Wedding Details

As some of you might know… I got married. CALM DOWN. I have always said that getting married brings out the worst in people, you get a ring on your finger and all the sudden you think the world revolves around you. Brides are the biggest assholes ever.  Like, don’t even get me started. I wasn’t a bridezilla because I am a simply a lifezilla. Being so, I had a very clear vision for what I wanted our wedding to look like, feel like, sound like, taste like, you get the picture. I thrive in decision making, delegation and spending other peoples money so I really felt in my element during the planning process. In the most non-basic self indulgent bridezilla way, I wanted to share some elements of my wedding with my bitches.

Music | There is nothing worse than a wedding with shitty music. Being that my groom and many of our wedding guests are in the music industry, it was the most important element of our wedding. We curated playlists for pre-ceremony, cocktail hour, reception, after party. Sometimes providing track by track playlists aren’t enough – we also included a list of DO NOT PLAY THESE SONGS OR ELSE THE BRIDE WILL SHANK YOU IN THE THROAT ( anything Jason Mraz, Baby Got Back, YMCA, the fucking song from Twilight, shoot me). My husband produced the music for our processional and it was one of the most special aspects of the wedding.

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Personalization | I think a wedding should *feel* like the couple and not some sad replicas of your pinterest board. I love a personalization. Matches, napkins, place cards, specialty cocktails, anything and everything. It’s inexpensive, chic and unique. Just make sure everything is COHESIVE. Fonts are my life. I made sure the fonts and monogram used in my invitation were the same throughout (details bitch).

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Monofloral | This was something I felt extremely passionate about. I am 93% positive I have severe OCD (cute) but floral arrangements give me shpilkes (yiddish for nervous energy). I wanted all centerpieces/bouquets arranged by flower type. No mixing. I had a legally binding “use roses and hydrangea sparingly” rule and stuck with mostly modern structured flowers (calalilies, orchids, gladiolus) and it was fresh as fuck.

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Acrylic | I love anything non child friendly. It’s clear, it needs to be windexed constantly, its sharp and it’s perfection… it’s acrylic. My save the dates were acrylic with gold imprinting and totally set the tone for the wedding. For our escort board, we had a sexy plexiglass board with all of our guest names printed in a clean block letter (I hate a swirly font – again shpilkes), place cards were acrylic drink stirrers placed in champagne glasses and for reception chairs we used “ghost chairs” that gave our whole decor a super modern look.

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Mixed Metals | I love shiny shit. So I would never limit myself to one metallic accent color. I love mixing gold and silver, we had no other color in our wedding scheme. Silver mirrors, gold rimmed china, silver votives. You get the picture.

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FUR (because why the fuck not) | This was a controversial decision on my end. When you think a spring wedding in the middle of the piping hot desert, you don’t usually think of white fur… unless your a psycho like me. I ordered 20 white sheepskin throws from an illegal international import website to achieve my dream of casual white fur draped over the outdoor furniture, you know, for “texture”. I am a monster.

 

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Mirrored Err’thang| We used mirrored round table tops and mirrored runners for all the tables. Not only because its fucking pretty but it also reflected the chandeliers, candle light and center pieces to really pump everything up a couple notches.

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For more juicy details on the wedding check out my podcast episode “Blushing Bitch” with Lauryn Evarts from The Skinny Confidential here: CLICK ME FOR PODCAST!

Dear Leonardo DiCaprio

Dear Leo,

As I write this I am lying on the bathroom floor picking up the chunks of hair I ripped out of my own scalp upon hearing the news of your engagement. If this sounds like a suicide letter it’s because it is. For the past 24 hours I have been on a downward spiral that rivals Amanda Bynes’ 2013, Britney Spears’ 2007 and Joaquin Phoenix’s 2009.

My first emotion was anger. Angry at you, angry at her, angry at the cashier judging me for buying Nyquil, a magnum bottle of Ketel One, 4 loaves of French bread, 87 pounds of brie cheese and an assortment of razor blades aka my scorn lover suicide kit #HOWDOYOUMAKECHLOROFORM?

After the anger subsided and I did a ceremonial burning of all of my Leonardo DiCaprio VHS tapes, denial set in. How did this happen? Who is this woman? I’d like to tell you congratulations on your impending nuptials. I’d like to say I’m glad you’re settling down. I’d like to say I hope you name your yacht after her and live a long happy life together boating in Cannes. I never lied to you before and I surely am not going to start now after you have ripped my heart out and taken a huge metaphorical shit on my fucking dreams.

Honestly I hope you are miserable together and the whole marriage goes up in flames. No one has supported like me. I have loved you during your weight fluctuation, your pubis facial hair situation and even when you started driving a Prius. That’s loyalty Leonardo… something you clearly don’t value.

I named my fucking dog after you. And when people ask me why his name is “Leo” I always tell them he is named after his biological father. I assure my group of dog mothers that canine “Leo” he has my personality and your interest in humanitarian work. I am sure your fiancée owns a German Shepard named Axel and is a fucking vegetarian. OF COURSE SHE IS. Fuck her.

Sure she might be an ethereal supermodel who gives huge fucks about the environment and sunbathes topless and wears anklets and shit. Can she love you like I could? No. Does she own the Celine Dion “My Heart Will Go On” single remix cd? No. Did she see Critters 3 that you starred in around 1991? Definitely not. I FUCKING DID.

Worst of luck to both of you. My heart will not go on. You fucking let go Jack.

Sincerely,

Jackie

Bachelorette Recap

If you are emotionally invested in The Bachelorette you must listen to this weeks podcast. I must warn you this is NOT for the easily offended, listen and share with your bitches if you also think Nick’s sweatervest collection is super rapey and Shaun ONLY looks like Ryan Gosling if he had a touch of the downs and only shopped the clearance aisle at Urban Outfitters… Sorry!

Bitch on a Budget – TJ Maxx Excursion

This past weekend I was invited to a wedding for a family friend of my boyfriend’s aka a totally anonymous wedding aka THE BEST kind of wedding. I love the anonymity of a strangers special occasion. You can shove food down your throat, drink all the top shelf liquor, dance your ass off and not have to spend one minute small talking with one of your distant yet creepy uncles. The wedding was at a beautiful winery in Malibu which was perfect since I was house and dog sitting my parent’s house while they were away on vacation. As I went about my day on Saturday, I realized that the only 2 dresses I had packed were white and fucking ivory. That’s appropriate, showing up to a strangers wedding in a white dress. What the hell is wrong with me? Panic set in and I knew I needed to find a new ensemble in a jiffer. This social faux pas all unfolded around 2:00pm, conveniently an hour and a half before the shindig. I decided to go to the place that always lifts my spirits… TJ Maxx aka Disneyland. People always think I am joking when I say I love it there, shame on you.  I documented my desperate outfit hunt filled with all the highs and lows that come with bargain shopping.

I may or may not have gone back for the Pucci dress as my “thinspiration” investment piece – whatever, I #workbitch. Also, I have spent the past 3 hours trying to learn how to bleep out my rape line in this video. I meant to say ravage and oops. I apologize and am too technologically challenged to learn how to fix it since its already been posted. #sorrymomanddad