Bachelor Recap: Hoe-metowns

Holy fuckballs, its already hometown dates. This both excites me and depresses me. What the hell am I supposed to do on Monday nights once this is over? How will I go on? Do I need a Lexapro prescription? It’s all too emotionally strenuous.

The first hometown is with Amanda in Laguna Beach. I kept fantasizing that Stephen Coletti is secretly her baby daddy and Hilary Duff was going to do an impromptu performance of “Come Clean”. If you don’t get that reference leave this site and never return. They start the date with a playdate on the beach so Ben can meet Ombre’s kids. Full disclosure; I cried like a newborn when she reunited with her spawn. Listen, Amanda’s kids are cute. I was impressed by their gladiator sandals but had to knock them down a few pegs for the pigtails… it’s a bit Sundays at Church basic for me. And when I say they are cute I mean that half-heartedly. Calm down. Not all kids are cute and it’s detrimental to society to imply differently. But despite all of that, I can’t imagine their connection is strong enough for Ben to be an Insta-dad. Finally, they slip the kids some Benadryll PM and Ben assures Manders that her family was “awesome” kk bye.

Next, Ben heads to Portland Oregon to see Lauren B. I like her and think she is an obvious frontrunner but I need her to chill with the flannel and invest in a professional blowdry. They food truck hop and then head to a whiskey museum. My kind of a date! Not having kids is so refreshing. Is Lauren B always cold or drinking too many sulfites? Her nose is always so red and it concerns me. Lauren’s hott sister is clearly skeptical about Ben and Lo’s relationship so in attempts to get more screen time (which I’m assuming gave her a gallery of triple digit like-worthy #TBT instaposts) pulls Ben aside to get the dirt. In the reality TV moment of my dreams, I was praying Lauren’s sister had one too many glasses of Sangria and tried to make a move on Ben. But instead I was jolted back to planet earth as Ben started fucking crying whilst explaining his feelings for Lauren. Just stab me in the ovary. Or give me Ben’s “hope” bracelet and let me hang myself from a Bachelor mansion balcony. Ugh.

Jojo. The bitch that seems too mentally stable to be on the Bachelor. UNTIL she approaches her Dallas condo and finds a dozen red roses (gag). She assumes they are from Ben but once she starts reading the accompanying 86-page letter attached realizes they are from her ex boyfriend. To be honest, I immediately assumed this was a Cher Horowitz moment from Clueless like when she would send herself flowers and chocolates to make gay-boy Christian jealous. Totally something I would bust out on a hometown. Fucking Chad. I could go into details about Jojo’s thirst trap brothers and shit like that but let me cut to the chase. The moment where Jo’s mother swigged that wine straight from the bottle was the realest moment in television history. Especially since at dinner they were sipping from Baccarat. Ben was like Vivian from Pretty Woman navigating their extensive silverware. Jojo’s family is single handedly keeping potpourri and faux floral enterprises afloat. The takeaway is that Jojo’s mom should be cast on Bachelor in Paradise.

Finally, Ben heads somewhere to meet Caila’s fambam. Guys… “My dad is the CEO of a toy company” was so Gretchen Weiners I can’t even. So they awkwardly build a playskool dream house and I’m bored as fuck. I really liked Caila’s family. I desperately wish her mother would’ve opted for effing Invisalign but I digress. Caila assures her family that Ben is the one and wants to tell him she is in love with him. Either the Filipino food that was served kick started some impulsive bowel movements so she needed to find a toilet ASAP OR she totally pussed out because bitch said nothing. Fuck she has great hair though…

Amanda gets sent home (saw that one coming) and I will miss her demure Cinderella nature and severely aggressive ombre hair. Fuck I miss Lace. Until next week bitches!

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Cocktail Analysis – Ladies Edition

As a social observer, I am always wondering what kind of women order what kind of drinks. I have never been extremely experimental with my beverage options but after some very extensive research, I have made some scientific conclusions about what your GO-TO drink says about your personality. I should be clear that this is based on your ultimate drink of choice at a bar or other drinking encouraged environment. We aren’t talking a hit it and quit it relationship, this cocktail is your main bitch. These observations are only geared towards LADIES, there will be a mens edition later. Clearly a woman who’s go-to  is champagne and a man who’s go-to is champagne are two entirely different situations. She is prissy and he probably is a huge mo… Duh.

Champagne – Oh my! (Heather Dubrow reference) Ordering champagne at a bar is like painting a big red x on your face for all potential suitors. I have a few guidelines when it comes to drinking champagne. Drink it at brunch, drink it with your girls, drink if you are celebrating, drink it if it’s expensive or drink if it’s free. The end. It aint fancy if it’s Andre girl.

Wine – Friendly, girly, nice – sometimes too nice. Loves The Bachelor and probably thinks Taylor Swift is really pretty. Loves an emoji. May or may not have serious love affair with frozen yogurt and could still own a pair of True Religion jeans.

Beer – Guys love a girl that drinks beer. Fun, go with the flow kind of girl. Not someone who gets super sloppy. Wears jean shorts a lot. That’s all I have. I personally don’t trust girls who can’t drink a beer. It’s a character flaw.

Tequila (on the rocks)  – I had to specify on the rocks because this person is very different than someone who drinks margaritas. Obvi. My kinda girl, I can’t roll with tequila but appreciate this type of liquid commitment. No mixer, no problem.

Whiskey Drinks – Wears crop tops. Has definitely vacationed at a Lake at one point in time (Havasu, Tahoe, Laughlin? Is that a a lake?) Thinks platform shoes (circa Spice Girls) are making a big comeback.  Definitely not a Jew. Jewish bitches don’t drink whiskey. ** I have many friends who busted my ass for this. I had one person in mind while writing this and I apologize #backpedaling.

Mojito/Margarita – I like a mojito/margarita kind of girl. Firstly, I live for a garnish and mint is very refreshing. Secondly, I find the mojito/margarita girl to not be super health conscience which I love because nothing is more of a buzzkill than a calorie counter (I’m talking to you Vodka Soda’s).

Vodka Soda (or any alcohol + soda water) – Buzzkill. That can’t taste good, your drinking carbonated alcohol. At least add some cranberry, or just go big with no frills and drink it straight. Can I get an amen?

Dirty Martini – HUGE pain in the ass, high maintenance yet delightfully witty and ballsy (this all applicable to me because this is my drink).

Long Island Iced Tea – Balls to the walls. Always has a karaoke song/choreography prepared given the opportunity presents it self. Love this kind of girl, from a distance at least. My ex boyfriend drank 2 Long Island’s one night out and puked all over my bed, floor and favorite jacket so I still have negative feelings about anyone with male genitalia who drinks them ( If you are reading this, I still pinpoint this as the ultimate demise of our relationship. That and and the fact that the only date we had in college –yes singular– was to CPK xo)

Anything Blue – Get your shit together.

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