Jackie’s Easy Ramen Recipe

As far as I have been responsible for feeding myself, I have had a deep and steadfast affinity for all noodles. They are cheap, never go bad and versatile. I don’t give a fuck what Marie Osmond, Jillian Michaels or your gluten free roommate tells you… carbs are NOT the enemy. I get aroused by a good pasta and if you learn to make it at home for yourself, you can cut out a lot of the fatty, unhealthy bullshit ingredients restaurants add (same goes with salad dressing). Last night I experimented with an old friend of a noodle, Ramen, and was pleasantly tickled.

I haven’t cooked Ramen in years because it takes me back to a dark place… college. I know being that I am just 39% basic, one would assume I loved college and was in a sorority and like shared hotel rooms in Vegas to go to some day club cause I knew the promoter…but no. I fucking hated college. Hence while I only made it about a year and a half. I spent the better part of my collegiate days ditching class, doctoring fake report cards to send to my dad to see if fake straight A’s could wrangle me a few extra hundred a month, watching Barefoot Contessa, then going to Food for Less in pursuit of discount Branzino.

Unfortunately, once mid-month hit I usually had to resort to one fucking thing to sustain my beastly appetite, Ramen. So as you can imagine, we have a very sentimental and indifferent relationship, Ramen and I.

Last night, I went back in time along with a more highly developed culinary touch and gave my 5 year old emergency Ramen package a go and here is the easiest, most delicious, cheap, healthy asian noodle dinner you have ever tasted. Fuck you Ina.

What you need (for one serving #allbymyself #dontjump) 1 package of ramen noodles, 2 small heads of baby bok choy, handful of kale, 2 handfuls of shitake mushrooms (or whichever you like), 2 small thai peppers, ginger, 5 cloves of garlic, 1 shallot, ¼ lb of steak (I used stir fry style), one egg, teriyaki sauce, 1 ½ cups of veggie broth, fish sauce, low sodium soy sauce, lime, chives.

  1. Soft boil an egg in pot of boiling water, 6 minutes is perfection erection, remove shell and rinse under cool water to stop cooking, put aside.
  2. In same water (#resourceful) cook your ramen noodles about 3 minutes, throwout the flavoring packet – that shit will leave you bloated until 2018.
  3. Strain noodles and set aside.
  4. Over medium heat, add about 2 tablespoons of olive oil, 5 cloves of chopped garlic, half a thumb worth of peeled and chopped fresh ginger, 2 thai peppers (scrape out the insides these fuckers are HOTT) and half of a shallot chopped. Sautee until translucent.
  5. Peel leaves of the bok choy (throw out the tough inside part) and add to the ginger/garlic and toss until they soften about 2 minutes.
  6. Add mushrooms, sautee another 2 minutes.
  7. Add vegetable broth, few dashes of soy sauce, few dashes of fish sauce, juice and zest of half a lime and handful of kale, stire and let simmer on low heat until shit gets hott and all veggies are soft and wilted
  8. In separate pan heat up tablespoon of olive oil and add meat of your liking, sautee just lightly so meat does not get touch, add a dash of teriyaki to give some sweetness and throw in some sesame seeds if you got em.
  9. Add your ramen noodles and egg to the hot broth to reheat and then pour into a bowl. Slice the soft boiled egg in half and place on top.
  10. Add meat, handful of chopped chives, remaining raw shallot, lime wedge or zest on top of noodles and thank me later.



Woes of a College Dropout

I used to get a lot of shit for dropping out of college. My scholarly friends assumed I’d either find a sugar daddy or I would pursue my high school dream of being a “Deal or No Deal” briefcase girl and when that failed, work as an overly opinionated retail associate. My parents were not too thrilled either, my father is a by the book Jew and my mother only pretended to be upset for the sake of a united front, “I care more about you being a good person than getting good grades and going to college” Well, we’re 0 for 2 on that one Ma.

I would run into family friends and parents who guffawed when they asked how school was going and I told them I had decided to pursue other options for myself. I could see their pity and judgment raping me head to toe “Well my little Suzie is just having the best time at Michigan, you should go visit her sometime to get the experience!” Vodka from a plastic bottle and burritos at 3am? I’m chill. People always just assumed I was lazy, overindulged or unmotivated and they are totally right but that is NOT why I dropped out of college.

Last night someone messaged me on Twitter (sidenote: I kind of hate twitter – its is just not my best portal for funny… too restricting) anyways, the message said “you shouldn’t be bragging about not being smart enough to graduate” Valid point. Some let their education define them – some people find validation in attending a prestigious school and let it become an elite factor that distinguishes them. I let my designer shoe’s do that for me. I mean…if I went to Yale I would abuse the fuck out of it, I would probably walk around dressed up as the mascot just to spark questions. Go Bobcats! The truth is school doesn’t make you smart, a syllabus doesn’t give you discipline and due dates don’t show you importance of time management. Not everyone benefits from the same path, especially a bitch like me.

My stint was brief – I would show up for certain classes here and there if there was a hott guy in the class, paid a few asians to take notes for me and even found myself at the dining hall for the pasta buffet. I didn’t have the drive to attend a prestigious university and would rather shoot myself in the asshole then be someone who has been in community college for 7 years (after 4 please just give up and become a drug dealer). I have always said I will only listen to myself and people who really know what they are talking about. The first class I attended in college was an English Lit class – the teacher wore bright blue eye shadow, had a hair wrap and a sign on the door that read “I don’t give you grades you earn them.” Gag me. She also sent me an email when I stopped going to class and said I was a mediocre writer but needed to “apply myself more” well duh. I wanted to tell her she needed to stop applying blue eyeliner but I controlled myself.

After one year I decided this shit wasn’t going to work for me. If I had to hook up with one more guy who slept in a fucking bunk bed I was going to lose it. I think college is an amazing time of your life for those who embrace it, I just never could. I wanted to drink out of proper stemware, start my shoe collection and create my own post-adolescent chapter. I would like to say I am just a naturally ambitious bitch – so not true. I am 60% fueled by others doubt and 40% fueled by my shoe board on pinterest.

The following is my collection of truths… I did not go to college, I barely passed Senior year of high school and I still have absolutely no clue how to navigate the recycling system. I can’t do Algebra, am unclear whether Hawaii is part of the United States and have no idea what the Civil War was about although I am super glad to hear it was civil. I haven’t felt an ounce of regret, haven’t read an educational book in 6 years and have no problem with the stigma that accompanies being a college dropout. I worked my ass off and didn’t let anybody tell me what i “should” be doing or what “should” my career path look like or that i “should” pay my parking tickets on time… shoulda, woulda, coulda, fuck off. I am a college dropout and PROUD bitches (please stay in school kids). I won’t attribute luck to how things have worked out in my favor ever. So no, I don’t have a degree hanging on my wall but I DO have an email from Lisa Vanderpump framed and that bitches, will suffice.