Bachelor Recap: Hoe-metowns

Holy fuckballs, its already hometown dates. This both excites me and depresses me. What the hell am I supposed to do on Monday nights once this is over? How will I go on? Do I need a Lexapro prescription? It’s all too emotionally strenuous.

The first hometown is with Amanda in Laguna Beach. I kept fantasizing that Stephen Coletti is secretly her baby daddy and Hilary Duff was going to do an impromptu performance of “Come Clean”. If you don’t get that reference leave this site and never return. They start the date with a playdate on the beach so Ben can meet Ombre’s kids. Full disclosure; I cried like a newborn when she reunited with her spawn. Listen, Amanda’s kids are cute. I was impressed by their gladiator sandals but had to knock them down a few pegs for the pigtails… it’s a bit Sundays at Church basic for me. And when I say they are cute I mean that half-heartedly. Calm down. Not all kids are cute and it’s detrimental to society to imply differently. But despite all of that, I can’t imagine their connection is strong enough for Ben to be an Insta-dad. Finally, they slip the kids some Benadryll PM and Ben assures Manders that her family was “awesome” kk bye.

Next, Ben heads to Portland Oregon to see Lauren B. I like her and think she is an obvious frontrunner but I need her to chill with the flannel and invest in a professional blowdry. They food truck hop and then head to a whiskey museum. My kind of a date! Not having kids is so refreshing. Is Lauren B always cold or drinking too many sulfites? Her nose is always so red and it concerns me. Lauren’s hott sister is clearly skeptical about Ben and Lo’s relationship so in attempts to get more screen time (which I’m assuming gave her a gallery of triple digit like-worthy #TBT instaposts) pulls Ben aside to get the dirt. In the reality TV moment of my dreams, I was praying Lauren’s sister had one too many glasses of Sangria and tried to make a move on Ben. But instead I was jolted back to planet earth as Ben started fucking crying whilst explaining his feelings for Lauren. Just stab me in the ovary. Or give me Ben’s “hope” bracelet and let me hang myself from a Bachelor mansion balcony. Ugh.

Jojo. The bitch that seems too mentally stable to be on the Bachelor. UNTIL she approaches her Dallas condo and finds a dozen red roses (gag). She assumes they are from Ben but once she starts reading the accompanying 86-page letter attached realizes they are from her ex boyfriend. To be honest, I immediately assumed this was a Cher Horowitz moment from Clueless like when she would send herself flowers and chocolates to make gay-boy Christian jealous. Totally something I would bust out on a hometown. Fucking Chad. I could go into details about Jojo’s thirst trap brothers and shit like that but let me cut to the chase. The moment where Jo’s mother swigged that wine straight from the bottle was the realest moment in television history. Especially since at dinner they were sipping from Baccarat. Ben was like Vivian from Pretty Woman navigating their extensive silverware. Jojo’s family is single handedly keeping potpourri and faux floral enterprises afloat. The takeaway is that Jojo’s mom should be cast on Bachelor in Paradise.

Finally, Ben heads somewhere to meet Caila’s fambam. Guys… “My dad is the CEO of a toy company” was so Gretchen Weiners I can’t even. So they awkwardly build a playskool dream house and I’m bored as fuck. I really liked Caila’s family. I desperately wish her mother would’ve opted for effing Invisalign but I digress. Caila assures her family that Ben is the one and wants to tell him she is in love with him. Either the Filipino food that was served kick started some impulsive bowel movements so she needed to find a toilet ASAP OR she totally pussed out because bitch said nothing. Fuck she has great hair though…

Amanda gets sent home (saw that one coming) and I will miss her demure Cinderella nature and severely aggressive ombre hair. Fuck I miss Lace. Until next week bitches!

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Things I Kurrently Kan’t With

Sorry I haven’t been actively blogging lately. I have been in a great mood lately and tend to only do my best work when I am angry or super menstrual. Lucky for you and my vagina, I am menstruating (#notpregnant) so I knew it was time to delight my bitches with some updates on my life.

Firstly, I have started wearing Uggs. I feel like I should probably go get a Wal-Mart credit card and go buy some fucking Warm Vanilla Lace body spray because isn’t that what people in Uggs do? This is a true story, I am quoted in my high school yearbook saying, “Uggs are UG” a decade ago (I won ‘Best Style’ #humblebrag and that tidbit was all I could come up with as a style philosophy). At the time, this was very controversial. I lost like 7 friends who swore by a Hollister jean skirt and Ugg boot combo after that was published. So as you can imagine, as I ventured to Starbucks this morning in leggings and my very vintage Uggs I felt like a super cunt traitor but also amazing.

Also on an entirely unrelated note… someone called me a pedophile on twitter. Just because I innocently called Hilary Duff’s 4 year old son hott. I would like to go on record and say that I stand by that statement. Seriously though have you seen him? Hottest 4 year old I have ever seen. If the one upside of sexism is that as a woman it’s less pedophilic to call kids hott, then please let me take advantage of that. Kaia Gerber is hott as fuck. She gets Cindy Crawford genealogy AND a lifetime of Casamigos Tequila. Romeo Beckham… please call me when you are 18. Or 17. Or 12.

Fuck “friends day”. The best part about making harsh statements against these fabricated Facebook holidays is that people get so offended and immediately start to defend themselves for taking part in the propaganda. If you are a regular cyber stalker like yours truly, you don’t need a sappy computer generated slideshow to reminisce. Firstly, you don’t even like 60% of the people pictured and secondly, no one gives a fuck. Publicly celebrating FrIeNdS dAy is like publicly celebrating your menstrual cycle after a pregnancy scare. Or like a Ramona Singer “New Beginnings” party. It’s self indulgent as fuck.

And lastly, on this day February 3, 2016, I initiate yet another Kardashian Kleanse. Because after 3 painful episodes of Kocktails with Khloe, 26 disgruntled reader emails attacking me for calling Caitlyn Jenner an asshole and 487 hours of watching Kylie Jenner’s snapchat and crying myself to sleep – I just kan’t do it anymore.

I miss Lace.

Bachelor Recap Week 3

It’s always a sunny day at the Bachelor mansion. The episode starts with the frontrunners single mom with killer ombre hair and small featured Lauren B talking shit about Olivia the Velociraptor. Shocker. Instantly my only concern is where the fuck Lace is.

Lauren B gets the first one on one date and Olivia almost has an annuerism. “The Sky’s The Limit!” reads the date card and my two concerns are; could they at least TRY and make it look like Ben’s writing and not some disgruntled female production assistant’s and do they only plan dates that have correlate with some stupid semi-inspirational saying you may find at the bottom of a substitute teacher’s email signature “If you can think it, you can be it!” Fucking shoot me in the retinas. The women always delight in the romance of it all… negligent to remember they are sleeping in BUNKBEDS all trying to pork the same dude. Love lifts us up where we belong… on the top bunk.

Lauren B and Ben take flight and all I can focus on is that Ben is wearing a bracelet with a metal plate that says “HOPE”… and there goes my lady boner. They park their little jet plane in a super rapey deserted land plot where conveniently an above ground Jacuzzi is waiting for them so Ben can see if Lauren B is an 7 or 8 based on her bikini bod.

Back at the mansion, pretty but overly emotional half-Asian Caila sheds a tear over how hard it is to imagine him on another one on one date. Dear Caila, this is the fucking Bachelor. Stop crying and have a mimosa.

At dinner, Lauren B proclaims she only “likes really simple things”. I appreciate her game strategy and suggest all woman take notes. Being yourself is wonderful. But being full of shit is better. She goes on and on about how much she loves her dad and basically wants to bone him despite paternity. They swap stories of their cookie-cutter, Pastor guided, functional familied lives and bitch gets her rose. And just when things couldn’t get any better, ANOTHER COMPLETELY UNKNOWN MUSICAL ACT!

The group date card arrives and FINALLY Lace gets some screen time while she sits on the end of the coach gnawing at her nails twitching. The ladies are forced to compete for time with Ben which I LOVE because nothing screams girl power more than a bunch of woman pitted against eachother over a ball. That metaphor is not lost on me.

Jubilee is scared Ben doesn’t like black girls and to cover ABC’s ass explains that she is “complicated” and “not his type” so she is concerned. Little does she know Ben appears to be down for the swirl. Get it Jubs!

Queen Lace and Low Budge Mary-Kate are the goalies and something about watching them face dive puts a little spring in my step. “Balls flying at your face is never fun. But if I have to hurt myself, I’ll hurt myself.” Um same. For a moment I was SURE Olivia was going to Tanya Harding the injured girl. The losers cry and go back to the asylum, I mean the mansion.

Olivia is straight up Glenn Close. I hope Ben does not have a bunny. After Glenn steals Ben away to discreetly snip a lock of his hair, the bitches downstairs start talking about her toes and bad breath. Regardless if this is true, she is still significantly better looking than most of you so… have some perspective. “Perfection is so lame.”

Jubilee scores the next one on one date and offends the girls for calling Ben out on being late and saying shes not that excited for their date. Team fucking Jubilee. Also, did a producer slip Lace some sedatives? What the fucking fuck? Jubilee is NOT down with the caviar but very into hot dogs… I like your innuendos boo. Homegirl gets the rose and I am thrilled.

My absolute favorite moment happens at the rose ceremony when Ben somberly tells the ladies that he lost family friends in a plane crash and 2.4 seconds later Olivia consoles Ben by sharing some of her internal struggles… living with cankles. She tries to stay strong but her ankle radius is the real tragedy of the day. Like sorry about your dead friends but like I CAN NEVER WEAR AN ANKLET.

These bitches get their polyblend panties in a bunch when they see Jubilee giving a Ben a massage when she already has a rose. THIS IS A FUCKING COMPETITION YOU DUMBFUCKS, why would she forego time to expedite another girls relationship with Ben? Fuck off Amber. You are acting like an insecure petty asshole.

Then something truly terrible happens… Lace resurrects and says “Bahn… can I talk to yuh?” In her most mentally stable moments yet, Lady Lace explains that she needs to go home and work on herself. Like her tattoo says “You can’t love someone else, unless you truly love yourself.” And she says she doesn’t love herself which absolutely slaughters me because I LOVE HER ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US. LACE, DON’T GO, DON’T LEAVE ME. LIVE, LAUGH, LACE. So now, I need to go take a bath with my blowdryer because I have no reason to live.

Shushanna and Jami (both of whom I could give a fuck about) leave and I am still in a post-Lace coma. Please respect my privacy during this time of need. Because you know I’m all about that Lace, bout that Lace.

 

The Bachelor Recap

Not to seem vapid and lacking any real or impactful hobbies and dreams, but reality television has a very special place in my heart. I know some of you reading this (but like, why the fuck are you reading this?) are rolling your eyes and turning your noses at the previous statement. Reality television is just garbage, unintellectual and for stupid brainless millenials to you. Go fuck a composter or your vegan leather journal made by Indonesian orphans you pretentious hipster fuckhead. Reality television is escapism and keeps my seratonin levels sky highs sans medication.

Reality television is ruining society, it’s people who were never taught the gift of judgement and can’t differentiate between observing others mistakes via television for entertainment value instead of making the mistakes on your own. Who’s intellectual now? The Bachelor for me is not only a sad 2 hour marathon of updos and sad pageant wear gone wrong, but also a real behind the curtain look at female sociology.

Here we have 208 women in a balls deep COMPETITION for a husband. The whole thing is a real mind fuck when you break it down. So you are supposed to be “authentic” while living in a mansion that’s not yours, wearing a gown selected by a wardrobe stylist, going on dates you cannot afford and have zero say in your impending marital bliss. It’s un-fucking-believable.

I can’t decide whether I have more respect for the girls who are actually there solely to find love (semi pathetic) or the one’s who are there solely to make it far enough where they can land a correspondent job on Access Hollywood and try and fuck Chris Harrison. Probably the latter.

The best part of the show are the awkward limo entrances, the bullshit job titles (fucking CHICKEN ENTHUSIAST? I love kabob but can’t put that shit on Linkedin..) and the crying confessionals. Lace is an American hero. She looks like Fiona (Parker Posey) in Josie & The Pussycats after she just poured a warm buttery chardonnay in every orifice of her body and I like it. I also really enjoyed the solemn firecrotch castaway… I hope she gets an SPF 115 endorsement deal. I also like that Rachel kept it 100 and declared herself “unemployed”. I tend to root for the girls who drink the most or are the prettiest. I am not saying that’s right, but it’s the fucking truth.

Now for the ladies I want to drown in the mansion infinity pool. Mandi (with an i) and that fucking rose on her head, needs to get punched in the vagina. When she offered Ben the opportunity to “pollenate” her I considered transitioning genders. Haley & Emily aka Dumb & Fucking Dumber are actually the worst. They are from Las Vegas (shocker) and come as some type of sister wive package deal. Their job title is “Twins”. When they said “how can you beat this?” I jotted down some ways…

  1. Have a brain.
  2. Be someone not trying to fuck the same dude as your sister.
  3. Don’t wear jewelry from fucking Icing.
  4. Or dresses from JC Penney Prom section.
  5. Have a brain?

Stock your fridge with champagne because it’s Bachelor season, the REAL happiest time of the year.

 

 

WHAT THE FUCK KAITLYN?

Don’t worry there are NO SPOILERS IN THIS POST because I am not a heartless monster. This is really hard for me to write considering I am too afraid to utilize Google and get the full story. I am in a fragile emotional state and haven’t been this veklempt since Jake Pavelka’s proposal to Vienna.

Anyone who knows me, knows that my main reason for waking up each day and striving for lavish mediocrity is solely for the right to watch subpar reality television. In particular, any Bravo franchise and The Bachelor/Bachelorette. I have been faithful and loyal to these programs since I was practically a fetus. I don’t watch the news, keep up with any international affairs, keep oblivious views politically and still am entirely unsure if Hawaii is apart of the United States. That shit is too real, give me vapid programming, my soul NEEDS it.

It came to my attention today that Kaitlyn accidentally snapchatted a picture of her with the alleged winner of The Bachelorette. This is basically the equivalent of shooting my entire family and then robbing me of their life insurance policies so I would be forced to prostitute myself to pay for funeral arrangements. Has she NO consideration for the extreme emotional involvement I have for her journey to find love? Has she NO appreciation for my weekly evaluations of which guys like it up the ass and which ones are simply there for free booze and to live somewhere other then their mother’s house? Has she NO brain capacity to understand the life threatening consequences for her actions?

If I was ever on the precipice of a Lexapro prescription, this would push me over the edge. In fact, I am currently writing this out on my balcony and if I saw a red rose on a silver tray or heard Chris Harrison’s voice I may jump to end my own death.

Besides all of THIS, I know have to spend the next 2 months executing top notch self control to preserve my innocence and NOT FIGURE OUT WHO FUCKING WINS. I would also like to use this post as a for warning that if you even ALLUDE to the mystery man in this snapchat photo I will call Kupa and send him over to your house to beat the shit out of you.

Kaitlyn, I will never forgive you for this. Or your weird elbow tattoos. Or keeping JJ around. Or your rapping skills.

Sincerely,

Jackie

Bachelorette Recap

So after everyone acknowledges JJ and Clint are back door lovers, Kaitlyn pulls Clint aside and gives his vest-wearing ass the boot. I will say it once, I will say it again – never trust a bitch in a vest. Unless they are making your dirty martinis or are a fucking vampire in hiding. It always amuses me how emotional the Bachelorettes get after like 1.3 days of knowing the guys. Boohoo. When Clint gets cut, JJ goes flaccid and then demands an apology from Clint. What a butt chinned biatch. On the real, their sexual tension is OFF THE CHARTS. Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey got NOTHING on that chemistry. WHY THE FUCK IS JJ CRYING AND WHY DO I WANT TO KICK HIM IN THE THROAT SO BADLY?

The gang heads to New York to find love in the big apple. How adorable. Doug E. Fresh joins the group date and all the white midwestern guys pretend to be huge fans. Super cultural! The rap battle is the most depressing and Arian shit of all time, but lingering in the crowds is virgin Ashley (who looks hott) and creeper Nick. Conveniently, he decides to rear his Jew curl frizzed head once filming starts so he can further delay being a real man with a real career. THIRSTY.

Jared scores the one on one date and he is #STOKED. I am still judging him for wearing bright yellow converse and homeboy needs a Crest white strip in a jiffy but he’s cute in a gerbil-esque way.

ABC busts out a really ominous strange montage of dramatic NYC scenery while we hear a phone call between Kaitlyn and Nick and she still can’t make up her fucking mind. Then Kaitlyn does what any other gal dating 65 guys on national television would do, invites her side bitch to meet only after getting her weave worked by that psychopath Ashley. I am over all these cameos. If the network is looking to spice up the show cant they just hire a transgender Bachelorette? Or shoot the season from a psych ward?

Nick, hot tip: when deciding your romantic fate, don’t dress up like Mr. Rogers in a rapey maroon cardigan. Lucky for him, Kaitlyn lets him and his offensive outerwear stay and join the other guys at the hotel.

Jared is really living up to his Restaurant Manager job title in that tux. Back at the hotel, the rest of the guys bitch about the situation and all I can focus on is Ian’s hair growth situation… Jared busts out a poem Shel Silverstein would shoot himself in the asshole for. Then they get in a helicopter and blah blah blah.

For the group date, Kaitlyn makes the guys audition for a Broadway play and we all learn the dentist is a homosexual, hence the light washed denim. Chris wins the one on one date and I learn in this episode that this Cupcake boy bugs the fuck out of me. They climb up to the New Years Eve ball and he squeals with glee over seeing a big shiny ball in the flesh. Chris loves Broadway and balls. Think about it. Broadway. Balls.

Nick moves in and the rest is to be continued…

Millenial Matchmaker

Unless you have been living in a cave or totally suck, hopefully you are listening to The Bitch Bible podcast series. It’s perfect for carpooling with the kids, family dinners and everyday guidance… okay maybe not but it’s still pretty wonderful. Please be warned it is NOT for the easily offended.

Click PODCAST tab on the menu above to listen and laugh your ass off. It may not be nice but it sure as fuck isn’t boring.

On this weeks podcast I make a public call to action to play matchmaker for my sister Ashley, my gusband Max and my producer Yimu. If you are a strapping young lad who is looking for love please submit photo and a brief bio to sayhi@thebitchbible.com but ONLY if you meet the qualifications listed below….

  1. Ages 18-80
  2. Must be employed
  3. Must own a car (not a fucking bike)
  4. Must be mostly STD free
  5. Must not own any cats
  6. Must not have any children
  7. Must be okay with recreational drug use
  8. Property owners encouraged
  9. Trust funds encouraged
  10. Trust funds and terminal illnesses even MORE encouraged.

If this sounds like you please send portfolios our way, for more info on our bachelorettes follow us on Instagram: @bitchbible and twitter @the_bitch_bible

Bachelorette Recap

So tonight was like a blend of Magic Mike, Animal House and To Catch a Predator. I swore to all my family and friends that if Nick S made it through with his pedophilic receding hairline I was going to shank myself. Can we all agree that at least 34% of these guys are closeted homosexuals and/or have made minor appearances on Megan’s Law? I like how ABC makes sure they keep around the minorities for the first few weeks to avoid any type of racial discrimination lawsuits. I personally would love a brotha Bachelor, then maybe we could see some real dancing and not this limb flandering bullshit and awkward swaying to B-list country bands. Ugh.

Andi’s first one on one date was with Eric who recently passed away hence why I won’t be dissecting this date with my usual aggressive tone. ABC really exploited the fuck out of that one… he seemed very sweet, sincere and I’d hit it – moving on…

For the group date, Andi wrangles her slew of men and makes them grind and strip for… charity? Listen, I know a thing or 2 about manipulating the weak-willed for “charity” that solely benefits yours truly (ehem Charity Hoax) but c’mon. This was no Magic Mike situation… this was like a special ed homosexual talent show. Not down. And what the fuck was with the robot costume? So to celebrate the guys super special and admirable philanthropy work, Andi shimmys into a Charlotte Ruse polyester bodycon dress and hangs with the gang of losers at the house. Bradley the opera singer sounds like my fucking Cantor from Hebrew school. I want to punch him right in the vocal cords. Craig gets wasted and looks like an old sweaty frat boy who has definitely been accused of date rape on 4 separate occasions #frontrunner. He is not hott enough to pull that kind of behavior off, duh.

For her second one on one date Andi goes out with the “farmer” Chris. Where do they cast for this fucking show? The line to collect unemployment? Andi and Chris head to the horse races and I bet it’s super awky for Chris since he probably lost his virginity to some form of livestock. Raise your hand if you believe they just CASUALLY ran into that old married couple. Exactly… Andi and Cotton-eyed Joe end their date awkwardly swaying to some singer who has a pubic haired beard. And why the hell are the dancing in a roped off area… could they be more white? This scene makes me YEARN for a black Bachelor/Bachelorette like nothing else. Really? Two things that piss me off: bad rhythm and side buns. Kill me.

Craig (frat rat) Carl (Travis Barker and Adrien Brody’s lovechild) and Nick S (Megan’s Law) all went home and nobody cared.

The Final Rose – Bachelor Recap

So alas, it is finale week in St Lucia. Juan Pablo emerges from the lush landscape and solemnly walks on the beach pondering his big upcoming decision. For a moment I feel guilty as I may have been too harsh on Juan Pablo this season. Then he says “the ocean is so blue” and im jolted back to reality. Fucking idiot. No it’s purple like your gay shirt. Nice try Tinkie Winkie we still all know you’re a homophobe. Go back to Venezuela. So Juany-Poo gets ready to meet Clare and introduce her to his family. “I like Clare a lot” well that’s promising… #wifey. Clare clad in a 2006 magenta sun dress with a painfully unnecessary waste belt meets JP and his loyal brood. “You can tell how much they love eachother” …. I mean. Just fucking shoot me. Clearly his “cousin” Rodolfo was a local pool boy ABC hired to make Juan seem like he has at least one family member that likes him. Did anyone else think it was super creepy that Clare and Papa Pablo were holding hands and gazing into each others eyes. The first “I love you” within the Pablo bloodline should probably come from your mentally challenged boyfriend not his erect father. Hopefully these two didn’t have a 4am penetration in the St Lucia waters. Keep it in your pants JP senior. This ain’t Venezuela.

Next up Nikki and her boxed bleach job get to meet the fam bam. She has the slight advantage having already met most of his family in Miami at Camilla’s dance recital. Being ever so self aware, Nikki goes on about her worldly travels and Camilla just lays there like oh really bitch? That’s chic. I’ve been stuck in fucking Miami developing my future intimacy issues thanks to my absentee father. Glad you’re having such a great time jet setting you frizzy haired whore. Besitos!  Juan’s horny father makes his second play (less aggressively) with Nikki by shitting on his sons temper. Then Mama Pablo basically tells Nikki her son is super boring. Nikki blinks and is not picking up on any of the red flags his parents are basically throwing at her face. Wait a second…Rodolfo suddenly has braces? Does ABC have dental benefits? You go Ro-ro.

For their final date Clare and Juan go on a helicopter ride and I can only hope and pray a native bird flies into the propeller. As they land the cameras and audio are off and Juan says “I love f*cking you” allegedly. Yes even I had to use an asterisk on that one… EW. Clare is pissed and confused. Hell has officially frozen over. Now I’m actually liking Claire in comparison to how much hatred I am having towards Juan Pablo. I want to shank him. He comes to her hotel room where she denies him the besitos and I start to have a small change of heart. Okay Clare, here is your moment. Redeem yourself from a season of bad Bebe cocktail dresses and annoying optimism – rip that Venezuelan douchebag a new one. And then… I hate her again. As she tries and explain how she was offended and Juan just tells her “Es okay”. Clare moronically forgives him and is back to deciding which boarding school they should send Camilla too and ordering their monogrammed towels. Fuck my life.

Nikki and JP go on a catamaran and Juan avoids having any intellectual conversation like a fucking champ. They make out and frolic in the water like tweedle dee and tweedle dumbfuck. After their boating excursion Juan goes to Nikki’s hotel room for their last night before the final rose. These bitches and their maxi dresses – I CANT. I literally could have a more intellectual conversation with a flagpole. Um aren’t you supposed to possibly be getting engaged tomorrow? Perhaps that inclines you to have an ACTUAL dialogue. And why the fuck would she give him a gift? Girl, go home.

The ladies get glam for their final rose ceremony and clearly borrowed gowns from Real Housewive of Beverly Hills Joyce. Clare is wearing a right off the runway Wet Seal prom dress and Nikki is rocking a Fredericks of Hollywood gown complete with a slit that showcases her labia. Their hair is teased, make-up is caked and chandelier earrings donated by Icing are on. We all know that the first off the boat is the loser. Clare and her veneers go get dumped by Juan Pablo and she leaves us with the best quote of the season “I would never want my children having a father like you!” BOOM BITCH. I still hate her but I am glad she didn’t pull a Lauren Conrad with black tears streaming down her face. She really rose to the occasion and was able to articulate herself without any tears and give that fucker some shade. Then Nikki and her exposed vagina bust on the scene and Juan explains he is not ready to propose but can’t let her go. He also doesn’t say I love you and “es okay” with Nikki. So like what – are they dating? Is this supposed to be romantic? EW. Maybe it was a good move not to propose – he is going to need to Pawn that Neil Lane ring to pay for the years of therapy Camilla has coming her way #daddydrama. Juan Pablo, not only are you one chromosome away from being classified short bus you are also the WORST and most hated bachelor of all time. Es not okay – adios fuckhead.

I will also be starting a Kickstarter as my first philanthropy project to raise funds for Camilla’s therapy bills #humanitarian

Monday Night TV Recap

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Joyce (Jacqueline) really can annoy the fuck out of me “ay dios mio!” but I think she is genuinely a nice person, not that it particularly matters to me. Kim’s Spanish is perfection. Yolanda has a seriously hot body.  Kyle is probably shitting herself at the chance to wear one of her 56,000 caftans in the appropriate situation. Lisa is petrified to be sharing a bathroom with her husband and claims her hotel lavatory is the same size as Giggy’s bathroom.   Brandi needs to grow the fuck up and stop acting like an 8 year old bitch. So Lisa isn’t calling you every morning? Boo fucking hoo. If it walks like a victim, talks like a victim and cries like a victim… It’s a fucking victim. Bottom Line – Get OVER yourselves.

The Bachelor Part One

I am just going to come out and say it … Juan Pablo sucks ass. What he lacks in basic English he definitely makes up for in Latin douche – ness. He blames his apparent lack of intelligence to the premise that “English is his second language” he was born in fucking New York. He did grow up in Venezuela but he has been here for enough time to not sound like such a dumb fuck in Spanglish. This has nothing to do with a language barrier, he is basically one chromosome away from being mentally challenged. Also let it be forever noted any man that prefers to be addressed by two names is a next level red flag. Bitch puh-lease.

So it’s home date time. Yay (that was sarcastic). First Juan heads to Kansas City to meet Nikki and her family. She takes him to a seriously rapey looking BBQ joint and he nearly gets a boner after trying his first rib under fluorescent lighting. Romantic! They awkwardly ride the bull together and when Nikki’s father asks if she could see him as her husband she responds , “He makes me feel really comfortable. I can’t put my finger on it. It’s just awesome. Like magical I feel really really good about it” Somebody call Vera Wang – this bitch is totally ready to get hitched! Are you fucking kidding me? This sounds like the same response I would give when someone asked me how I feel about my gynecologist or manicurist. Not my potential husband.

Next Juan Pablo heads to Atlanta to meet Andi. If Andi isn’t a total shoe-in for the next Bachelorette I am going to go to ABC headquarters and fuck shit up. I would like to think their date at the shooting range was amazing foreshadowing. It was refreshing to meet a family that wasn’t blindly supportive of this short bus escapee who could end up being their son in law. Andi’s dad grilled Juan Pablo and basically told him as of now he would not grant him permission to ask for Andi’s hand in marriage. Anytime her father would ask a tough question Juan did what he does best and bring up fucking Camila. Stop whoring your fatherhood to avoid intellectual conversation. You are on a reality show shtuping multiple women, not battling on the front lines of Afghanistan. Stop trying to portray yourself as some single parent hero. You fucking retard. Sorry – a little harsh but it felt good to get that off my chest. The only reason Andi’s mom approves is because she clearly would be down to bang him.

Speaking of single parenthood, the next hometown date took JP to Sarasota to meet Renee and her rose-insurance aka her son Ben. Not going to lie, I cried a little when Renee reunited with Ben. Maybe I was just crying because Juan Pablo was still wearing what appeared to be a Livestrong bracelet but I digress. What a sweet little boy, Renee is really genuine with a huge side dish of delusion. They watch him play baseball and it’s super pathetic to watch because anyone with 3 brain cells know she is not making it to the final 3.

Last but not least we head to Sacramento to visit Clare-bear and her DVD. They meet in a rose garden because it is super sentimental to her. She explains that every day she would get home from school, do her homework, then her dad would take her to get ice cream and go to that very park and feed the ducks. Not to sound like a black hearted bitch but I am going to call bullshit on that one. Clearly the only one’s eating ice cream daily are Clare’s sasquatch sisters. And also by the time she got home, did homework and got ice cream it would be dark. And you can’t feed ducks in the fucking dark Clare. DURRR. Clare takes Juan to meet her mother and sisters. Clearly Clare’s mom had hoe’s in different area codes because none of her children look mildly related. There is some BS drama with her sister and we all know it doesn’t matter cause Renee is going home.

If I have to hear “Will you assept dis rose?” one more time I am going to shank myself. Someone get this ding ding a dialect coach.

UGH. My head and fingers hurt, Part Duex will be published tonight…

Monday Night TV Recap

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – There are many reasons why I love Yolanda Foster… Her lust worthy collection of Hermes accessories (bags and belts specifically), her lush lemon grove and most importantly- her calorie monitoring system with her daughter Gigi. I can seriously appreciate this maternal sentiment because I have grown up with quite the opposite approach. My mother force feeds me on the regular, she half- converted to Judaism so she tries to reaffirm her Jewish stature by portraying the classic characteristics and constantly pushing food down my throat. I secretly think she is trying to plump me up so she gets to be the skinniest member of the family..which is kind of genius and something I totally commend #milfproblems. Watching Yolanda allow Gigi a morsel of her graduation cake was really sweet to watch. Remember when she let her have 2 almonds when she was about to pass out about 6 episodes back? So adorable.I really wish I had the willpower for a small stint of anorexia  but this bitch be HUNGRY. Last night begins the official de-throning of Queen Vanderpump and I am still totally freaked out by Kyle’s plagued computer.

VANDERPUMP RULES REUNION – Oy. Vey. Kristen is still fucking crying and losing her shit that Tom and Arianna are holding hands. Um remember you banged your boyfriend’s best friend? She may be the dumbest girl I have ever had the pleasure of not knowing. Stassi’s whole outfit is straight out of the Great Depression and she now thinks she is Carrie fucking Bradshaw because she moved to New York and bought herself a Marc by Marc Jacobs bag. Like get over yourself. Side note: I know Andy Cohen’s a ‘mo… But I’m into him. Speaking of homo’s – I must admit I kind of like Tom. He seems innocent in his stupidity. His eyelids are so glossy and his outfits are just too coincidentally prepared. Jax is the ULTIMATE Los Angeles transplant red flag and Scheana needs to change her name to Keana and join Keeping Up with The Kardashians. I like Ariana but her hollaback girl outfit and weave are giving me serious anxiety. I want to hit Kristen with my car… so badly. Basically they go over the same ol shit and I just want to shank myself.

THE BACHELOR – So the Bachelor clan heads to Miami and JP reunites with his daughter. Not gonna lie Camilla seems chill. She rocks hot pink bows and seems to yolo pretty hard which I respect in a 6 year old. So Sharleen gets first one on one date and Claire puts like 76 pins in her voodoo doll. I kinda love Sharleen for not being enamored with the fact that she’s being ambushed with a date and expresses a lack of “cerebral connection”. Which is a nice way of saying she thinks hes a dumb fuck. She is a very necessary juxtapose to future step- mommy dearest Clare and some of the other weirdos. But let’s be honest… She fucking hates him. Back at the hotel Nikki needs to quit talking shit and focus on bigger issues like finding a hydrating mask for her deep fried entry level nurse budget bleach job #sorryimnotsorry. Back to the one on one date, Sharleen is kind of prissy as fuck but I still like her for keeping shit real and acknowledging the fact that JP is hott but super dumb. She may be the only bitch in a mesh insert body con dress that actually has something intellectual to say. Then she runs home and consults nice girl Renee about her awkward position.

The second one on one date is with Nikki #gag. JP tells her they need to make a floral arrangement for Camilla’s dance recital. Nikki and her roots practically shit her pants. Not gonna lie… Camilla is fucking cute. I live for a childhood dance number (hence:Gettin Jiggy With It) and it actually made me like Juan more by seeing him in his element. Night time falls and Nikki is bustin a J LO worthy deep plunge neckline AND a fringe skirt which is shallowly making me like her more… way to bust it out bitch #hautemessrespect. Very hooker fab. So back at the brothel – I mean hotel, Sharleen decides she is too intellectual for Juan Pabz and decides to sacrifice herself to elimination which is kinda dope. Ironically the way he handled rejection was semi endearing and slightly irritating all at the same time. So home girl goes bye bye and the rest of the harem preps for the group date.

The Bachelor and his bitches head to the beach and dumb fuck Chelsea busts out her letters like Allie from the fucking Notebook cause all men really want to spend a date reading letters your Mommy and Daddy wrote you… not. Chelsea looks like she works at your local Sketchers store in the mall and I mean that as an insult. Andi is my fave but I need her to get her shit together in her Kyle Richards caftan. Your smart and pretty- grow some balls and remember he is lucky to even have you their #girlpower. He gives Andi the rose and Clare nearly shits her pants. So over Clare and her Charlotte Russe wardrobe and drama. Andi and JP dance like they are suffering from cerebral palsy and she majestically is still clutching her rose from earlier in the day. Clare starts plotting her plan to boil Camilla’s bunny and then her and Nikki basically come to terms with fact that they hate each other because they are the same person. Did anyone notice the irony of them both in tie dye sun dresses… 1998 called and they want their look back. Ugh. This shit makes me embarrassed to be a member of the same gender.  Chelsea and her letter’s go home and next week Juan meets the ladies fam bam!

Haute Mess Lesson: Never trust a girl in a Herve Leger knock off dress…

MONDAY TV RECAP

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS

To emulate Brandi with her swollen tongue “I am tho bored with thith thow.” The tides are finally starting to turn on Lady Vanderpump. Joyce claiming she doesn’t workout is HILARIOUS and then she pretends she is going to go eat a cake after working with her trainer… yeah OKAY. That bitch hasn’t had a calorie in 16 years. Carlton’s husband looks like he sells watches from the lining of his suit jacket and used automobile parts. And Carlton… the definition of anti-semitic is “prejudice, hatred of, or discrimination against Jews for reasons connected to their Jewish heritage”. So although I don’t think you are antisemitic, your whole teary trip down memory lane about you being a white person during an apartheid in South Africa has nothing to do with Jews. But then she clarifies that many of their clients are Jews, and a remark like that could destroy their business. Shut the fuck up Carlton. Brandi confides in Kyle that she feels manipulated by Lisa. Well…duh. Lisa gets glammed up for a magazine shoot and all I took away from this episode is that I am really glad I am not Lisa Vanderpumps housekeeper. Poor Rocia…

VANDERPUMP RULES REUNION

First things first. What the fuck are these bitches wearing? Stassi looks like she is ready to board the titanic (with jewelry from fucking Brighton), Scheana looks like Kim Kardashian circa 2007, I will personally PAY Kristen for a hair thickening treatment (or just to flee the country) and Ariana looks like an ex Destiny’s Child member. I can’t be mad at Katie because I am just so happy she saved me from having to look at her peach colored hair for one more second – you go girl.I don’t feel like going into too much detail since its a reunion but here are a few thoughts. Ladies and gentlemen, Vanderpump Rules is not just a mindless reality television show. This is the cautionary tale of our generation. These people are the poster children for delusional sense of self, mixed with failed dreams and broken moral compasses.

THE BACHELOR

So Juan Pabz and his harem are now in New Zealand. His first one on one date is with Andi (my fave) who rocks the first one piece in Bachelor history. Juan clearly loves a rape cave ( as we have seen in previous episodes) and I am still trying to understand how all these woman think it’s so fucking “romantic” that Juan helps them overcome their fears by helping them over rocks and shit. Like maybe I am old fashioned but whatever happened to dinner and a movie? Or just you know going on a date that doesn’t test your fears and being put in a dangerous situation? Call me crazy. So after shimmying through the narrow wave calls they finally reach their first destination… which was what exactly? Just a swamp of warm water? WOW! We have these things in America Juan, called a JACUZZI or maybe even a BATHTUB that submerge you in warm water without risking a sequel to 127 hours. Den Juan has planned de deener date by de geyzurr (Translation: Juan has planned the dinner date by a geyser) If there are 2 things I know in this world is that geysers are a Jewish girl’s worst nightmare – moisture is the enemy and I’d be pissed if I wasted a blowdry. And secondly, I don’t do men in an infinity scarf… Sorry Juan #redflag. They relocate from the gushing geyser, make out and JP gives Andi the rose (and a gift certificate to a blowdry bar). The next date card arrives and Clare is flicking the lights on and off a la Fatal Attraction awaiting to hear if she gets the next one on one date.tumblr_m8chnjdJHB1rd22bco1_500

Then she gets the good news and I gagged. Girl – go home.

On the group date I refilled my wine because I was getting irritated by all the nature and stupidity. Teen Mom Cassandra was celebrating her 15th birthday and was hoping to get a special birthday rose… sorry boo. They all lose their shit over rolling down a fucking hill in a big plastic ball. “I JUST ROLLED DOWN A HILL WITH JUAN PABLO. IT WAS AMAZING” – Cat – are you fucking kidding me? “IT WAS THE MOST AMAZING THING I HAVE EVER DONE” – Chelsea. If the highlight of your life thus far has been being trapped in a glorified cat toy you need to re-evaluate your life decisions. THEN THEY GO TO HOBBIT VILLE!!!! IT JUST GETS BETTER AND BETTER! WHATS NEXT? CHOCOLATE FROSTY”S AT WENDYS, METTING THE REAL CHUCKIE AT CHUCK E CHEESE? wooooooooohooooooo!

For the one on one date Juan Pabz and Cray Clare work out their “ocean make out” which we all know was salt water penetration (still desperately hoping she got a yeast infection from that) and the love birds rejoiced… in sweatpants #ew.

Kitty Cat goes home much to her surprise. Babycakes, your buzz kill tale of your daddy issues is not the way to lure a new suitor. Intimacy issues? Fear of rejection? Daddy drama? SEXY.

Monday Night TV Recap

Oy vey, Monday Nights are always so emotionally taxing on me. Last night’s line up of television was an emotional roller coaster that thus far in my life could only rival the day I got my period at school and then resorted to wearing my PE shorts for the rest of the day with my ill-inserted tampon dangling from the wrong orifice. First I was happy and excited, then I was scared and confused, then I wanted to cry, then I wanted to put my head in an oven. Between The Bachelor, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules sometimes I feel like I need to head to Promises to rehabilitate. So obviously it is my favorite night of television. Let’s do a brief play by play…

 THE BACHELOR

Juan Pabs and his brothel of woman head to Vietnam. His first date is with fellow single mother Renee. She seems sweet and genuine but let’s get real… if JP was looking for a single mother his age he could’ve stayed in Miami and joined eharmony.com. They go on a boring ass date shopping for gifts for their children aka baggage, and he explains he doesn’t want to disrespect Ben (her son) or Camilla by kissing her. She takes this as him being respectful and I almost gagged. How delusional…

After dosing off during Renee and JP’s solo date, I was awoken to the face eating marathon that was the group date. Well that no kissing thing didn’t really last long. I am so over Juan Pablo trying to pretend he isn’t a total latin horn dog. Like shut the fuck up with your broken “rules” and let’s get slutty. That’s what the viewers are looking for and after all that virginal Sean and Catherine shit it’s time for some explicit behavior. Do it for America. So basically the date turns into Clare and Juan’s one on one date while the other girls just tag along for free drinks and insecurity boost. May I just say… Clare is a nightmare. She is like that dumb bitch in your high school English class who would raise their hand and remind the teacher they forgot to collect the homework. Whenever she starts talking I get this overwhelming fantasy of punching her in the veneers. She is SO annoying, almost as annoying as her thinking she is cool enough to drop the I out of fucking “Claire” and go by “Clare” – get it together. After their date comes to an end, Clare the Cling-on decides to let herself open up to Juan Pablo (emotionally and I am assuming vaginally). She decides to live out her lifelong dream of swimming in a warm ocean and wants Juan Pablo to join. Woah girl DREAM BIG. Swimming in a warm ocean? Fuck your wild. It’s weird because a dream of mine is also for Clare to swim in a warm ocean… with cinderblocks attached to her ankles. Now call me crazy but I am not buying that their PG ocean make out session is the reason JP thinks she went to far. I am going to make a confident assumption that something may have slipped somewhere it shouldn’t in the dark Vietnamese waters. I hope she love-drunkedly slept in her wet bikini and got a yeast infection. She deserves one.

“There’s this thing that I have with Clare that I don’t have with anyone else in the house.” Yeah Juan, it’s called penetration. Duh.

For his second one on one date, Juan Pablo take Nikki (who looks like she is 14 headed to her first Coachella) propelling down what I assume is a Vietnamese rape cave. These bitches are so stupid. They think going against their will and doing things that literally brings them to TEARS is going to make their bond stronger with Juan Pablo. Ughhhh – shoot me. SO they propel down this dark ominous hole which reminds Juan of Clare’s vagina and then they go to dinner. Cool. Nikki goes on and on about being a nurse and helping the children and opening her heart and at this point I’m so over hearing about the children I just go refill my drink. I am over her and her bad bleach job.

At the rose ceremony, JP tells Clare they went too far and she pulls a total Glenn Close a la Fatal Attraction and all I can envision is her boiling Camilla’s pet Bunny.

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS

All I care to say about this episode is that Carlton is an aggressive C-U-Next –Tuesday and needs a deep conditioning treatment. Side note: her husband looks like a retired Vegas magician. I also laughed my ass off watching the parallel of Yolanda and her daughter packing for college in their Hermes belts and Kim and her daughter getting fucking butterfly tattoos in the valley and trying to pretend it’s meaningful. There is nothing I hate more in this world than butterfly and dolphin tattoos. Bakersfield called, they want their tattoos back. But seriously, Carlton… you are such an asshole. Hex me bitch.

 VANDERPUMP RULES

I won’t lie – when Stassi slapped Kristen last week I was pretty happy inside. Stassi is a total bitch but definitely the most articulate and entertaining. Her yellow hair in her interviews really distracts me from a lot of the things she says but the slap was hard to miss… especially since I have re-watched it 17 times.

I am going to only focus on the things that matter to me from last night’s episode. The photo shoot… what the fuck? Aren’t there some type of health regulations with nudity and restaurant servers (who def are harboring some STD’s )? I don’t get it… I love how they think their jobs are so glamorous… like you may get to do fancy photo shoot once a year but you are still polishing silverware and serving me mediocre tuna tartare the other 364. Then Scheana Marie has her engagement party/private performance of her new hit single “Good as Gold”  which I emotionally can’t even comment on. Then Kristen struts in, much to everyone’s surprise, dressed like a 56 year old woman. Nice try with the pearl earrings Krissy – you’re still a dirty whore. When she admitted to sleeping with Jax my jaw fell to the floor. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? I had to restrain myself from jumping into my car driving to Sur and asking anyone there about 3,000,000 questions. Tom beats the shit out of Jax. Scheana plays the victim and cries in Lisa’s arms and Stassi looks fierce in her navy high slit gown as I cried with happiness at the reality television magic I was witnessing. That is how you do a Season Finale…. And I am spent.

MONDAY TV RECAP

Mondays for me are beyond stressful. I lose 3-5 pounds weekly on this special night because of my extreme anxiety from watching 5 hours of television and riding the emotional rollercoaster of the various plotlines. Last night was especially a doozy since the Grammy’s fucked with my Real Housewives of Atlanta viewing so I watched that clusterfuck last night and almost went into cardiac arrest… but actually.

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLSI need these bitches to step their game up quick. Carlton literally scares the fuck out of me. Her pool party felt like a grand opening of an STD clinic. She just tries way too hard to be edgy and it’s all becoming a bit tired. Please don’t hex me… Also WTF WAS BRANDI WEARING? The hat was very Britney circa 1998, and thewhite vest jean short combo offended me. Bad combo . Then there is KIM AND HER INFAMOUS “FANS” – ugh I lovewhen she reminisces on her big acting career like she is Meryl fucking Streep.  I’ll be honest sometimes I miss Kim the alcoholic (is that so wrong?)… but then she publicly declares her love for turtles and I’m ready to be her sponsor again.  Kyle and her fucking maxi dresses, I generally think Kyle is the most “normal” and not malicious. Jacqueline needs a new stylist and a sandwich ay dios mio! Yo invites the girls over to make some paintings to send with Gigi to college – cause I am sure that is exactly what she wants. Amidst her lemon grove the women paint and batshit cray Carlton dreams that Kyle was talking shit about her and their fresh start is now over. Hey Carlton, I had a dream that Leo Dicaprio and I were married and had a pet whale in our pool – doesn’t mean I am changing my last name to Dicaprio and buying stock in Seaworld #blackfish. Get a repairative hair mask and stop being such a witch.

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THE BACHELORWell ladies, it’s time to pack your bags for the first (and ultimately last post-Bachelor) international trip. France? Nope. Italy? Neg. Greece? No. FUCKING KOREA. Not to sound like an asshole but I would be super pissed. They all start jumping on the sofa screaming like they all found out there is a 50% off sale at Bebe which is undoubtedly all their favorite store (yes, that is meant to be an insult).

For the first group date Juan Pabz and his gaggle head to a dance studio to prepare for their big performance with some Korean girl group. Nikki is butt hurt cause she hates to dance and I just want to punch her  in the face. Kat clearly stashed some of the molly she took on the Electric Run date and thinks she is a professional dancer… Kitty Kat- STOP. Who else wishes “free spirit” Lucy was still around to take her clothes off in front of that mall full of Asians?

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For the one on one date, JP picks Sharleen. Could she be less interested in him? I’m bored … moving on.

For the second group date JP takes the girls to some weird karaoke hostel and then some tea garden? I don’t know, every place they went looked like a fucking tea garden to me. Juan decides after he has already sucked face with 6 girls he wants to be a role model for Camilla (why would she be watching the show? She is 4) and not kiss any of the girls. Andi (with an I not a y – I’m a hypocrite) is my favorite and I was so pissed he didn’t kiss her and got wrapped up in Clare without an I and her stupid DVD.

Nikki and Clare – I hate them both for so many of the same reasons. A) They both intentionally spelled their names incorrectly in the desperate attempt to be unique. Nicky with two k’s and an I, Claire sans the i… how ADORABLE. B) They both suck. C) Nikki is a next level Debbie downer and Clare and her DVD are just too dramatic for me. Clare, your seduction styling’s truly are impressive. Who would’ve thought telling a guy that you puked and swallowed it back down would get JP to break his no kissing rule. RoMaNtiC!

VANDERPUMP RULES HOLY SHIT BALLS. Kristen is literally the poster woman for Lexapro. I mean that lovingly… but I would honestly rather be trapped in a Home Depot with Casey Anthony then at a mimosa brunch with Kristen. Not that Stassi is such a walk in the park but it felt kinda good when she slapped K. Jax is a fucktard but I think I might believe him. I just can’t take any of them seriously… they all have an ego like Madonna and pay their rent by serving mediocre tuna tartare and polishing silverware like the help. Next week is the finale and I have already looked into cautionary medical assistance in case I lose control of my adrenaline levels and pass out.

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Side note : If anyone else tweets / messages me that I look like Stassi I am going to shank myself. That is a threat.

The Bachelor Recap

OY VEY. What an emotional roller coaster. First Clare (I am convinced she dropped the i in “Claire” as part of her Bachelor stage name) and her DVD get the first one on one date. Too soon on the DVD joke? I seriously hope she made copies of that. What if it is just like an old Law & Order episode or something? Guess we will never know. I like Clare (and her DVD) although I feel some foreshadowing that she could end up being a real stage 7 clinger. She has nice hair and her veneers look surprisingly understated.  So Juan blind folds Clare-Bear (kinky) and whisks her away in his clearly temporary Maserati and takes her to their own winter wonderland in Malibu. In my fantasy spin off Bachelor show they would hire past cast offs to do the manual labor setting up all these over the top dates. Like could you just imagine Tierra from Sean’s season shoveling the fucking snow and Emily Maynard stringing the Christmas lights ugh, HEAVEN. They lace up their skates and hit the ice and let me tell you, nothing bonds a hetero couple like ice skating. Clare… what natural talent. Watch out, Kristi Yamaguchi you have some serious competition. The good news for Clare is that if this whole televised quest for love thing doesn’t work out she could be a total front runner for the Special Olympics ice skating competition. After Clare showcases her athleticism they decide to get in the hot tub and Clare proceeds to tell Juan Pablo how she lost her father and basically no man will ever live up to him and it clearly puts Juan in the mood because they start to eat each others faces. Calm your lady boner’s girl it gets better. THEN, they take it from the hot tub to the ice for a private performance by Josh Krajcik AND THEN IT FUCKING SNOWS. Of course it does.

The next one on one date is with Kat. And by date I mean my version of hell. Kat seems cute and sweet with a serious side of delusion. When she was talking about how she could see her life with him jetting off on private planes for spontaneous adventures I almost choked on my falafel balls. Sweetie, I don’t want to be the bear of bad news but if you end up being Mrs.Pablo nothing about you will be gallivanting around the world on a private jet. In fact you will be lucky if you get your own private car to an airport… it’s called a shuttle bus kitty Kat and it’s god awful. What does he do again? You know for like…work? Unfortunately being a single father doesn’t pay the bills or buy the pills. Let’s keep it real. So after the surrealness seeps in for Kitty Kat that she is on a real life private jet, Juan heads to the cock pit to put on his light up track suit and assumedly take a quick hit of acid to prep for his rave work out date. Juan gives Kitty some super chic neon workout clothes and she is PUMPED. She sees a cluster fuck of lights and runners outside the jet window and Juan tells her they are in Salt Lake City for the Electric Run. Oh hellllll no. Now this Latino has gone too far. Neon Spandex? Fine. MAKING ME EXCERSISE ON A FIRST DATE? Pretty terrible but it’s for charity so I can’t be a C-U-Next-Tuesday and say I wouldn’t do it (although I’d rather just make a donation). But chartering a jet and taking me to Mormon Mecca aka Salt Lake City? Deal breaker. No cussing, no alcohol, no caffeine = No Jackie. Lo siento Juan. Apparently, Kitty Kat is totally cool with it and is running and dancing around like fucking Sporty Spice. They awkwardly dance and grind and run with all those blinking sweaty people and it all just makes me uncomfortable. But I mean… good for them. Do you girl.

Now we get to the oh so exciting group date. I am not trying to pull a Dr.Phil over here but there has to be some deep rooted issues coming to fruition here. Why the fuck does Juan Pablo think it’s a good idea to have his harem of women dress up as dogs? Did I miss something here? And who assigned the costumes here? Why is Kelly dressed as a human stool with white spots? Or is she doing black face since ABC clearly didn’t recruit an ethnically diverse group of women AGAIN. WTF ? Crazy ass Lucy volunteers to be naked and Andi (personal favorite) is utterly confused by the purpose of this shoot. Juan gladly strips down and they awkwardly sexualize these poor dogs and censor Juan’s sphincter.

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It’s called mystery people. I was so bored with this part of the show I refilled my Vueve and took my non sexualized dog for a quick poop run. When I came back the crew had relocated to a rooftop pool area and Victoria was awkwardly air humping in the Jacuzzi. Now this is my kind of television.

Who else loves Victoria? Spin-off! Spin-off! What a fucking train wreck. My favorite line was when she repeatedly told the girls she gave Juan Pablo the “hymen maneuver” during the photo-shoot. Pardon? I am not certain I am acquainted with the first aid practice of the hymen maneuver but am incredibly curious. And that mom Renee is killing it right now. Shimmying under the stall door to get a front row to the crazy show, she tries to console psycho Victoria. She gets to be maternal and caring in front of America (I mean she clearly knows V is going home) and in juxtapose looks like she REALLY has her shit together. Kelly gets the group date rose for being shellacked in brown paint and Victoria has a full on Glen Close breakdown in the bathroom a la Fatal Attraction and I LOVED IT. “Juan Pablo, I hope you die!” Ugh, I can already smell the pending restraining order.

Amy, Chantel and MVP Victoria all went home and I sauntered off to bed feeling emotionally satisfied and excited for next week’s episode. Hope you enjoyed this recap and sorry if I spoiled the episode for you slash I am not sorry because who doesn’t watch The Bachelor same day of air? It’s called priorities people.