I can’t with this…

No words.

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Dear DJ James Kennedy

Dear James,

There are a myriad of reasons I dream about hitting you in my luxury European vehicle that I don’t take selfies with because #decency. Firstly, I truly envy your ballerina body. I have always dreamed of having the same body type as Maureen from Center Stage minus the whole bulimia factor. Cooper Nielson would totally fuck you and give you the Swan Lake solo so congrats on that.

The way you talk to not just women but human beings in general is appalling. I don’t know how to politely tell you this but I’ll give it a go … you are a mediocre looking busboy with an entry level BMW and a laptop with some fucking stickers on it. You have no physical, mental, emotional or social qualifications to behave the way you do. Nobody does, but especially not you. Who spits on somebody’s door and then justifies it by saying “it wasn’t even a loogey”. I am so embarrassed for you.

You say you were born into the music industry, not sure if anyone told you this but having George Michael as an estranged godfather and rubbing peanut butter on the backs of your arms so your bff aka George’s dog can lick/bite it off and give you an erection does not make you some musical prodigy. I am fairly positive you will not be in consideration for a Grammy with this shit.

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Payne? Cuzzi in the SWEET (*suite)? Dumb or dyslexic? You decide.

Watching you on Watch What Happens Live officially sent me over the fucking edge. I can handle your butt chin, your size 23 waist, your delusional ego and even your Jimmy Nuetron hairdo but NO ASSHOLE FUCKS WITH MY DAILY NIGHTCAP ENTERTAINMENT. You and Lala are like a cautionary tale for our generation. I burned 3,000 calories just from pure rage watching that nightmare.

I am hopeful this letter finds you well. I can imagine my thoughts will inspire some new smash hit “fuCk dA hAteRz feat LaLa KenT” and you will headline Coachella this year if someone can cover your shift at Sur. The invitation to appear on The Bitch Bible podcast is on the table if you would like to settle our beef before the New Year. I will bite the shit out of your arm. Ain’t nobody that I’m feeling like I’m feeling you.

Love you forever. Never change.

Best,

Jackie Schimmel

Vanderpump Rules Recap

Without sounding overly dramatic, Vanderpump Rules is kinda the only reason I wake up every morning. It gives me faith, it gives me hope, and it gives me self-esteem. I would give all internal organs to attend every single fucking staff meeting. Obviously I would never wear that heinous shirtdress required because it looks like a sad wet seal clearance shmata BUT I would be happy to sit in a dark corner sipping LVP Sangria and observing all the shenanigans. There are reality stars, there are actual celebrities and then there is the cast of Pump Rules. As I am currently living in London, I had to wait an entire day before I had access to the premiere episode. I don’t want to seem too egotistical, but I have never loved or respected myself more for executing such patience and self-control during those wretched 24 hours. Andy Cohen you owe me $2.99.

Naturally the season starts off in a staff meeting (#dreams). I love that the girls have invested their tip money/minimum wage pay and gotten extensions. Right out of the gate we learn that James is making his mark in the music business. I love that he thinks he is fucking Steve Aoki because he has a “residency” at fucking Pump. He is amazing and I would probably date him if I were single if he upped his 3 series BMW to a 7 series and like got me screeners for the show…

I will say Scheana has finally found her look. The make-up has gone from bad YouTube tutorial to a more natural and fresh look and I am proud of her. Katie’s bull nose ring is giving me anxiety. Jax looks like he joined a Fight Club fan group at a community college. How old is he? And who the fuck is his plastic surgeon? Helen Keller? As a Jew with extensive rhinoplasty knowledge I have never heard of using skin from your ear to patch into your nose.

Next we see James lingering in the infamous back alley at Sur where the cast rolls up in their budget sedans and smoke their cigarettes. James and Kristen have a heated exchange about Carmen or Jax or Tom or fuck I don’t even know. I was more focused on the discreet sneaky cinematography. Can somebody say Golden Globe nomination?

Finally, Kristen rolls up. She has been focusing on her t-shirt line and not acting like a psycho. Samesies. She is really screwing up James Guetta’s DJ vibes, which is fucked cause he has like 50 people who pre-booked on Open Table to impress.

James says he would rather lose his relationship with Kristen than hurt his dj “career”. Then he imparts us with this morsel of wisdom “Girls come and go… Dreams are with you forever”. These are moments that give me more joy than the cry of a newborn or the news of a tax return being deposited into my overdrawn checking account #hustle.

In the next scene we are once again welcomed into Jax’s humble 250 square foot studio and greeted by his censored penis. He then gives him mom his 12 second MTV cribs tour. “Here’s my closet. Here’s my microwave. Here’s my twin bed. Here’s my futon I bought on Craigslist.” God I love this show.

Just a day at the salon with the 2 Toms… cute? Tom (not a Jew) Schwartz decides to get a fucking perm. Mid curl, he decides he is ready to propose to Katie. Nothing sparks a desire for marital bliss like a day at the salon with the boyz.

Scheana is turning 30 so the gang is dressed in garb spanning a decade. Kristen shows up uninvited with nipples and labia in tow. I just want everyone to know that Scheana’s party is in the same venue as Kendall Jenners Sweet 16. You are welcome for that information.

Ariana and her bob have a come to Jesus moment when she doubts the authenticity of her and Scheana’s friendship. It’s really hard to take anybody seriously because of the plethora of synthetic mushroom cuts. James looks like name is Peggy and he buys all his produce at a Wal-Mart circa 1973. Then he starts chugging fireball. I guess that’s what rock stars do… Oh wait.

And so it begins.

VIVA LA VANDERPUMP

There are three things in this big beautiful world I love unconditionally; triple crème brie cheese, my dog (son) Leo and Vanderpump Rules. If you are reading this and don’t know what my third treasure of the heart is, just fucking leave this blog and never come back. I am sure all you “intellects” (my target audience) are rolling your eyes GUFFAWING at me, a seemingly uneducated blonde proclaiming my unwithering and at times challenging love for reality television. Sure the housewives are like family at this point, Patti Stanger similar to a loud cousin I try to sit away from at Yom Kippur, but these kids at Sur have captivated me in a way I am afraid I can’t put into words.

If you ever want to see me come ALIVE in a social setting just ask me about “Style by Stassi” aka the home of sub par statement necklaces and unfortunate layering #goatcheeseballs. Between bringing her own wine to dry restaurants, visits to her mom’s tri-level cabin in Big Bear with uneven drywall or just cruising down Melrose in her Toyota convertible, Princess Stassi never lets me down. True story: my housekeeper Jazmine was over yesterday, she only comes like once every 4 years but I am kind of obsessed with her in an unnatural way. I give her all my old clothes and she feels obligated to wear them when she comes over and it’s both highly unpractical and adorable… Something about sequins and Clorox warms my heart. As I was 3 hours deep into a Vanderpump Rules marathon, Jazmine politely asked “What crazy show are you watching chica?” Has she been living under a tortilla for the past 3 years. “Jazmine… you have never seen Vanderpump Rules? It’s always on Bravo!” Long pause. “What’s Bravo?” I fired her immediately. Not actually but our relationship will never be the same again.

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I watch every episode about 34 times. I may not know what the Civil war was about (although I am glad to hear it was civil #recycledjoke), thought Benghazi was a new kabob place in Glendale and am only 64% certain on my lefts and rights … I can tell you anything and everything about those puffy-painted wine glass swigging millennial DISASTERS working at fucking Sur. I figured what better way to bond us bitches than with a really lame yet gratifying quiz to see how well YOU know the rules a la Vanderpump.

CLICK THIS QUIZ THAT TOOK ME 3 HOURS TO MAKE (AND CAN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DIRECTLY LINK/ AM TOO EMBARRASSED TO ASK ANYONE FOR HELP) IF THE QUIZ DOESN’T WORK HERE CLICK THIS #desperate : http://imahautemess.polldaddy.com/s/vanderpumprules AND SHARE WITH YOUR FELLOW VANDERBITCHES.

And always remember… people may try and bring you down for being obsessed with Vanderpump Rules, but you are good as gold.

Vanderpump Rules Rundown

If you don’t follow my neurotic ass on twitter… you are really missing out. Some of you may notice that I have opted out of the standard post-reality show recaps I once relied on to fill this blog. This is because I have taken to the twitter-verse for a dirty martini fueled impulsive play by play. In honor of the disastrous masterpiece that IS Vanderpump Rules, I have decided to compile my tweet thoughts from the live premiere to give you all an insider look whilst watching this shitshow of 30-something failed model slash actors living in apartments with cottage cheese ceilings and drinking out of puffy painted wine glasses like community college sorority girls.

The episode starts and immediately we check back in with one protein powder snorting, chunky sweater wearing wannabe “sex addict” Jax Taylor. He is still living in his super chic Hollywood studio so he can bang, make mac and cheese AND shit in the same radius of 500 square feet #pantydropper. Side note: as a Jew from the San Fernando Valley, I ain’t buying the ol “deviated septum” nosejob excuse.

Then we check in with my personal fave (not) Kristen. Her ex boyfriend Tom has evicted her and subsequently dropped her from his Verizon Wireless family plan and now she is banging a 22 year old busboy. Adorable. The good news for her is that if this whole server career doesn’t play out she is a SHOE-IN for the perfect Lexapro spokeperson. Get it gurl.

Scheana has gone for the low budge Kardashian ombre and has ruined “Almost Famous” by tattooing a Penny Lane quote on her forearm “it’s all happening”. The only thing happening for me at this point is a libation refill and a note to self to burn any gold polyester I have convinced myself looks “chic”. #GoodAsGold

Oh yay! It’s Katie! The good news is that Katie is no longer is a fire crotch – the bad news is that she now has the hairdo of a Midwest soccer mom who is trying to revive her marriage with a box of Franzia and a weekly date night at the bowling alley. HONEY – please get it together. Kisses.

The bitch is back. Nothing warms the heart like Princess Stassi riding dirty in her fucking Toyota convertible in a Claire’s “Couture” statement necklace. If life is treating her so well why is she squatting in Katie and Tom Schwarts fluorescent lighting apartment? And if her family is so wealthy why the fuck does her mother live in Lake Arrowhead? I am over this Princess Stassi charade. Is Pump hiring any new hostesses?

Krazy Kristen has done some casual cyber stalking and has “evidence” Tom is cheating on Ariana. She brings this news to pop icon Sheana Marie and naturally she starts crying. She decides it is an AMAZING time to discuss the situation at her own birthday party and holds the tears back to avoid an eyelash malfunction. The only thing I was able to take away from this party is how happy I was that Scheana wasn’t wearing another fucking tutu #growth. Also Kristens new twink boyfriend needs to stop pretending he is fuckin Afrojack. Super tight stickers on your 2009 Macbook DJ no one gives a fuck – you are a busboy shut up. Until next week bitches…

Monday Night TV Recap

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS – There are many reasons why I love Yolanda Foster… Her lust worthy collection of Hermes accessories (bags and belts specifically), her lush lemon grove and most importantly- her calorie monitoring system with her daughter Gigi. I can seriously appreciate this maternal sentiment because I have grown up with quite the opposite approach. My mother force feeds me on the regular, she half- converted to Judaism so she tries to reaffirm her Jewish stature by portraying the classic characteristics and constantly pushing food down my throat. I secretly think she is trying to plump me up so she gets to be the skinniest member of the family..which is kind of genius and something I totally commend #milfproblems. Watching Yolanda allow Gigi a morsel of her graduation cake was really sweet to watch. Remember when she let her have 2 almonds when she was about to pass out about 6 episodes back? So adorable.I really wish I had the willpower for a small stint of anorexia  but this bitch be HUNGRY. Last night begins the official de-throning of Queen Vanderpump and I am still totally freaked out by Kyle’s plagued computer.

VANDERPUMP RULES REUNION – Oy. Vey. Kristen is still fucking crying and losing her shit that Tom and Arianna are holding hands. Um remember you banged your boyfriend’s best friend? She may be the dumbest girl I have ever had the pleasure of not knowing. Stassi’s whole outfit is straight out of the Great Depression and she now thinks she is Carrie fucking Bradshaw because she moved to New York and bought herself a Marc by Marc Jacobs bag. Like get over yourself. Side note: I know Andy Cohen’s a ‘mo… But I’m into him. Speaking of homo’s – I must admit I kind of like Tom. He seems innocent in his stupidity. His eyelids are so glossy and his outfits are just too coincidentally prepared. Jax is the ULTIMATE Los Angeles transplant red flag and Scheana needs to change her name to Keana and join Keeping Up with The Kardashians. I like Ariana but her hollaback girl outfit and weave are giving me serious anxiety. I want to hit Kristen with my car… so badly. Basically they go over the same ol shit and I just want to shank myself.

THE BACHELOR – So the Bachelor clan heads to Miami and JP reunites with his daughter. Not gonna lie Camilla seems chill. She rocks hot pink bows and seems to yolo pretty hard which I respect in a 6 year old. So Sharleen gets first one on one date and Claire puts like 76 pins in her voodoo doll. I kinda love Sharleen for not being enamored with the fact that she’s being ambushed with a date and expresses a lack of “cerebral connection”. Which is a nice way of saying she thinks hes a dumb fuck. She is a very necessary juxtapose to future step- mommy dearest Clare and some of the other weirdos. But let’s be honest… She fucking hates him. Back at the hotel Nikki needs to quit talking shit and focus on bigger issues like finding a hydrating mask for her deep fried entry level nurse budget bleach job #sorryimnotsorry. Back to the one on one date, Sharleen is kind of prissy as fuck but I still like her for keeping shit real and acknowledging the fact that JP is hott but super dumb. She may be the only bitch in a mesh insert body con dress that actually has something intellectual to say. Then she runs home and consults nice girl Renee about her awkward position.

The second one on one date is with Nikki #gag. JP tells her they need to make a floral arrangement for Camilla’s dance recital. Nikki and her roots practically shit her pants. Not gonna lie… Camilla is fucking cute. I live for a childhood dance number (hence:Gettin Jiggy With It) and it actually made me like Juan more by seeing him in his element. Night time falls and Nikki is bustin a J LO worthy deep plunge neckline AND a fringe skirt which is shallowly making me like her more… way to bust it out bitch #hautemessrespect. Very hooker fab. So back at the brothel – I mean hotel, Sharleen decides she is too intellectual for Juan Pabz and decides to sacrifice herself to elimination which is kinda dope. Ironically the way he handled rejection was semi endearing and slightly irritating all at the same time. So home girl goes bye bye and the rest of the harem preps for the group date.

The Bachelor and his bitches head to the beach and dumb fuck Chelsea busts out her letters like Allie from the fucking Notebook cause all men really want to spend a date reading letters your Mommy and Daddy wrote you… not. Chelsea looks like she works at your local Sketchers store in the mall and I mean that as an insult. Andi is my fave but I need her to get her shit together in her Kyle Richards caftan. Your smart and pretty- grow some balls and remember he is lucky to even have you their #girlpower. He gives Andi the rose and Clare nearly shits her pants. So over Clare and her Charlotte Russe wardrobe and drama. Andi and JP dance like they are suffering from cerebral palsy and she majestically is still clutching her rose from earlier in the day. Clare starts plotting her plan to boil Camilla’s bunny and then her and Nikki basically come to terms with fact that they hate each other because they are the same person. Did anyone notice the irony of them both in tie dye sun dresses… 1998 called and they want their look back. Ugh. This shit makes me embarrassed to be a member of the same gender.  Chelsea and her letter’s go home and next week Juan meets the ladies fam bam!

Haute Mess Lesson: Never trust a girl in a Herve Leger knock off dress…

Monday Night TV Recap

Oy vey, Monday Nights are always so emotionally taxing on me. Last night’s line up of television was an emotional roller coaster that thus far in my life could only rival the day I got my period at school and then resorted to wearing my PE shorts for the rest of the day with my ill-inserted tampon dangling from the wrong orifice. First I was happy and excited, then I was scared and confused, then I wanted to cry, then I wanted to put my head in an oven. Between The Bachelor, Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules sometimes I feel like I need to head to Promises to rehabilitate. So obviously it is my favorite night of television. Let’s do a brief play by play…

 THE BACHELOR

Juan Pabs and his brothel of woman head to Vietnam. His first date is with fellow single mother Renee. She seems sweet and genuine but let’s get real… if JP was looking for a single mother his age he could’ve stayed in Miami and joined eharmony.com. They go on a boring ass date shopping for gifts for their children aka baggage, and he explains he doesn’t want to disrespect Ben (her son) or Camilla by kissing her. She takes this as him being respectful and I almost gagged. How delusional…

After dosing off during Renee and JP’s solo date, I was awoken to the face eating marathon that was the group date. Well that no kissing thing didn’t really last long. I am so over Juan Pablo trying to pretend he isn’t a total latin horn dog. Like shut the fuck up with your broken “rules” and let’s get slutty. That’s what the viewers are looking for and after all that virginal Sean and Catherine shit it’s time for some explicit behavior. Do it for America. So basically the date turns into Clare and Juan’s one on one date while the other girls just tag along for free drinks and insecurity boost. May I just say… Clare is a nightmare. She is like that dumb bitch in your high school English class who would raise their hand and remind the teacher they forgot to collect the homework. Whenever she starts talking I get this overwhelming fantasy of punching her in the veneers. She is SO annoying, almost as annoying as her thinking she is cool enough to drop the I out of fucking “Claire” and go by “Clare” – get it together. After their date comes to an end, Clare the Cling-on decides to let herself open up to Juan Pablo (emotionally and I am assuming vaginally). She decides to live out her lifelong dream of swimming in a warm ocean and wants Juan Pablo to join. Woah girl DREAM BIG. Swimming in a warm ocean? Fuck your wild. It’s weird because a dream of mine is also for Clare to swim in a warm ocean… with cinderblocks attached to her ankles. Now call me crazy but I am not buying that their PG ocean make out session is the reason JP thinks she went to far. I am going to make a confident assumption that something may have slipped somewhere it shouldn’t in the dark Vietnamese waters. I hope she love-drunkedly slept in her wet bikini and got a yeast infection. She deserves one.

“There’s this thing that I have with Clare that I don’t have with anyone else in the house.” Yeah Juan, it’s called penetration. Duh.

For his second one on one date, Juan Pablo take Nikki (who looks like she is 14 headed to her first Coachella) propelling down what I assume is a Vietnamese rape cave. These bitches are so stupid. They think going against their will and doing things that literally brings them to TEARS is going to make their bond stronger with Juan Pablo. Ughhhh – shoot me. SO they propel down this dark ominous hole which reminds Juan of Clare’s vagina and then they go to dinner. Cool. Nikki goes on and on about being a nurse and helping the children and opening her heart and at this point I’m so over hearing about the children I just go refill my drink. I am over her and her bad bleach job.

At the rose ceremony, JP tells Clare they went too far and she pulls a total Glenn Close a la Fatal Attraction and all I can envision is her boiling Camilla’s pet Bunny.

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLS

All I care to say about this episode is that Carlton is an aggressive C-U-Next –Tuesday and needs a deep conditioning treatment. Side note: her husband looks like a retired Vegas magician. I also laughed my ass off watching the parallel of Yolanda and her daughter packing for college in their Hermes belts and Kim and her daughter getting fucking butterfly tattoos in the valley and trying to pretend it’s meaningful. There is nothing I hate more in this world than butterfly and dolphin tattoos. Bakersfield called, they want their tattoos back. But seriously, Carlton… you are such an asshole. Hex me bitch.

 VANDERPUMP RULES

I won’t lie – when Stassi slapped Kristen last week I was pretty happy inside. Stassi is a total bitch but definitely the most articulate and entertaining. Her yellow hair in her interviews really distracts me from a lot of the things she says but the slap was hard to miss… especially since I have re-watched it 17 times.

I am going to only focus on the things that matter to me from last night’s episode. The photo shoot… what the fuck? Aren’t there some type of health regulations with nudity and restaurant servers (who def are harboring some STD’s )? I don’t get it… I love how they think their jobs are so glamorous… like you may get to do fancy photo shoot once a year but you are still polishing silverware and serving me mediocre tuna tartare the other 364. Then Scheana Marie has her engagement party/private performance of her new hit single “Good as Gold”  which I emotionally can’t even comment on. Then Kristen struts in, much to everyone’s surprise, dressed like a 56 year old woman. Nice try with the pearl earrings Krissy – you’re still a dirty whore. When she admitted to sleeping with Jax my jaw fell to the floor. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE? I had to restrain myself from jumping into my car driving to Sur and asking anyone there about 3,000,000 questions. Tom beats the shit out of Jax. Scheana plays the victim and cries in Lisa’s arms and Stassi looks fierce in her navy high slit gown as I cried with happiness at the reality television magic I was witnessing. That is how you do a Season Finale…. And I am spent.

MONDAY TV RECAP

Mondays for me are beyond stressful. I lose 3-5 pounds weekly on this special night because of my extreme anxiety from watching 5 hours of television and riding the emotional rollercoaster of the various plotlines. Last night was especially a doozy since the Grammy’s fucked with my Real Housewives of Atlanta viewing so I watched that clusterfuck last night and almost went into cardiac arrest… but actually.

REAL HOUSEWIVES OF BEVERLY HILLSI need these bitches to step their game up quick. Carlton literally scares the fuck out of me. Her pool party felt like a grand opening of an STD clinic. She just tries way too hard to be edgy and it’s all becoming a bit tired. Please don’t hex me… Also WTF WAS BRANDI WEARING? The hat was very Britney circa 1998, and thewhite vest jean short combo offended me. Bad combo . Then there is KIM AND HER INFAMOUS “FANS” – ugh I lovewhen she reminisces on her big acting career like she is Meryl fucking Streep.  I’ll be honest sometimes I miss Kim the alcoholic (is that so wrong?)… but then she publicly declares her love for turtles and I’m ready to be her sponsor again.  Kyle and her fucking maxi dresses, I generally think Kyle is the most “normal” and not malicious. Jacqueline needs a new stylist and a sandwich ay dios mio! Yo invites the girls over to make some paintings to send with Gigi to college – cause I am sure that is exactly what she wants. Amidst her lemon grove the women paint and batshit cray Carlton dreams that Kyle was talking shit about her and their fresh start is now over. Hey Carlton, I had a dream that Leo Dicaprio and I were married and had a pet whale in our pool – doesn’t mean I am changing my last name to Dicaprio and buying stock in Seaworld #blackfish. Get a repairative hair mask and stop being such a witch.

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THE BACHELORWell ladies, it’s time to pack your bags for the first (and ultimately last post-Bachelor) international trip. France? Nope. Italy? Neg. Greece? No. FUCKING KOREA. Not to sound like an asshole but I would be super pissed. They all start jumping on the sofa screaming like they all found out there is a 50% off sale at Bebe which is undoubtedly all their favorite store (yes, that is meant to be an insult).

For the first group date Juan Pabz and his gaggle head to a dance studio to prepare for their big performance with some Korean girl group. Nikki is butt hurt cause she hates to dance and I just want to punch her  in the face. Kat clearly stashed some of the molly she took on the Electric Run date and thinks she is a professional dancer… Kitty Kat- STOP. Who else wishes “free spirit” Lucy was still around to take her clothes off in front of that mall full of Asians?

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For the one on one date, JP picks Sharleen. Could she be less interested in him? I’m bored … moving on.

For the second group date JP takes the girls to some weird karaoke hostel and then some tea garden? I don’t know, every place they went looked like a fucking tea garden to me. Juan decides after he has already sucked face with 6 girls he wants to be a role model for Camilla (why would she be watching the show? She is 4) and not kiss any of the girls. Andi (with an I not a y – I’m a hypocrite) is my favorite and I was so pissed he didn’t kiss her and got wrapped up in Clare without an I and her stupid DVD.

Nikki and Clare – I hate them both for so many of the same reasons. A) They both intentionally spelled their names incorrectly in the desperate attempt to be unique. Nicky with two k’s and an I, Claire sans the i… how ADORABLE. B) They both suck. C) Nikki is a next level Debbie downer and Clare and her DVD are just too dramatic for me. Clare, your seduction styling’s truly are impressive. Who would’ve thought telling a guy that you puked and swallowed it back down would get JP to break his no kissing rule. RoMaNtiC!

VANDERPUMP RULES HOLY SHIT BALLS. Kristen is literally the poster woman for Lexapro. I mean that lovingly… but I would honestly rather be trapped in a Home Depot with Casey Anthony then at a mimosa brunch with Kristen. Not that Stassi is such a walk in the park but it felt kinda good when she slapped K. Jax is a fucktard but I think I might believe him. I just can’t take any of them seriously… they all have an ego like Madonna and pay their rent by serving mediocre tuna tartare and polishing silverware like the help. Next week is the finale and I have already looked into cautionary medical assistance in case I lose control of my adrenaline levels and pass out.

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Side note : If anyone else tweets / messages me that I look like Stassi I am going to shank myself. That is a threat.

Housewife Review: Lisa Vanderpump

People ask me all the time which Real Housewife cast I love most and I always say asking me that question is like Sophie’s Choice. How the hell am I to decide? I could never commit to a full cast but I definitely have my favorites from each franchise. I have been a Lisa fan to the core for the entirety of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. From wearing a tiara to her daughter’s wedding, getting shagged through a hedge backwards or labeling the DMV as “eclectic” and a “culture shock” – I live for underhanded racism– Lisa always had my heart. I have been through such an emotional roller coaster this past month re-establishing my (nonexistent) relationships with these women and assessing how I feel about them. I formulate most of my opinions and character evaluations based on the Reunion shows, where I feel they are being the most authentic. To keep you all in the loop here are my current character evaluations on each of these women (past and present).

  • Brandi Glanville –I think she says and does things for shock value and seems like a charade of what she thinks people will perceive as “sexy” or “wild”.
  • Kim Richards – Not going to lie… pretty obsessed with her. She is a total haute mess and I seriously want to go to a turtle farm with her. I don’t even mind her sobriety, it took a while for me to come to terms with but know I am on board. You go girl.
  • Kyle Richards – Again she does not offend me. I think her family is her priority and she is ultimately a girls girl. I don’t find her to be competitive, malicious or mean spirited. A tinge dramatic but hey, who isn’t?
  • Taylor Armstrong – Why did she have to go? I actually like Taylor. I think she is sincere and apologizes when she is wrong. She owns her shit and I respect that.
  • Camille Grammer – Again, why the hell did she leave the show? I loved her as a total bitch season 1 and as a excellently media trained peace maker season 2. Her dirty dancing was life changing. The only thing I don’t miss is her annoying screen grabbing companion DD who just made me want to punch my tv. Girl go home.
  • Adrienne Maloof – Although you introduced me to hair tinsel (something I was very passionate about circa 2010) your shenanigans last season really turned my opinion of you sour. I don’t miss you, your hair pieces or your fugly chef Bernie.
  • Carlton – Really with the bee murder? Not into it. You did realize you signed up to be on BRAVO right? Get of your high horse and chill boo.
  • Joyce – No problems.  I think she is pretty, bubbly and has great hair.
  • Yolanda- How baller was it when she told her hunger stricken daughter to have a couple almonds to ease hunger and “chew slowly”. That’s what we call good parenting. I generally don’t mind Yolanda and the times she has pissed me off I will just chalk up to “Lyme Brain”. Oy and her fucking lemons.

Lisa, I will continue to get my tuna tartar fix at Villa Blanca and discreetly stalk the staff of Vanderpump Rules at SUR. At least we have our memories together and this fan memorabilia aka my favorite article of clothing.lisa shirtIt really should be…