#KimExposedTaylor

There are pop culture milestones that change history forever. Last night the world received a metaphorical edible arrangement in the form of Kim Kardashian vs Taylor Swift. As a squad reject, I have very personal feelings about Taylor Swift. I would rather hang out with ISIS than attend one of her holiday weekend barbeques. I am not thin or rich enough and I doubt she would be cool with my JonBenet Ramsey jokes.

As we all know, Taylor Swift is a nice girl. I have always struggled with the term “nice”. Nice is a behavior not a personality attribute. Just remember there are people who say Osama Bin Laden was NICE. I value authenticity over bullshit pleasantries which is why this story vindicates me so.

As we all know Nina Banks from Father of The Bride 2/ Jenny Humphrey aka Taylor Swift has been very vocal and self-righteous over Kanye West’s “Famous”. She gave a enthrallingly basic/victimized/ babysitters club Grammy speech jabbing at Kanye and insisting she was blindsided by the song. Innocent little cat lady. All the while Kanye West has INSISTED Taylor knew about the song. Pablo let the incident die while he was off taking a pair of scissors to a Fruit of The Loom sweatpants for Yeezy Season 5 until last night when Kim “Harriet the Spy” Kardashian Humphries West exposed T Swift with the light of a trillion Lumee cases.

Kim didn’t give us a cryptic tweet, suggestive caption or a magazine pull quote, she gave us kold hard evidence. That snapchat bomb was epic as fuck. I have never been a Kardashian fan, I find them incredibly uninteresting and tired. Except for Rob, what a strapping young sock mogul. I am kidding, he is the WORST. I must admit, Kim is my favorite.

I like to imagine Taylor Swift was home baking gluten-free banana bread, doodling in her Burn Book, watching yet another Friends rerun and manicly staring at herself in the mirror brushing her smug bob. Then her phone rings (Blank Space is her ringtone) and all hell breaks loose. She starts assaulting her housekeeper, takes a knife to her mattress, screams bloody murder and grits her teeth at her 38 cats while plotting her retaliation. She calls Karlie Kloss to see if with all of her “coding knowledge”she could take down Kim’s snapchat. Ironically, Karlie doesn’t ACTUALLY know how to code (side note: if you aren’t privy to Koding with Karlie please look into it, living for models pretending to be nerds and burger enthusiasts – stfu).

So instead, further perpetuating the victim mentality, Taylor responds by saying she didn’t know he was going to refer to her as “that bitch” and feels violated by being recorded without her knowing. Really? Remember when you professed to have no idea about Kanye’s song and there is a fucking VIDEO of you encouraging creative liberty? Bitch please.

The reason people dislike Taylor is because she seems void of authenticity. It started with the faux suprise everytime she won an award “what? me? no way! I can’t believe it. I am such an underdog!”. Then she took a big preaching shit all over Amy Poehler and Tina Fey after they made a miniscule joke about Taylors dating life. Instead of shaking that shit off (HELLO its an award show, if you get to do what you love and make millions of dollars doing so you can take a joke) Taylor shifted the narrative to feminism and voiced her concern for “pitting women against eachother…” shut the fuck up.

We can’t forget about Nicki Minaj pointing out that all MTV VMA nominations were in favor of slim women and Tay Tay made it ALL about her only to reconcile for an opening performance together. Ugh. Then most recently, Taylor willingly preferred and agreed to have a psuedonym as a writer on “This is What You Came For” and then oh so skillfully manipulated the narrative that she wasn’t getting proper credit. HUH? I just can’t.

Word on the street is that Taylor has a potential lawsuit against Kimye for releasing he phone call/ recording her without her permission. Unfortunately I know the extremities of these privacy infringements because I was almost sued by an emaciated busboy/ DJ (#PumpRules) but luckily he is too poor to prosecute. Taylor, bitch to bitch, if you choose to press charges not only will you have the rhythm of Gumby with Parkinson’s, you will also be a total narc. Darling, you are kinda a nightmare dressed like a day dream.

 

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ANTI SQUAD GOALS

Apparently #squadgoals is a thing. My personal squad consists of my crazy best friends (I may actually be considered the most stable in my posse which is mind-blowing), women I am bound to by blood #GrandmaGloria and my bikini waxer Rhonda. It’s a pretty glamorous crew, what can I say. Since I am a d-list podcast host and have started moving in more exciting social circles, I felt it necessary to create some honest boundaries with celebrities I don’t want in my future #girlsquad.

JESSICA ALBA Jessica Alba’s Instagram account and interview persona makes me want to take a shower with my blow dryer. I can honestly say I would rather go out for cocktails with a box of hair than her. Honest cleaning supplies are dope though so mazel tov to that Jess.

TAYLOR SWIFT Calm the FUCK down. Not to be a name-dropping asshole but I’ve met T Swift in an intimate setting and we kinda “chilled”. I was drunk and hangry so our impending friendship was overshadowed by my ancestral gravitation to the late night buffet spread #Jewish so a deep friendship between us didn’t blossom. She is really … nice. Unfortunately nice people bore me. I guess the real problem would be her not accepting someone who thinks Helen Keller jokes and light hearted racism is hilarious and casually uses the adjective “cunty” into her squad. Also it’s kinda only cool to BE in Taylor Swift’s girl squad if you ARE Taylor Swift. Otherwise you are just a minion clapping at award shows or awkwardly walking down a runway next to a bitch in a beaded leotard flailing her limbs around while singing “Style”.

ZOOEY DESCHANEL Maybe it’s the bangs, the harmonica I assume she carries in her tote (she would never call it a purse it’s a “tote”) or the plethora of 50’s housewife dresses. If wholesome had a poster bitch it would be Zooey Deschanel and it is so exhausting. If I was ever on the precipice of life or death and a She & Him song came on… I’d voluntarily choose death. I need her to randomly start wearing leather pants and let her bangs grow out. I need her not to constantly act like she is Ella Enchanted meets a girl at Coachella widdling wind chimes. She also just had a baby she named Elsie Otter as in the slippery barking sea mammal so there’s that #qUiRkY.

BEYONCÉ Just too fucking introverted. Too many boats, too many bikinis, too many black and white documentary clips. I can’t keep up with that.

CAITLYN JENNER People who truly have zero prejudices are not afraid to insult people whether they are gay, straight, male, female, trans, black, white, purple. I don’t get a lady chub for Caitlyn Jenner just because she transitioned and it’s politically correct. Despite the fact that her public transition was incredibly brave, will save lives and is amazing for the Tran community – I still think Caitlyn is an asshole. And I hate her cardigan sweaters so there, I said it, sue me.

LENA DUNHAM I still kind of love her but also think she takes on too many issues and over intellectualizes EVERYTHING which would not work out with me long term. But like, still kinda want to be her bff.

People I would like in my fictitious girl squad: Ilana Grazer and Abbi Jacobsen, Helen Mirren, Cindy Crawford, Lady Gaga, Goldie Hawn, Kristen Wiig (basic), Caroline Stanbury, Amy Schumer, Isla Fisher, Sophia Vergara, Lisa Ling, Hoda Kotb (filling my racial quota with last three) and my ultimate frenemy Gwyneth Paltrow.

Bad Blood

Taylor Swift is premiering her new music video this Sunday and every celebrity and Serayah (who is that?) are in this fucking video. I can barely get my 84-year-old Grandma to do my half hour podcast series and Tay Tay’s locked down the entire CAA client list. Rumor is the song is about Katy Perry and I’m hoping for full-blown passive aggressive awesomeness. Secretly I think Taylor is sending a message a la Regina George like “Lol Katy, all these celebrities hate you too! Go hang out with Demi Lovato and be miserable! “

Famous people should literally never complain about anything. You are the luckiest sons of bitches on the planet. Someone recognized me at Target 3 weeks ago so I’m basically a local celebrity but still have managed to stay super down to earth despite my wild success. Let’s be clear, I would do a lot of weird shit to further my career. I’m not above it. I’d fake an illness, lose a limb, gain 400 lbs, smuggle some drugs. Hustle has no moral compass and I’m comfortable with that. I curse the day I was born without any serious physical defects… I’d probably have an endorsement deal by now. OR get cast in this music video.

Maybe I am delusional but I feel like Taylor would really love me. She’d be hesitant at first because I cuss so much and exercise casual racism for shock value but soon she’d use me as an external outlet to say all the things her publicist won’t let her. She’d become super dependent on me and I’d allow it while I secretly poison her cats and decide it was worth the emotional turmoil because we only fly private which I love.

So far we have Gigi Hadid, Cara Delevigne, Jessica Alba, Lena Dunham, Ellie Goulding, Hayley Williams, Ellen Pompeo, Serayah McNeill, Lily Aldridge, Kendrick Lamar, Karlie Kloss​, Zendaya​, Martha Hunt and Hailee Steinfeld​. WHAT THE FUCK IS MARISKA HARGITAY AND ELLEN POMPEO DOING IN HER VIDEO. Who’s next? Fucking Vivica Fox? At least that would make sense cause she would be filling a racial quota. Who the hell do I need to rescue a cat from and bake with to get in this video? I’m coming for you Lorde.

Unfabulous

First, I must address the anorexic elephant in the room. I am not talking about the homage to my favorite Nickelodeon show in the title of this post (bonus bitch points if you understand this reference… Emma Roberts in her prime).

For everyone that watched the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last night (shamefully I did, but only to see if they aired Ariana Grande getting bitch slapped by an angel wing), Karlie Kloss’ strange ballet dream sequence was the most awkward thing I’d ever experienced, out-awking when my second cousin told me I had nice boobs. Bitch wasn’t even in pointe shoes… It was painful and awesome all at the same time. She kept referencing her “background in ballet” but didn’t showcase any actual ballet skills. To clarify, watching Center Stage and not eating doesn’t make you a prima ballerina. She is still very gorgeous so I will forgive her… also if I’m ever famous, I’d like to be in her clique. I’d fit right in as the bitchy, funny friend who likes carbs. She rolls with T Swizzle so I would get them both into liquid calories and make jokes about hating all of Taylor’s cats. At first Tay would take it personally, but then she would realize I have a hidden heart of gold and thank me in her next album for teaching her how to lighten up and not take life so seriously. We would also work with her awkward “dance moves” which is more or less just her whipping her noodly limbs around dramatically. Sounds refreshing right? Watch me.

I am in this really weird headspace lately where I totally don’t give a shit about anything except my dog, my boyfriend, work and hand sanitizer. Maybe it’s the holiday spirit or just a quarter life crisis but I’ve been feeling especially detached from the real world. When I decide to strap on my hottest new Tom wedges, put on my signature Tiffany charm bracelet and fave Bebe tracksuit (I am fucking joking) I find myself incredibly turned off by the strangers I meet.

I really don’t like people who let their stuff validate them. I realize I may sound like a huge hypocrite considering I have nearly sold an ovary for a fresh pair of Louboutins, but I work hard and can buy whatever the fuck I want. Working hard and treating yourself is different then letting these stupid “things” validate you. Maybe it’s just an LA thing (although I hate to sound like an anti-Angeleno because LA is my home and I love it here) I am just so over pretentious people. Air kissing, entitled, name dropping bullshit. I would rather sit in an Outback Steakhouse with a gaggle of sequined visor wearing hillbillies then listen to one more hoe-bag talk about the travesty of Isabel Marant for H&M or fuckin’ SoulCycle. I don’t want to be fabulous or fancy. I want to be funny and smart. Is that so strangely simple to say?

As I’ve grown and met new people, I’ve realized I naturally gravitate towards people who are extremely talented, extremely humble and extremely self-deprecating. I no longer care if your dad can get us N’Sync tickets or if your slutty mom allows boys to sleepover. Priorities have shifted, acquaintances drifted and sugar sifted. I don’t know what that last rhyme means but let it marinade… I am positive it could read super deep.

We live in a world where people, places and things play as attributes to who we are. I am so guilty of this. I will geotag myself anywhere that has 4 stars and above on Yelp. I’m not proud. I’m going to Hakkasan tonight and you best believe I will Instagram the shit out of it… Fingers crossed I make it to the Explore page.

Designer shoes don’t make your steps more important, Balenciaga bags don’t make your baggage lighter and a Mercedes doesn’t make your road any smoother… Although I drive a Mercedes and that shit really glides. If your identifiers are things a bitch should reprioritize and reroute. If that doesn’t work… Go lose yourself through the art of dance like Karlie Kloss.

Queen of The Dance – Tay Swift

Taylor oh sweet Taylor. Why is our one sided relationship so taxing? I think you are a really talented songwriter. What you have been able to accomplish at such a young age is very impressive and given my serious lack of accomplishments, my hats off to you. However, you need to stop dancing. But seriously it needs to stop. You make me so uncomfortable when I have to watch you do your strange arm flail, body roll, awkward foot stomp and shoulder thrust. When you do them all in unison I literally get anxiety. The worst part for me is she is genuinely trying to be sexy. She is stuck in a room with a whole gaggle of men that have dumped her, she’s gotten all glammed and now she is using this platform to try and act carefree with her contrived dance moves. “Look I am Taylor Swift, despite the 17 pending restraining orders I have acquired from men in this room I am going to lip sync to every performance stand up and try to seduce the camera with my hairography and protruding shoulder bones!” No girl. I live for the dance and love people that let it all go despite zero coordination or rhythm. I completely applaud that. However, Tay Tay clearly thinks her moves are haute shit and let’s just keep it real. She looks like a half cooked noodle… with cerebral palsy. I mean that with love. taylor-swift-vma-2013-1tumblr_mmgpsrhUzl1sqsszco1_500ec4585c4-9d51-4f1a-bc1f-81461342362b_Taylor-Dance-1tumblr_me0mxjIVXl1rt5j95 tumblr_m3d0bgwL5b1qfoj4do1_250tumblr_mnz9wxjglI1sqsszco1_r1_250taylor-swift-headbang-gif

I just want to understand her and more importantly BELIEVE her. I am no Miss Cleo but I foresee a serious Anne Hathaway backlash once Tay Tay hits her 30’s. The overly gracious “girl next door” schtick will be long overdone and she can’t possibly pretend to be so fucking surprised every time she wins an award for another 5 years.tumblr_msi5fihAMF1sqsszco1_400

We get it. You’re a grown up. You’re “sexy” now. You’ve banged every eligible bachelor in Hollywood. You invested in a straightening iron. Now get a choreographer. Mazel tov girl.tumblr_mxioxdp8xf1qfoj4do3_250

Cocktail Analysis – Ladies Edition

As a social observer, I am always wondering what kind of women order what kind of drinks. I have never been extremely experimental with my beverage options but after some very extensive research, I have made some scientific conclusions about what your GO-TO drink says about your personality. I should be clear that this is based on your ultimate drink of choice at a bar or other drinking encouraged environment. We aren’t talking a hit it and quit it relationship, this cocktail is your main bitch. These observations are only geared towards LADIES, there will be a mens edition later. Clearly a woman who’s go-to  is champagne and a man who’s go-to is champagne are two entirely different situations. She is prissy and he probably is a huge mo… Duh.

Champagne – Oh my! (Heather Dubrow reference) Ordering champagne at a bar is like painting a big red x on your face for all potential suitors. I have a few guidelines when it comes to drinking champagne. Drink it at brunch, drink it with your girls, drink if you are celebrating, drink it if it’s expensive or drink if it’s free. The end. It aint fancy if it’s Andre girl.

Wine – Friendly, girly, nice – sometimes too nice. Loves The Bachelor and probably thinks Taylor Swift is really pretty. Loves an emoji. May or may not have serious love affair with frozen yogurt and could still own a pair of True Religion jeans.

Beer – Guys love a girl that drinks beer. Fun, go with the flow kind of girl. Not someone who gets super sloppy. Wears jean shorts a lot. That’s all I have. I personally don’t trust girls who can’t drink a beer. It’s a character flaw.

Tequila (on the rocks)  – I had to specify on the rocks because this person is very different than someone who drinks margaritas. Obvi. My kinda girl, I can’t roll with tequila but appreciate this type of liquid commitment. No mixer, no problem.

Whiskey Drinks – Wears crop tops. Has definitely vacationed at a Lake at one point in time (Havasu, Tahoe, Laughlin? Is that a a lake?) Thinks platform shoes (circa Spice Girls) are making a big comeback.  Definitely not a Jew. Jewish bitches don’t drink whiskey. ** I have many friends who busted my ass for this. I had one person in mind while writing this and I apologize #backpedaling.

Mojito/Margarita – I like a mojito/margarita kind of girl. Firstly, I live for a garnish and mint is very refreshing. Secondly, I find the mojito/margarita girl to not be super health conscience which I love because nothing is more of a buzzkill than a calorie counter (I’m talking to you Vodka Soda’s).

Vodka Soda (or any alcohol + soda water) – Buzzkill. That can’t taste good, your drinking carbonated alcohol. At least add some cranberry, or just go big with no frills and drink it straight. Can I get an amen?

Dirty Martini – HUGE pain in the ass, high maintenance yet delightfully witty and ballsy (this all applicable to me because this is my drink).

Long Island Iced Tea – Balls to the walls. Always has a karaoke song/choreography prepared given the opportunity presents it self. Love this kind of girl, from a distance at least. My ex boyfriend drank 2 Long Island’s one night out and puked all over my bed, floor and favorite jacket so I still have negative feelings about anyone with male genitalia who drinks them ( If you are reading this, I still pinpoint this as the ultimate demise of our relationship. That and and the fact that the only date we had in college –yes singular– was to CPK xo)

Anything Blue – Get your shit together.

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