Oy vey, Monday Nights are always so emotionally taxing on me. Last night’s line up of television was an emotional roller coaster that thus far in my life could only rival the day I got my period at school and then resorted to wearing my PE shorts for the rest of the day with my ill-inserted tampon dangling from the wrong orifice. First I was happy and excited, then I was scared and confused, then I wanted to cry, then I wanted to put my head in an oven. Between The Bachelor, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules sometimes I feel like I need to head to Promises to rehabilitate. So obviously it is my favorite night of television. Let’s do a brief play by play…
Juan Pabs and his brothel of woman head to Vietnam. His first date is with fellow single mother Renee. She seems sweet and genuine but let’s get real… if JP was looking for a single mother his age he could’ve stayed in Miami and joined eharmony.com. They go on a boring ass date shopping for gifts for their children aka baggage, and he explains he doesn’t want to disrespect Ben (her son) or Camilla by kissing her. She takes this as him being respectful and I almost gagged. How delusional…
After dosing off during Renee and JP’s solo date, I was awoken to the face eating marathon that was the group date. Well that no kissing thing didn’t really last long. I am so over Juan Pablo trying to pretend he isn’t a total latin horn dog. Like shut the fuck up with your broken “rules” and let’s get slutty. That’s what the viewers are looking for and after all that virginal Sean and Catherine shit it’s time for some explicit behavior. Do it for America. So basically the date turns into Clare and Juan’s one on one date while the other girls just tag along for free drinks and insecurity boost. May I just say… Clare is a nightmare. She is like that dumb bitch in your high school English class who would raise their hand and remind the teacher they forgot to collect the homework. Whenever she starts talking I get this overwhelming fantasy of punching her in the veneers. She is SO annoying, almost as annoying as her thinking she is cool enough to drop the I out of fucking “Claire” and go by “Clare” – get it together. After their date comes to an end, Clare the Cling-on decides to let herself open up to Juan Pablo (emotionally and I am assuming vaginally). She decides to live out her lifelong dream of swimming in a warm ocean and wants Juan Pablo to join. Woah girl DREAM BIG. Swimming in a warm ocean? Fuck your wild. It’s weird because a dream of mine is also for Clare to swim in a warm ocean… with cinderblocks attached to her ankles. Now call me crazy but I am not buying that their PG ocean make out session is the reason JP thinks she went to far. I am going to make a confident assumption that something may have slipped somewhere it shouldn’t in the dark Vietnamese waters. I hope she love-drunkedly slept in her wet bikini and got a yeast infection. She deserves one.
“There’s this thing that I have with Clare that I don’t have with anyone else in the house.” Yeah Juan, it’s called penetration. Duh.
For his second one on one date, Juan Pablo take Nikki (who looks like she is 14 headed to her first Coachella) propelling down what I assume is a Vietnamese rape cave. These bitches are so stupid. They think going against their will and doing things that literally brings them to TEARS is going to make their bond stronger with Juan Pablo. Ughhhh – shoot me. SO they propel down this dark ominous hole which reminds Juan of Clare’s vagina and then they go to dinner. Cool. Nikki goes on and on about being a nurse and helping the children and opening her heart and at this point I’m so over hearing about the children I just go refill my drink. I am over her and her bad bleach job.
At the rose ceremony, JP tells Clare they went too far and she pulls a total Glenn Close a la Fatal Attraction and all I can envision is her boiling Camilla’s pet Bunny.
REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS
All I care to say about this episode is that Carlton is an aggressive C-U-Next –Tuesday and needs a deep conditioning treatment. Side note: her husband looks like a retired Vegas magician. I also laughed my ass off watching the parallel of Yolanda and her daughter packing for college in their Hermes belts and Kim and her daughter getting fucking butterfly tattoos in the valley and trying to pretend it’s meaningful. There is nothing I hate more in this world than butterfly and dolphin tattoos. Bakersfield called, they want their tattoos back. But seriously, Carlton… you are such an asshole. Hex me bitch.
I won’t lie – when Stassi slapped Kristen last week I was pretty happy inside. Stassi is a total bitch but definitely the most articulate and entertaining. Her yellow hair in her interviews really distracts me from a lot of the things she says but the slap was hard to miss… especially since I have re-watched it 17 times.
I am going to only focus on the things that matter to me from last night’s episode. The photo shoot… what the fuck? Aren’t there some type of health regulations with nudity and restaurant servers (who def are harboring some STD’s )? I don’t get it… I love how they think their jobs are so glamorous… like you may get to do fancy photo shoot once a year but you are still polishing silverware and serving me mediocre tuna tartare the other 364. Then Scheana Marie has her engagement party/private performance of her new hit single “Good as Gold” which I emotionally can’t even comment on. Then Kristen struts in, much to everyone’s surprise, dressed like a 56 year old woman. Nice try with the pearl earrings Krissy – you’re still a dirty whore. When she admitted to sleeping with Jax my jaw fell to the floor. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? I had to restrain myself from jumping into my car driving to Sur and asking anyone there about 3,000,000 questions. Tom beats the shit out of Jax. Scheana plays the victim and cries in Lisa’s arms and Stassi looks fierce in her navy high slit gown as I cried with happiness at the reality television magic I was witnessing. That is how you do a Season Finale…. And I am spent.