitches get their polyblend panties in a bunch when they see Jubilee giving a Ben a massage when she already has a rose. THIS IS A FUCKING COMPETITION YOU DUMBFUCKS, why would she forego time to expedite another girls relationship with Ben? Fuck off Amber. You are acting like an insecure petty asshole.

Then something truly terrible happens… Lace resurrects and says “Bahn… can I talk to yuh?” In her most mentally stable moments yet, Lady Lace explains that she needs to go home and work on herself. Like her tattoo says “You can’t love someone else, unless you truly love yourself.” And she says she doesn’t love herself which absolutely slaughters me because I LOVE HER ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US. LACE, DON’T GO, DON’T LEAVE ME. LIVE, LAUGH, LACE. So now, I need to go take a bath with my blowdryer because I have no reason to live.

Shushanna and Jami (both of whom I could give a fuck about) leave and I am still in a post-Lace coma. Please respect my privacy during this time of need. Because you know I’m all about that Lace, bout that Lace.

 

The Bachelor Recap

Not to seem vapid and lacking any real or impactful hobbies and dreams, but reality television has a very special place in my heart. I know some of you reading this (but like, why the fuck are you reading this?) are rolling your eyes and turning your noses at the previous statement. Reality television is just garbage, unintellectual and for stupid brainless millenials to you. Go fuck a composter or your vegan leather journal made by Indonesian orphans you pretentious hipster fuckhead. Reality television is escapism and keeps my seratonin levels sky highs sans medication.

Reality television is ruining society, it’s people who were never taught the gift of judgement and can’t differentiate between observing others mistakes via television for entertainment value instead of making the mistakes on your own. Who’s intellectual now? The Bachelor for me is not only a sad 2 hour marathon of updos and sad pageant wear gone wrong, but also a real behind the curtain look at female sociology.

Here we have 208 women in a balls deep COMPETITION for a husband. The whole thing is a real mind fuck when you break it down. So you are supposed to be “authentic” while living in a mansion that’s not yours, wearing a gown selected by a wardrobe stylist, going on dates you cannot afford and have zero say in your impending marital bliss. It’s un-fucking-believable.

I can’t decide whether I have more respect for the girls who are actually there solely to find love (semi pathetic) or the one’s who are there solely to make it far enough where they can land a correspondent job on Access Hollywood and try and fuck Chris Harrison. Probably the latter.

The best part of the show are the awkward limo entrances, the bullshit job titles (fucking CHICKEN ENTHUSIAST? I love kabob but can’t put that shit on Linkedin..) and the crying confessionals. Lace is an American hero. She looks like Fiona (Parker Posey) in Josie & The Pussycats after she just poured a warm buttery chardonnay in every orifice of her body and I like it. I also really enjoyed the solemn firecrotch castaway… I hope she gets an SPF 115 endorsement deal. I also like that Rachel kept it 100 and declared herself “unemployed”. I tend to root for the girls who drink the most or are the prettiest. I am not saying that’s right, but it’s the fucking truth.

Now for the ladies I want to drown in the mansion infinity pool. Mandi (with an i) and that fucking rose on her head, needs to get punched in the vagina. When she offered Ben the opportunity to “pollenate” her I considered transitioning genders. Haley & Emily aka Dumb & Fucking Dumber are actually the worst. They are from Las Vegas (shocker) and come as some type of sister wive package deal. Their job title is “Twins”. When they said “how can you beat this?” I jotted down some ways…

  1. Have a brain.
  2. Be someone not trying to fuck the same dude as your sister.
  3. Don’t wear jewelry from fucking Icing.
  4. Or dresses from JC Penney Prom section.
  5. Have a brain?

Stock your fridge with champagne because it’s Bachelor season, the REAL happiest time of the year.

 

 

Vanderpump Rules Recap

Without sounding overly dramatic, Vanderpump Rules is kinda the only reason I wake up every morning. It gives me faith, it gives me hope, and it gives me self-esteem. I would give all internal organs to attend every single fucking staff meeting. Obviously I would never wear that heinous shirtdress required because it looks like a sad wet seal clearance shmata BUT I would be happy to sit in a dark corner sipping LVP Sangria and observing all the shenanigans. There are reality stars, there are actual celebrities and then there is the cast of Pump Rules. As I am currently living in London, I had to wait an entire day before I had access to the premiere episode. I don’t want to seem too egotistical, but I have never loved or respected myself more for executing such patience and self-control during those wretched 24 hours. Andy Cohen you owe me $2.99.

Naturally the season starts off in a staff meeting (#dreams). I love that the girls have invested their tip money/minimum wage pay and gotten extensions. Right out of the gate we learn that James is making his mark in the music business. I love that he thinks he is fucking Steve Aoki because he has a “residency” at fucking Pump. He is amazing and I would probably date him if I were single if he upped his 3 series BMW to a 7 series and like got me screeners for the show…

I will say Scheana has finally found her look. The make-up has gone from bad YouTube tutorial to a more natural and fresh look and I am proud of her. Katie’s bull nose ring is giving me anxiety. Jax looks like he joined a Fight Club fan group at a community college. How old is he? And who the fuck is his plastic surgeon? Helen Keller? As a Jew with extensive rhinoplasty knowledge I have never heard of using skin from your ear to patch into your nose.

Next we see James lingering in the infamous back alley at Sur where the cast rolls up in their budget sedans and smoke their cigarettes. James and Kristen have a heated exchange about Carmen or Jax or Tom or fuck I don’t even know. I was more focused on the discreet sneaky cinematography. Can somebody say Golden Globe nomination?

Finally, Kristen rolls up. She has been focusing on her t-shirt line and not acting like a psycho. Samesies. She is really screwing up James Guetta’s DJ vibes, which is fucked cause he has like 50 people who pre-booked on Open Table to impress.

James says he would rather lose his relationship with Kristen than hurt his dj “career”. Then he imparts us with this morsel of wisdom “Girls come and go… Dreams are with you forever”. These are moments that give me more joy than the cry of a newborn or the news of a tax return being deposited into my overdrawn checking account #hustle.

In the next scene we are once again welcomed into Jax’s humble 250 square foot studio and greeted by his censored penis. He then gives him mom his 12 second MTV cribs tour. “Here’s my closet. Here’s my microwave. Here’s my twin bed. Here’s my futon I bought on Craigslist.” God I love this show.

Just a day at the salon with the 2 Toms… cute? Tom (not a Jew) Schwartz decides to get a fucking perm. Mid curl, he decides he is ready to propose to Katie. Nothing sparks a desire for marital bliss like a day at the salon with the boyz.

Scheana is turning 30 so the gang is dressed in garb spanning a decade. Kristen shows up uninvited with nipples and labia in tow. I just want everyone to know that Scheana’s party is in the same venue as Kendall Jenners Sweet 16. You are welcome for that information.

Ariana and her bob have a come to Jesus moment when she doubts the authenticity of her and Scheana’s friendship. It’s really hard to take anybody seriously because of the plethora of synthetic mushroom cuts. James looks like name is Peggy and he buys all his produce at a Wal-Mart circa 1973. Then he starts chugging fireball. I guess that’s what rock stars do… Oh wait.

And so it begins.

Bachelorette Recap

If you are emotionally invested in The Bachelorette you must listen to this weeks podcast. I must warn you this is NOT for the easily offended, listen and share with your bitches if you also think Nick’s sweatervest collection is super rapey and Shaun ONLY looks like Ryan Gosling if he had a touch of the downs and only shopped the clearance aisle at Urban Outfitters… Sorry!

Bachelorette Recap: Slut Shaming Edition

One of the many reasons I find solace and guidance whilst watching The Bachelorette is because it sheds light on many serious issues plaguing our country; racism, sexism, questionable body art, rapey menswear (I am talking to you Nick) and slut shaming. I have never been a bitch to shame a slut. In fact, I love sluts. They are like human party favors, everyone should have a slutty friend you can bring to a co-ed party. It’s just polite.

Last night Kaitlyn let her elbow tattoos guide her to penetration town with Nick and consequently got slut shamed by the media and the non-penetrating bachelors. I can’t even begin to tell you how OVER everyone’s grievances towards fill in the blank shaming I am. Body shaming, slut shaming, race shaming, status shaming, gender shaming. Everyone needs to grow the fuck up and just be grateful people even care enough to talk shit about you.

I love that Kaitlyn porked that curly headed little fuck. It makes for amazing television and if you can go out to a West LA bar, have one too many strawberry daiquiris and wake up with your landlord, why the hell can’t Kaitlyn get intimate with a guy she may end up engaged to? It’s hard for me to defend her because she spoiled the winner via snapchat and her outfits are really bothering me but I digress.

I am not someone that gets offended by the terms slut, hoe, hooker, whore or any other term that insinuates I may be a prostitute. Mainly because I have yet to become a prostitute but the day is young bitches. What worries me is how that troll Nick was the first guy to get laid? I bet he looks like a flashy worm in the buff and that gentile jew-do just does nothing for him. Never trust a guy in an ironic bowtie.

The moral of this story is to stay slutty. Don’t let anyone or any stint of Chlamydia keep you from doing you girl. Stay strong Kaitlyn, I hope you and your tattooed elbows fly off into the sunset, trojans in tow. And just remember: slut shaming is only done by people who don’t have the opportunity to be sluts. Think about it.

Bachelorette Recap

So after everyone acknowledges JJ and Clint are back door lovers, Kaitlyn pulls Clint aside and gives his vest-wearing ass the boot. I will say it once, I will say it again – never trust a bitch in a vest. Unless they are making your dirty martinis or are a fucking vampire in hiding. It always amuses me how emotional the Bachelorettes get after like 1.3 days of knowing the guys. Boohoo. When Clint gets cut, JJ goes flaccid and then demands an apology from Clint. What a butt chinned biatch. On the real, their sexual tension is OFF THE CHARTS. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey got NOTHING on that chemistry. WHY THE FUCK IS JJ CRYING AND WHY DO I WANT TO KICK HIM IN THE THROAT SO BADLY?

The gang heads to New York to find love in the big apple. How adorable. Doug E. Fresh joins the group date and all the white midwestern guys pretend to be huge fans. Super cultural! The rap battle is the most depressing and Arian shit of all time, but lingering in the crowds is virgin Ashley (who looks hott) and creeper Nick. Conveniently, he decides to rear his Jew curl frizzed head once filming starts so he can further delay being a real man with a real career. THIRSTY.

Jared scores the one on one date and he is #STOKED. I am still judging him for wearing bright yellow converse and homeboy needs a Crest white strip in a jiffy but he’s cute in a gerbil-esque way.

ABC busts out a really ominous strange montage of dramatic NYC scenery while we hear a phone call between Kaitlyn and Nick and she still can’t make up her fucking mind. Then Kaitlyn does what any other gal dating 65 guys on national television would do, invites her side bitch to meet only after getting her weave worked by that psychopath Ashley. I am over all these cameos. If the network is looking to spice up the show cant they just hire a transgender Bachelorette? Or shoot the season from a psych ward?

Nick, hot tip: when deciding your romantic fate, don’t dress up like Mr. Rogers in a rapey maroon cardigan. Lucky for him, Kaitlyn lets him and his offensive outerwear stay and join the other guys at the hotel.

Jared is really living up to his Restaurant Manager job title in that tux. Back at the hotel, the rest of the guys bitch about the situation and all I can focus on is Ian’s hair growth situation… Jared busts out a poem Shel Silverstein would shoot himself in the asshole for. Then they get in a helicopter and blah blah blah.

For the group date, Kaitlyn makes the guys audition for a Broadway play and we all learn the dentist is a homosexual, hence the light washed denim. Chris wins the one on one date and I learn in this episode that this Cupcake boy bugs the fuck out of me. They climb up to the New Years Eve ball and he squeals with glee over seeing a big shiny ball in the flesh. Chris loves Broadway and balls. Think about it. Broadway. Balls.

Nick moves in and the rest is to be continued…

The Bachelorette Recap

Just when you thought I couldn’t get any shallower, The Bachelorette is back. I live for all things Bachelor Nation and I will admit I am particularly excited for this season with Kaitlyn because I think she is kinda slutty which I mean as a total compliment. Get it girl.

Last night, things kicked off with the first group date and a disssapointing in depth look at my favorite aspect of the show: the bogus job titles. I love how ABC thinks they are progressive by choosing a Bachelorette with a tattoo who occasionally says fuck. If that was a prerequisite, I could have been the Bachelorette in 4th grade… I was pretty promiscuous back then.

The guys seem super pumped about moving into the “mansion” as they call dibs on their fucking bunk beds. This is concerning because if you are that excited about sleeping in a room with 4 other assholes, you obviously still live with your parents OR are homeless (Hi JJ).

I love that they threw Britt a bone (literally) and let her cry on television for another 12 minutes before she goes back to her waitress job in North Hollywood. I actually like Britt but we need to go shopping and learn the importance of a nude lip. Call me.

So it’s the first group date and the guy’s head to a rapey warehouse to beat the shit out of each other. “Boxing is a lot like relationships” OKAY CHRIS BROWN! Last time I checked, love isn’t similar to dodging punches but whatever.

Ben Z is hunky, Justin has a kid named “AURELIUS” so he’s out, the other blonde looks like he’s on the front page of Megan’s Law, Daniel is a “fashion designer” so there’s that and legally Kupa has to stay around for another few weeks to fill the racial quota. Jared decides to crash the group date fresh from the hospital in bright yellow shorts which hopefully was a choice influenced by a concussion from boxing.

The first one on one date is with Clint, who I like because he has a real job. The beginning of their date is an underwater photo shoot, which freaks me out. Nothing says everlasting love like forced intimacy for a picture and simultaneously almost drowning. Cute!

Back at the house, Tony and his middle parted hair start preaching his idea of love and this bastard needs to go home and bang one of his bonsai plants. Where did they even find this guy? “Love is as perennial as the grass” SHUT THE FUCK UP TONY.

Amy Schumer joins Kaitlyn on the group date and tries to teach the guys how to have a sense of humor, which is a failed mission. JJ is a straight up, butt-chinned asshole. He is a “former investment banker” which is code for unemployed, I know I know I know you think I am a monster because he got teary eyed talking about his daughter. I don’t buy it, she’s three she is hardly a real human yet and I haven’t seen you facetime her once. JJ is the new Juan Pablo and ES NOT OKAY.

Kupa is basically interrogating Kaitlyn making sure he is not only there because he is black… then when he realizes she legitimately liked him he starts back pedaling and ends it with a fist bump. BYE FELICIA. Kupa and his soul patch need to pack up and get the fuck out.

TO BE CONTINUED…

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Also new podcast up today with Heather McDonald where we further discuss The Bachelorette and much more here: tinyurl.com/thebitchbiblepod

Vanderpump Rules Rundown

If you don’t follow my neurotic ass on twitter… you are really missing out. Some of you may notice that I have opted out of the standard post-reality show recaps I once relied on to fill this blog. This is because I have taken to the twitter-verse for a dirty martini fueled impulsive play by play. In honor of the disastrous masterpiece that IS Vanderpump Rules, I have decided to compile my tweet thoughts from the live premiere to give you all an insider look whilst watching this shitshow of 30-something failed model slash actors living in apartments with cottage cheese ceilings and drinking out of puffy painted wine glasses like community college sorority girls.

The episode starts and immediately we check back in with one protein powder snorting, chunky sweater wearing wannabe “sex addict” Jax Taylor. He is still living in his super chic Hollywood studio so he can bang, make mac and cheese AND shit in the same radius of 500 square feet #pantydropper. Side note: as a Jew from the San Fernando Valley, I ain’t buying the ol “deviated septum” nosejob excuse.

Then we check in with my personal fave (not) Kristen. Her ex boyfriend Tom has evicted her and subsequently dropped her from his Verizon Wireless family plan and now she is banging a 22 year old busboy. Adorable. The good news for her is that if this whole server career doesn’t play out she is a SHOE-IN for the perfect Lexapro spokeperson. Get it gurl.

Scheana has gone for the low budge Kardashian ombre and has ruined “Almost Famous” by tattooing a Penny Lane quote on her forearm “it’s all happening”. The only thing happening for me at this point is a libation refill and a note to self to burn any gold polyester I have convinced myself looks “chic”. #GoodAsGold

Oh yay! It’s Katie! The good news is that Katie is no longer is a fire crotch – the bad news is that she now has the hairdo of a Midwest soccer mom who is trying to revive her marriage with a box of Franzia and a weekly date night at the bowling alley. HONEY – please get it together. Kisses.

The bitch is back. Nothing warms the heart like Princess Stassi riding dirty in her fucking Toyota convertible in a Claire’s “Couture” statement necklace. If life is treating her so well why is she squatting in Katie and Tom Schwarts fluorescent lighting apartment? And if her family is so wealthy why the fuck does her mother live in Lake Arrowhead? I am over this Princess Stassi charade. Is Pump hiring any new hostesses?

Krazy Kristen has done some casual cyber stalking and has “evidence” Tom is cheating on Ariana. She brings this news to pop icon Sheana Marie and naturally she starts crying. She decides it is an AMAZING time to discuss the situation at her own birthday party and holds the tears back to avoid an eyelash malfunction. The only thing I was able to take away from this party is how happy I was that Scheana wasn’t wearing another fucking tutu #growth. Also Kristens new twink boyfriend needs to stop pretending he is fuckin Afrojack. Super tight stickers on your 2009 Macbook DJ no one gives a fuck – you are a busboy shut up. Until next week bitches…

#RHONJ RECAP

These past couple episodes have been such a cock tease. I have lost at least 3 pounds anticipating Jacqueline’s return and waiting for this Santa ménage à trois shit to hit the fan. The twins, Dina and Melissa head to Boca Raton to hang out with Jewish geriatrics, cook for themselves and drink in excess. They call that a vacation? I call that Rosh Hashanah.

Back in the swampland, Tre and Gia go house hunting in the hopes of downsizing. I personally live for Teresa Giudice, circa 2008: table flipping, pre-owned house shkeeving, and all “onyx, marble and granite”.

Oh yay… Amber and Jim. I have been trying to mentally block them out for the past month and a half and I nearly spiral into a panic attack every time Amber comes onto my television screen with her vakakta contour and silver eyeliner. I realize that is probably in poor taste to say, given that she is going to get tested for cancer but…

Next we see Kathy and Jacqueline yet ALL I can think about is Ashlee Holmes. I have trouble sleeping every night knowing that she has more twitter followers then yours truly. I wonder what color her hair is, or whether she has gotten any new tattoos. Does she still wear her slumpy knit beanie and legging combo? Love and light bitch. But much to my dismay – no Ashlee cameos.

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In Boca, the bitches lay poolside while Melissa does her best white swan leaping around the pool and putting her bod #OnDisplay.

Back at the Lauritas, Jacqueline has only been back for 4 minutes and is already reading texts and crying per usual. Honey, I love you like a distant reality star, but why must you interject yourself in her situation? Ladies, don’t you think Tre has bigger fish to fry than to console YOU during HER time of chaos? Get it together and cry on the inside like a winner.

Back in Boca, Dina gives a Meryl Streep worthy performance faking excitement for Amber and Jim the troll’s arrival. I give the same performance every time someone asks me if I like their new Coach bag… “Yaaaah. That is great!”

I want Melissa to be drunk all the time.

Dina Manzo states that she watches porn for the décor… come again? Pun unintended. Does Dina have a liking for busted sofas, shit drywall and un-chic Lucite? Now I am sweating balls waiting for Dina to drop the Reno-Santa lovers tryst rumor.

And I am blue balled AGAIN… until next week bitches. Bye! Is bye a threat?

#RHONJ Recap

AFTER A FULL WEEK OF ANXIETY RIDDEN ANTICIPATION WE GET TO HEAR THE TAGLINES AND….I haven’t been more underwhelmed since the last Barney’s Warehouse Sale. What the fuck? Like for Melissa I was thinking something like “I’ve denied having a nose job, and I will also deny Tarzan as long as I am shacking up in this rental home.” This was a huge disappointment.

So it’s Christmas time in the old swamp land. Faux J-Lo aka Melissa is not ecstatic about her boujie decorations in her seemingly nice rental home. Antonia isn’t pleased either … things could be worse babycakes… you could be Gia right now. Nicole and Ter-es-uh hang out at their parents house #chic and more offensively wear fucking santa hats and drink out of puffy painted wine glasses. This scenario might actually be my version of hell. Oh wait I spoke to soon, no – my version of hell would be spending 20 minutes at Amber Alert’s house. After only being acquainted with Amber for one week, I can guarantee this much is true. A) Her children are going to need intensive psychiatric assistance B) She definitely has invested in the entire Brighton sterling silver jewelry collection C) I would rather eat my childhood dog for a snack then ever be in a burning building with her. She WOULD have a fucking whistle… she’s like the adolescence nazi.

How does Dina stay zen with all those fucking chatchkies everywhere and Lexi has really come out of her awkward stage with flying colors and a very intriguing highlight situation. Now we head over to the good ol Giudice palace for some good ol kosher fun. Did anyone else see the irony in Tre wearing a shirt that read “OOPS”? Yeah girl…fraud is such whoopsie! I don’t give a shit what anyone says, I love Teresa Giudice and I just don’t care who knows it… you heard me. Haters are gonna hate, but I just LOVE LOVE LOVE.

Nicole and Dina have brunch fit for a cougar in a fedora and then we move on to Hitler with a weave (aka Amber’s) home where she is running fire drills and I need to refill my dirty martini just THINKING about how badly I want to punch her in the ovary (which she would probably appreciate given her blatant disdain for children). I am so loving Melissa and Teresa getting along. Plus I call dibs on Melissa’s youngest son in 18 years because he is a totally hott tot. Too much? Whatever.

Some boring shit happens then we join the Gorgas, Giudices and Wakiles for a cousin Christmas dinner, where they exchange weird ass gifts and pretend Juicy isn’t months away from getting his ass ripped apart in prison. Sounds pretty normal to me. Side note: Why can’t Rosie be a housewife? Until next week bitches…

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#RHONJ RECAP

So last night I put on my leopard pajamas, chugged a chilled bottle of Fabellini and indulged in a chracuterie plate only worthy of Joe Giudice pre-clinker. When people ask me which Real Housewives series is my favorite I often respond with the socially sensitive answer of “Sophie’s Choice. I will not choose.” This is a lie, I love MOST of them the same but I lose my parma di prosciutto for those New Jersey bitches. The show starts out recapping the Giudice’s small “legal troubles” #NBD. Firstly, Teresa does potential jail time so well. Teresa has and always will be my favorite. That bitch busts out her sequins, teases that low hairline and slaps on a smile like no ones business. She is committed to her delusion and seems to be trucking along fine (although Milania needs a visit from the adderall fairy ASAP). Was anybody else COLLOSALLY upset that we didn’t get to hear the new taglines?

More importantly DINA IS BACK AND I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER. “The bitch is back and if you don’t like it you can kiss my ass” ugh, the things I would do to go back in time and make that my senior quote for the yearbook. Dina is looking hot and I just like her. I could do without her vakakta Dr.Doolittle routine with all those busted animals but hey… I’ll give her a break. It’s sweet that Teresa is worried about saving for her kids college tuition… Dollface Milania surely will not be attending Yale. I smell a tender community college for that little whipper snapper.I am actually really happy Meliss and Tre are all buddy buddy. This is off topic but I am beyond perplexed why Melissa is still denying a nose job. That is just offending my intelligence and well researched knowledge of a good nose job. I am a jewish girl from the San Fernando valley…. I could practically perform the surgery myself.

Next we get to meet fucking Amber. I will probably refer to her as “Fucking Amber” for the remainder of the season because only 2.5 seconds into her debut I decided I totally hate her. If Maya Rudolph, Shrek’s better looking sister and a really neurotic, overly bronzed and passive aggressive psychopath had a baby… you would get Fucking Amber. Dina’s therapy office exterior looks like a bad Mongolian bbq spot. I must say her accessory game is on point this season and the hair is flawless. Now we meet Ter-ES-uh and Nicole. These bitches and their polyblend ensembles give me legitimate anxiety. WHAT THE FUCK IS A FALL HARVEST PARTY? Fucking Amber. Great now I feel bad because we find out she has cancer and I feel like a huge asshole. I vouch to make a donation to redeem myself at the supermarket checkout later today. “Oh that little fucking kid took my shawl.” Okay – now I like Ter-ES-uh… or is it Nicole? #dgaf

The Giudice brood gets together for a family portrait and I cried harder then the time Ashlee Holmes died her hair blonde and got lip injections. Until next week bitches.

Bachelorette Recap

Andi gets shit started on the hometown dates by heading to Milwaukee. Sick moves Nick. What the fuck is up with Nick and his obviously rented family members? This is like the poster family for contraceptive pills and condoms. That little buck-toothed, polka dotted, hair bobbed beezy with her list of questions. Never wanted to punch myself in the face more with that cheesy ass music and LYFE lessons with Andi #LAWLS. Oh Bella, John Robert powers called and wants their client back. Nick is sitting on the couch with his real mother dropping major waterworks get your shit together you worm. I’m just not that into you, your 57 siblings and your selection of outlet mall outerwear #cutescarfgirl

Next up Andi goes to meet Chris the fucking “farmer” in IOWA. “There is a difference between being excited to be here and living here” no shit. I had mentally blocked Chris out of my potential finalist roster because a) he’s a farmer and b) he’s from Iowa. Although I must say he totally won me over on his hometown with his house and rented plane. I mean it’s nothing to doodle in your diary over and tractors give me anxiety but whatever, I love a man with real estate. #sickvestbro AWWWW a picnic in the dead field! Am I having a quarter life crisis or am I actually starting to grow very fond of Mr. Red State “What would I do here?” Valid point Andi. Then they head over to Chris’s families house and I was pleasantly surprised. Who knew they could have such an affinity for statement jewelry? I literally became sexually excited by Chris’s sisters pearl/ swarovski combo. Chic bitch. Iowa here I come.

“Finally we are in my hometown of Tampa and I am so pumped. I can’t wait to show Andi off!” #douchebag. Is anyone else super anxious by Josh’s energy? He literally makes me lust for a sedative. Why have they spent 15 minutes talking about Josh’s little brother Aaron? Are they banging or something? Next level confused. He better be hott. Well.. that was wishful thinking. WHY THE FUCK IS THIS WHOLE HOMETOWN ABOUT FUCKING AARON AND HIS POTENTIAL FOOTBALL CAREER?! Are they hoping that some Coach is a closet Bachelorette fan? IF I HEAR AARONS NAME ONE MORE TIME IM GOING TO RIP OUT ONE OF JOSH’S AWKWARDLY LARGE TEETH AND SHANK MYSELF WITH IT.

Andi meets Marcus in Dallas and takes her to some rapey nightclub. Sounds like a great romcom plot line. I used to think Marcus was so hot but after that vakakta Village People number I am left with serious uncertainty. They go to meet with Marcus’s dysfunctional family (what are there issues exactly, can someone clue a bitch in?) His niece gives them some janky party favor bracelets and Marcus cries outside to his brother. I can’t deal with this shit. Sometimes this show gets so fucking dramatic I feel like it is going to prompt an early menstrual cycle.

Wait… why are they hanging out at Chris Harrison’s home? God I hope that’s a rental. Clearly ABC isn’t paying him enough for this. Then Chris tells them all about the death of former contestant. I mean… this seemed incredibly unnecessary and exploitive AND made me cry. Not what I anticipated during my 4 hours of guilty pleasure Monday evening television.

Now I am totally depressed and totally in need of a refill. Marcus gets the boot which makes me even more upset that she didn’t let that fratty douche Josh leave so he can go back to Tampa and make out with his brother Aaron.

 

 

Bachelorette Recap

So tonight was like a blend of Magic Mike, Animal House and To Catch a Predator. I swore to all my family and friends that if Nick S made it through with his pedophilic receding hairline I was going to shank myself. Can we all agree that at least 34% of these guys are closeted homosexuals and/or have made minor appearances on Megan’s Law? I like how ABC makes sure they keep around the minorities for the first few weeks to avoid any type of racial discrimination lawsuits. I personally would love a brotha Bachelor, then maybe we could see some real dancing and not this limb flandering bullshit and awkward swaying to B-list country bands. Ugh.

Andi’s first one on one date was with Eric who recently passed away hence why I won’t be dissecting this date with my usual aggressive tone. ABC really exploited the fuck out of that one… he seemed very sweet, sincere and I’d hit it – moving on…

For the group date, Andi wrangles her slew of men and makes them grind and strip for… charity? Listen, I know a thing or 2 about manipulating the weak-willed for “charity” that solely benefits yours truly (ehem Charity Hoax) but c’mon. This was no Magic Mike situation… this was like a special ed homosexual talent show. Not down. And what the fuck was with the robot costume? So to celebrate the guys super special and admirable philanthropy work, Andi shimmys into a Charlotte Ruse polyester bodycon dress and hangs with the gang of losers at the house. Bradley the opera singer sounds like my fucking Cantor from Hebrew school. I want to punch him right in the vocal cords. Craig gets wasted and looks like an old sweaty frat boy who has definitely been accused of date rape on 4 separate occasions #frontrunner. He is not hott enough to pull that kind of behavior off, duh.

For her second one on one date Andi goes out with the “farmer” Chris. Where do they cast for this fucking show? The line to collect unemployment? Andi and Chris head to the horse races and I bet it’s super awky for Chris since he probably lost his virginity to some form of livestock. Raise your hand if you believe they just CASUALLY ran into that old married couple. Exactly… Andi and Cotton-eyed Joe end their date awkwardly swaying to some singer who has a pubic haired beard. And why the hell are the dancing in a roped off area… could they be more white? This scene makes me YEARN for a black Bachelor/Bachelorette like nothing else. Really? Two things that piss me off: bad rhythm and side buns. Kill me.

Craig (frat rat) Carl (Travis Barker and Adrien Brody’s lovechild) and Nick S (Megan’s Law) all went home and nobody cared.

The Final Rose – Bachelor Recap

So alas, it is finale week in St Lucia. Juan Pablo emerges from the lush landscape and solemnly walks on the beach pondering his big upcoming decision. For a moment I feel guilty as I may have been too harsh on Juan Pablo this season. Then he says “the ocean is so blue” and im jolted back to reality. Fucking idiot. No it’s purple like your gay shirt. Nice try Tinkie Winkie we still all know you’re a homophobe. Go back to Venezuela. So Juany-Poo gets ready to meet Clare and introduce her to his family. “I like Clare a lot” well that’s promising… #wifey. Clare clad in a 2006 magenta sun dress with a painfully unnecessary waste belt meets JP and his loyal brood. “You can tell how much they love eachother” …. I mean. Just fucking shoot me. Clearly his “cousin” Rodolfo was a local pool boy ABC hired to make Juan seem like he has at least one family member that likes him. Did anyone else think it was super creepy that Clare and Papa Pablo were holding hands and gazing into each others eyes. The first “I love you” within the Pablo bloodline should probably come from your mentally challenged boyfriend not his erect father. Hopefully these two didn’t have a 4am penetration in the St Lucia waters. Keep it in your pants JP senior. This ain’t Venezuela.

Next up Nikki and her boxed bleach job get to meet the fam bam. She has the slight advantage having already met most of his family in Miami at Camilla’s dance recital. Being ever so self aware, Nikki goes on about her worldly travels and Camilla just lays there like oh really bitch? That’s chic. I’ve been stuck in fucking Miami developing my future intimacy issues thanks to my absentee father. Glad you’re having such a great time jet setting you frizzy haired whore. Besitos!  Juan’s horny father makes his second play (less aggressively) with Nikki by shitting on his sons temper. Then Mama Pablo basically tells Nikki her son is super boring. Nikki blinks and is not picking up on any of the red flags his parents are basically throwing at her face. Wait a second…Rodolfo suddenly has braces? Does ABC have dental benefits? You go Ro-ro.

For their final date Clare and Juan go on a helicopter ride and I can only hope and pray a native bird flies into the propeller. As they land the cameras and audio are off and Juan says “I love f*cking you” allegedly. Yes even I had to use an asterisk on that one… EW. Clare is pissed and confused. Hell has officially frozen over. Now I’m actually liking Claire in comparison to how much hatred I am having towards Juan Pablo. I want to shank him. He comes to her hotel room where she denies him the besitos and I start to have a small change of heart. Okay Clare, here is your moment. Redeem yourself from a season of bad Bebe cocktail dresses and annoying optimism – rip that Venezuelan douchebag a new one. And then… I hate her again. As she tries and explain how she was offended and Juan just tells her “Es okay”. Clare moronically forgives him and is back to deciding which boarding school they should send Camilla too and ordering their monogrammed towels. Fuck my life.

Nikki and JP go on a catamaran and Juan avoids having any intellectual conversation like a fucking champ. They make out and frolic in the water like tweedle dee and tweedle dumbfuck. After their boating excursion Juan goes to Nikki’s hotel room for their last night before the final rose. These bitches and their maxi dresses – I CANT. I literally could have a more intellectual conversation with a flagpole. Um aren’t you supposed to possibly be getting engaged tomorrow? Perhaps that inclines you to have an ACTUAL dialogue. And why the fuck would she give him a gift? Girl, go home.

The ladies get glam for their final rose ceremony and clearly borrowed gowns from Real Housewive of Beverly Hills Joyce. Clare is wearing a right off the runway Wet Seal prom dress and Nikki is rocking a Fredericks of Hollywood gown complete with a slit that showcases her labia. Their hair is teased, make-up is caked and chandelier earrings donated by Icing are on. We all know that the first off the boat is the loser. Clare and her veneers go get dumped by Juan Pablo and she leaves us with the best quote of the season “I would never want my children having a father like you!” BOOM BITCH. I still hate her but I am glad she didn’t pull a Lauren Conrad with black tears streaming down her face. She really rose to the occasion and was able to articulate herself without any tears and give that fucker some shade. Then Nikki and her exposed vagina bust on the scene and Juan explains he is not ready to propose but can’t let her go. He also doesn’t say I love you and “es okay” with Nikki. So like what – are they dating? Is this supposed to be romantic? EW. Maybe it was a good move not to propose – he is going to need to Pawn that Neil Lane ring to pay for the years of therapy Camilla has coming her way #daddydrama. Juan Pablo, not only are you one chromosome away from being classified short bus you are also the WORST and most hated bachelor of all time. Es not okay – adios fuckhead.

I will also be starting a Kickstarter as my first philanthropy project to raise funds for Camilla’s therapy bills #humanitarian